The Fatties are scheduled to appear on two upcoming local news programs next week.
On Tuesday, July 29th, WZZM-13’s Take Five program with Stephanie Webb and Catherine Behrendt are planning on a Harvard Yard appearance, where Stephanie Webb promises to take a few hacks at the ol’ plastic sphere. Paws with a Cause will have a few of their dogs in attendance as well, thanks to their coordinator Deb Davis. The program is expected to air at 4:30 p.m. on that Tuesday afternoon on Grand Rapids area channel 13.
We are also scheduled to appear on WXMI-Fox 17’s Morning News with Tim Doty, appearing at both 6:40 a.m. and 7:20 a.m. A handful of participants will be up and at ‘em - bright eyed and bushy-tailed, to be sure - for the remote broadcast airing on Grand Rapids area channel 17. Who knows? Perhaps we can get sports reporter Doty out on the wiffle field as well for a few swings…
Both programs will help highlight our great causes for this year.
Tune into both and check it out!

If you care to donate to this year’s worthy causes, you may now do so online. Donations will go into the general split, or you may direct your donation to either Corp. Josh Hoffman or Paws with a Cause. See the new DONATE page.

Thank you for your consideration.

Care for a Zima?

HARVARD - Preparations are rapidly underway for the Fatty, coming up quickly to begin on August 1st. Field set up will take place on Wednesday - Friday of next week and clean up will take place on Sunday morning. All volunteers are appreciated, just hit CONTACT to help!

During the tournament, any and all spectators and friends over the age of 21 are welcome to attend! Feel free to bring a lawn chair and your beverage of choice (commercial brews, such as Bud, Miller or Coors products are discouraged).

This year’s events is our largest ever, with twenty-eight teams crammed onto the pitch of Harvard Yards in pursuit of plastic infamy. This year, we will support our donations to Paws with a Cause and U.S. Marine Corp. Josh Hoffman, who was injured in Iraq. Sponsorship opportunities are also available.

Tick, tick, tick…11 days until the world’s greatest wiffle ball tournament…

“Oh, Moop can read?”
- E. “Nesti” Navarro, with an international slam.

The following is a Shout Out from Steve “Cougar” Peavler, fresh off his expose on Area 51 and the Grassy Knoll:

So I just got the word about this Hall of Fame thing. Something about me being part of “the man” and “licking Ringler’s jackboots” and all that. Whatever. If Dave doesn’t let Matt speak his piece at the induction, we will all know the good and bad sides of having a “royal family”.

I’ll speak no more of the FBHOF. First things first. Let’s call a spade a spade. The rankings are bad enough. I mean, my team is ranked 20th and Dave and EZ are ranked 3??? And they have been avoiding us for, what, five years? Let’s look past that at some indisputable evidence of tampering, favoritism and general Fat Bastard fixes. The draw and bracket. What a plate of precooked jerky. Time to play food inspector.

To judge the draw, we must judge the entire bracket. It can be best looked at as an A, B, C and D group. The A and B groups, the top half, play more games in the winner’s bracket and are fully stocked with tough squads. The C and D groups, the bottom half, play less games than A and B since the FB has expanded to 28 teams. There are only a few real contenders in the C and D half (3 out of the 12 teams are ranked in the top 10). Anyone want to guess in which half we find Dave and EZ?

Even better, the only two true contenders in the Dave and EZ half of the bracket are ones that Ringler loses sleep over – the Galvin squad (even minus Galvin this is an Xman nightmare), and the Braats (who upstaged Rings in 2006 to the delight of many). One could infer that Ringler and EZ would love to topple either of these previously victorious rivals.

With all this in mind, and with a couple or three beers down my gullet, let’s look at this 28 team mosh pit in the bracket format that has been ever so strategically arranged and make some informed but completely impartial predictions…

GROUP 1A
6. Thank You Sir May I Have Another vs. 7. Butt Cracks & Plungers
AND
14. The Sneaky Beaners vs. 28. Buttermakers’ Beaver
Surprise, surprise. The square peg rookie team (the Beavers) gets the worst possible draw (co-ed? Don’t you know that Kelley’s team is the only one in the FB sporting cleavage?! EZ doesn’t count, of course). Facing the Byrnes, the Hillarys and the Garcia/Paralyzer squad, the Beavers should just get drunk on Friday and stay that way until the Baxter Bowl. Just don’t let Ringler put you to work toting foul poles or shucking corn or carting kegs or milking Baxter. You’ll be taking enough of a beating already.
WHAT RINGLER WANTS:
Dave would love to see the Byrnes lose to this amazing competition. He has some historical grudge here and always gives these childhood pals a rough challenge, but I must admit that the marquee match up of the Byrnes with the Hillarys will be the ultimate kick off to this year’s tourney. Dave expects Richards to provide high hilarity as the likely Baxter candidate from this group.
WHAT WILL HAPPEN?
The Hillary’s will not disappoint in game one, but the reunited Garcia/ Paralyzer team will shoot through this draw and face Licky Boom Boom Down in a big third round thriller. There might be a team from this bracket who makes it all the way through the second chance bracket to the play in game.

GROUP 2A
24. Sugar’s Coastie Pride Festival vs. 18. Pants for Peavler
AND
17. GonnaHerpaSyphilAids vs. 1. Licky Boom Boom Down
So another rookie team looks to get smoked in this bracket. Looking for Dave and EZ’s anointed newcomer this year? We haven’t gotten to it yet. I know one thing, Ringler loves this Breen team. They are everything the Braats could not be. They play hard, they keep quiet, they don’t use the house bathroom, and most importantly they don’t show up Ringler at his own tournament. As far as Pants for Peavler, I feel honored by this team name in the same way you would feel when a neighbor’s dog can’t stop sniffing your ass – you smile, you might even enjoy it, but you’ll never mention it to anyone.
WHAT RINGLER WANTS: Rings would love to see Licky Boom Ascend to the FB elite. The Braat Brothers disappointed after 2006 and Rings wants to set up LICKY for a nice shot at an exciting FB finish. Rings has also neatly arranged it so that Francis and Graves have an easy opening game – thus eliminating them from the Baxter Bowl contention, which they have apparently won too many times.
WHAT WILL HAPPEN?
Licky cannot hope to fail in this cream puss draw. Yep, I said it. Scott, Matt said Ron was a sandbagger. Whatever that means, it’s true. Anyway, once the Breens win their first two games, we will be treated to a real showdown between the survivors of the stacked deck in Group 1A.

GROUP 1B
21. Oh, Pickles! Vs 27. Donkey Punch
AND
8. We’re Not Gay; We Just Have a Wide Stance vs. 25. Ladies, We Have Pocket Rockets
So Mike Lurvey gets a promotion and decides he can finally step out from the shadow of the Philadelphia Rocket. Good for him. The Rocket has been blaming Lurvey for poor finishes for too many years and was just a plain crab-ass. Not that I minded the Yeunglings when offered. Lurvey’s Pickles squad might win the first two rounds, and group 1B looks to produce a Baxter Bowl favorite in the Pocket Rockets
WHAT RINGLER WANTS:
If the Donkey Punch squad lost two and went to the B Bowl that would fit the script. Rings also must owe Dr Branch a medical bill for sticking the “wide stance” into this nice draw. The Stance is poised to make it to the third round in the mind of the Ringler
WHAT WILL HAPPEN?
Pickles beat the Punch and the Doctors. The Rockets lose two but challenge for the Baxter Bowl (if you are in this leg of the draw, you are better off in the Baxter). Mike Lurvey finally gets the recognition he deserves.

GROUP 2B
23. Drunk Again & Lookin’ 2 Score vs. 4. You Took the Candy, Now Get in the Van
AND
12. Pinch the Hitter vs. 9. Sexy Keepers of the Keys & Grounds
Welcome Sexy Keepers. I expect to see Eric Albertson bringing you cold towels to comfort your supple necks in the brutal heat of summer and Ringler praising your plate discipline to all who will listen. 2007 brought this league no rookie phenom, and the draw for 2008 screams for one. The FB faithful will be touting you as so much hot chowder that Pat “Truck” Moriarty will look to Kmart for confirmation that he is still alive and kicking. Message to Truck: Kmart is MIA and almost out of business.
WHAT RINGLER WANTS:
NEW STARS. Keep trolling the Midwestern tournaments to bring in talent. This rookie team should mow through the first game and then, if all goes as planned, Trey and the Moop will be silenced early by Ringler’s new find.
WHAT WILL HAPPEN?
Trey appears to be on some sort of a mission. With eloquence the mighty army mite has called out most everyone in the tournament, and I think he is ready to back things up. When this team is communicating, they have a weird sort of cockiness and psychological connection. Think Clint and Clyde in “Every Which Way but Loose”. The ladies advance to the Baxter while Trey and the Moop will beat the Pickles in round three and face a formidable challenger from the A group in game four.
We now enter the bottom half of the bracket. Yes, to answer your question, Matt and I are indeed in the bottom half (group D). And although that is an injustice, along with our shockingly LOW ranking, we welcome the opportunity as always.

GROUP 1C
15. There are Plenty of Mohicans vs. 19. I Wonder if Eric is Brushing His Teeth
AND
11. The Bushwackers vs. 16. Pushing Our Luck
Sounds like Rings was pissed off at the late registration of the Pushing Luck team and ranked them accordingly. Still, he gave them an opening round against a team that has a undeservedly high ranking, so it kind of all balances out. You also have a marquee draw in the game between the Dustin Nichols team and the Big’Un and O’B team (on the Red field, of course).
WHAT RINGLER WANTS:
It would be great for the FB if the Pushing Luck team made a strong push this year, either for the title or the Baxter. It would make it look like Dave lit a fire under them after their registration gaffe, and the full respect of the fattest bastard would remained unchallenged.
WHAT WILL HAPPEN?
Dustin and Stecker move their way through this bracket and meet Hooray Beer for the 1pm game on the Red field. The Bushwackers lose two early heartbreakers but find their way to the Baxter championship.

GROUP 2C
13. Fingers Sexson Pujols vs. 3. Hooray Beer!
AND
10. Cup of Soup vs. 2. Baxter’s Rocket Has Landed on Uranus
The very high ranking for Cup of Soup indicates one of two things – either Ringler believes this team to be Baxter Bowl champion material or they were cupping more than just Dave’s soup.
WHAT RINGLER WANTS:
Take one from the Truck at 7am and then pull off a miraculous 1040am win over Lonnie’s squad. The best time to play Truck, who is somewhat gravitationally challenged, and Lonnie, who has been spotted asleep at many a tournament game, is early in the morning. This apparently challenging draw will be good for Dave and EZ – who are both early birds by nature.
WHAT WILL HAPPEN:
Hooray Beer could very well pull off this plan if the Rocket team does not show up. They look forward to their RED field match up at 1pm after pulling off these two amazing victories.

GROUP D
26. Dibs! vs. 5. Neverland Ranch
AND
22. Geriatric Crew: Depends & Brew vs. 20. Rusty’s Trombone
In 2006, the Braat brothers came out of the second chance bracket to win the entire tourney. This was such a monumental moment in their lives that they still display “Champion” tattoos, wear “FB Champs” t-shirts regularly, and use a poorly edited graphic of their FB photo with the word CHAMPION etched on the top for their Facebook icon.
As galling as their eternal celebration may be, the “one of the boys” routine in 2007 may have topped it for making the FB faithful taste their lunch. Trey put it best in his recent manifesto, and I guess I can just add that no matter how fun lovin’ they are, this is the kind of team you love to hate.
So why would Ringler and EZ set us up with Neverland vs. Dibs!? This looks to be the biggest mismatch in the first round! Look closely, grasshopper, and you will see….
WHAT RINGLER WANTS:
Rings and EZ would love to see the Braats win two easy games, sit around for five hours of glad handing, and then meet a team on a hot streak (maybe one named “Hooray Beer”) for a little unexpected comeuppance.
WHAT WILL HAPPEN:
The game between Rusty’s Trombone and the Geriatric crew will be a hotly contested rematch from last year. This is the sad truth for both teams involved. The winner will go on to face a cocky Braat squad, but if the loser is falls again to Dibs! (aka “Ten and the Lakers”), they may contest for the Baxter bowl. The Braats will need to pace themselves and understand this draw for what it is – a Ringler mind game.

“I know most of you guys find soccer about as interesting as flies fornicating.”
- Eric “EZ-E” Albertson, trying to explain the ‘beautiful game.’

“No. Its not that interesting.”
Jack “Judas” Russell, in his first words of the evening.

GRAND RAPIDS - The best looking team in wiffle ball has reportedly been out scouring the fashion world for their new uniforms. Our spies have been out as well. Click on the thumbnail for one of the latest proposals…they’re even on sale! And $6 for a three pack is a heckuva deal for the whole team!!

GRAND RAPIDS - Please join us in passing along birthday greetings to the world’s most famous Moop, Hall of Famer and U.S. Marine Sargeant T. Corbin Owens, who is celebrating another year today.

We’d like to buy you your favorite beverage to help celebrate, but we figured you’d enjoy another photo of yourself instead.

All the best, Moopsie!

Only three more weeks to go….

GREENWICH, CT - Thanks to Fatty Chris “Barrington Bomber” Kelsch, who pointed this one out LINK:

This is especially ironic, in that Greenwich is very near Shelton, CT, where wiffle ball was born and the family-own business still produces every wiffle ball product ever made.

The following is a Shout Out by Jeff “O.B.” O’Bryan:

 “…..I’m glad you won’t see or hear me, as I fiddle about…” - Roger Daltry

Oh, Eric!! Like a normal election year, when the big event draws near, the dirt and embarrassing photos come out. This little gem fell into my hands most innocently from a fellow Fatty.

Just look at this photo! That sneer, those glaring, scheming eyes and the double maraschino cherry speared with a little plastic sword place you directly in the Center Square. I’m pretty sure Paul Lynde is feeling nervous, even from the grave. In fact, I’ll bet this even made Rip Taylor blush!

This may explain a few things. EZ always seems to play the role of Fatty Ambassador and takes the newbies under his wing. We’ve seen him develop a special relationship over the years with Jimmy “Clay” Galvan. We’ve never questioned it, but upon reflection I’ve heard Eric marvel more than once at the power Chitwood’s arm generates despite his lithe, boyish frame. For shame Jimmy! We shouldn’t have believed your excuses for the “GAYLoVN’” license plate.

In fact, I’m convinced The Crabs didn’t quit last year because they couldn’t take the harassment. No! They fled because they finally remembered where they had seen EZ’s face: on all those warning posters in 10th grade Health class.

Watch out, Minnesota! He’s been trying to buddy up to you guys for two years now! In year three, he slips you some Pimms and makes his move. Sure, he’ll sweet talk you, compliment you on your game, boost your ego…and the next thing you know - you wake up naked in the neighboring field with a bad hangover and a guilty conscience and the above face as a greeting! Don’t let it happen to you too.

Just remember, before you let your teammate, friend or even a stranger walk away with EZ in the afterglow of The Fatty, ask yourself this one thing:

“Do you think it’s alright to leave the boy with Uncle Eric?
Do you think it’s alright; He’s had a few too many!”

Looking out for the innocent and naïve,
O’B