“Its cell phones & soccer…that’s why this whole country is ******!”

- The Big ‘Un

LUDINGTON – What a weekend!

A few Fatties took a run up the West Coast for their annual “Boys’ Weekend” at the actual setting for The Shining in the world’s oldest motel, where they were promptly checked in at the Stearns Motor Inn by Clint Howard, once everyone’s signature was properly verified.

This was only the beginning of the celebrity sightings, however, as Andy “The Big ‘Un” Albertson was pleased to run into Will Geer, of The Waltons fame during a pit stop at Ludington’s local and friendly Moose Lodge #508.

There was a few Schlitz, and much reminiscing…at least until we finally stopped into the Tiki Lounge. Ugh.

SPARTA – Congratulations to Andy “The Big ‘Un” Albertson and his fiance, Amy, on their holiday engagement!
We’ll look forward to the plans and wish them the very best as they settle in to their new home!

The NFL season is about to begin, as our local Lions’ fans prepare for their 52nd straight non-championship season. Hope abounds, however, that they might actually win a game this year (our best choices for the first win: Sept. 20 vs. Vikes or Nov. 1 vs. Rams).
While we tend to follow the Black ‘n Gold here at Harvard Yards – for those of you who are local, feel free to join a few of the Fatties on Sundays down at the Boat & Canoe Club to laugh at the Lions escapades and a few “Backus’ Trifectas” (committing a hold, false start & sack allowed in the same game) throughout the season.
And here’s to one day allowing The Big ‘Un and The Colonel to fill in “Super Bowl Champions” around those tats…

The Big ‘Un has gone “Hollywood,” according to his colleagues. The following is from the Grand Rapids Press:

Pared-down snow plowing gets first road test
by Ken Kolker | The Grand Rapids Press
Saturday December 20, 2008, 1:00 AM

GRAND RAPIDS — Three big green plows swept wide on a ramp leading to M-6, blowing away deep snow like lead blockers on a football field pushing through Detroit Lions defenders.

Go again: Kent County Road Commission's Andy Albertson climbs back into his rig Friday to make another pass on M-6. (Photo by Ken Kolker)

Well, it wasn’t that easy.

“We’re busting through this ramp,” said Kent County Road Commission plow driver Andy Albertson. “See that nice swath?”

Despite deep budget cuts and hiring freezes, road crews working on overtime tried to beat back the 10 inches of snow that fell across West Michigan on Friday.

The Kent County Road Commission alone expected to spend $250,000 to clean up from the storm, including the cost of equipment, salt and personnel.

But the real impact of budget cuts — due mostly to drops in gas tax revenue — likely won’t be noticed until this weekend. Plow crews are using less salt and more sand, leaving highways and other roads with more hard-packed snow.

Unlike previous years, they won’t work overtime to mop up some stretches of road, leaving more slush near center lines and deep snow on some shoulders. Much of that will have to wait until Monday.

Road officials said they’ve become more efficient and hope it won’t endanger the traveling public.

“It will be travelable, but it won’t be clear,” Albertson said as he and the convoy of two other plows pushed down M-6. “And people will have to take that into account.”

In Grand Rapids, plows were to start reaching some neighborhoods late Friday, with the goal of clearing the side streets by the end of today, said Assistant Public Works Director Darrell VanderKooi.

The city called in 40 drivers, including some trash truck operators. However, they won’t spread as much salt as in previous years, he said.

On Friday, as the snow fell at the rate of an inch or two per hour, it felt almost pointless.

During routine snowfalls, Kent County plow drivers are assigned a section of a highway, but this storm was not routine. The county called in 100 drivers, most working 12-hour shifts that included overtime. Some office workers and supervisors were called in to drive some trucks, maintenance supervisor Jerry Byrne said.

“On a storm like this, we pull out all the stops,” Byrne said. “It’s good for government to be efficient, but it would be nice not to be bare bones all the time.”

Albertson joined the road commission four years ago, just before a hiring freeze that has forced the agency to juggle schedules.

On M-6, one plow truck took the left lane, a second truck about 100 yards back took the middle lane, cleaning up the snow from the front truck, and Albertson swept through the right lane.

“For most (plow) drivers, this is what we’re here for,” Albertson said. “You get a little revved up for it.

“I’ve seen rollovers and accidents. As a driver, you feel badly about that, especially if it’s on your run. We want people on the road, not in a ditch.”

In the first four hours of his shift, Albertson went through a half tank of diesel fuel, about 30 gallons. Each trip down M-6 took about 40 minutes as they often traveled less than 25 mph.

Friday’s strategy was to keep lanes passable, then drop salt and sand after the snow let up. In the cab of his truck, Albertson set the knob on his auger to 2, which spreads about 350 pounds of salt and sand per mile. Four years ago, he said, he would have set the auger at 5 and spread about 600 pounds of salt only per mile.

With Friday’s snow, more than 30 inches has fallen in Grand Rapids this month. About a half-foot is expected late today and Sunday, said National Weather Service meteorologist Ernie Ostuno.

HARVARD – We know the Big ‘Un has been out there working hard on the roads this  winter season, but we’ve just about had enough of this white stuff. Yeah, it looks a lot like this here at Harvard Yards, where Baxter’s been forced to dip his business in snowbanks taller than he, just to do his business.

According to The Senator’s media arm, WZZM, we’ve had the most snow since 1951 this season and Opening Day can’t get here fast enough after another successful Winter Fiasco accounted for our Spring Training.

NEW YORK (AP) – Jeff “O.B.” O’Bryan, Kyle “Puff Daddy” Steele and Andy “The Big ‘Un” Albertson – who has recently been noted to have “lost a great deal of weight” – were all named in the long-awaited Mitchell Report on Thursday, an All-Star roster linked to steroids and other performance-enhancing drugs that put a question mark – if not an asterisk – next to some of wiffle ball’s biggest moments.

Dave “Rings” Ringler, already under indictment on charges of lying to a federal grand jury about a 2001 frog incident in Mexico, also showed up in wiffle ball’s most infamous lineup since “Chitwood Asterisk Scandal” of 2002.

The report culminated a 20-month investigation by former Senate Majority Leader George Mitchell, hired by the MWA to examine the Steroids Era.

It was uncertain whether the report would result in any penalties or suspensions.

Several stars named in the report could pay the price in history, much the way Jon “Sugar” Lewis was kept out of the Hall of Fame this year merely because of steroids suspicion.

“Michigan Wiffle Alliance Vice-President Alan “The Kid” Garcia told me that the problem of performance-enhancing substances may be the most serious challenge that wiffle ball has faced since the ‘Asterisk’ scandal,” Mitchell said in the 409-page report.

“The illegal use of anabolic steroids and similar substances, in Garcia’s view, is ‘cheating of the worst sort.’ He believes that it is imperative for Fat Bastard Wiffle Ball to ‘capture the moral high ground’ on the issue and, by words and deeds, make it clear that wiffle ball will not tolerate the use of steroids and other performance-enhancing drugs.”

Eric “EZ-E” Albertson and “Senator” Rob Byrne (I-Sparta) were among other current players named in the report, both linked to Human Growth Hormone, which has been seen mainly in their waist lines.

“We identify some of the players who were caught up in this drive to gain a competitive advantage,” the report said. “Other investigations will no doubt turn up more names and fill in more details, but that is unlikely to significantly alter the description of wiffle ball’s ‘steroids era’ as set forth in this report.”

GRAND RAPIDS – Hall of Famer and everyone’s Little Buddy, Jeff “O.B.” O’Bryan is reportedly headed to the injured reserve list and is unlikely to play in this year’s tournament. Even worse than the certainty that no one will see Little Buddy’s “worm” this year, is the reason for his injury: he reportedly has slipped a disc in his back while attempting to eat a sandwich.
“I was leaning over to pick it up,” explained O’Bryan, “and it totally went out. I haven’t been able to stand in days and I’ll probably have to go under the knife this time.”
O.B. has suffered from lingering back problems related to his high school and college tennis career for about 15 years – and an early discovery of the “seedy side” of the Internet.
Teammate, Andy “The Big ‘Un” Albertson was forlorn upon hearing the news Tuesday. “I’ve been telling him: no tennis, no nookie, no nothin’ until after the tournament…and then he injures himself eating a sandwich!”
At Least We Passed English 201 has picked up a third member in the form of Andy “Chromosomes Dangling” Mitchell of Cannonsburg in case Little Buddy is unable to play, as seems likely. It will be Mitchell’s first go-round with the Fatties.
“We’ll be adding him to our team, and in the event I’m unable to go, I’ll step aside to coach and let Mitchell take my place,” stated O.B.
There has been no confirmation as to whether O’Bryan was actually able to finish his sandwich.

GRAND RAPIDS – …and the Big ‘Un is hard at work! The following is an excerpt from the Grand Rapids Press on Saturday, March 3rd:

Cold work: Andy Albertson, with the Kent County Road Commission, fills a pothole with asphalt at 60th Street and South Division Avenue on Friday. (Grand Rapids Press photo / Dave Raczkowksi)

Grand Rapids Press Story by Jim Harger and Shandra Martinez:

Andy Albertson was making no guarantees Friday as he shoveled asphalt cold patch into a puddle at 60th Street and South Division Avenue.

“This is just temporary,” he said as cars and trucks splashed past his Kent County Road Commission truck and asphalt trailer.

“It may seal in until spring. It may get driven out,” Albertson said as snow fell on his handiwork. “We’ll have to keep an eye on it.”

Albertson’s boss was making no promises, either.

The pothole season hit West Michigan hard this week, said Jerry Byrne, maintenance director for the Kent County Road Commission.

“The last two days were the worst it’s been by far,” Byrne said. Snow, rain and freeze-and-thaw temperatures combined to create ideal pothole conditions, he said.

Water that seeps into pavement cracks to freeze and expand, then melt, can create potholes overnight. They grow quickly when cars and trucks rumble over them.

In one case, Byrne said, he sent a repair crew to fill a pothole three times in an 18-hour span.

“The worst is yet to come,” warned Byrne, who called out the plows again Friday as more snow fell. …”
…

(For the full article, click here.)

GRAND RAPIDS – Word has reached the front office that Hall of Fame teammates, O.B. and the Big ‘Un will not share the pitch this year as O.B. has been unavoidably detained due to a family matter, as he awaits his latest offspring.
The Big ‘Un, therefore, is (still) on the search for a new mate to join this year’s Date Night: Chappaquiddick.

POSTED: SWM seeks single teammate. Must drink beer, throw strikes, and find endless chatter regarding baseball, the Lions and movie quotes tolerable.

“I’ve been combing the high schools all day,” claimed Albertson. “But I’ve got about eight possibilities, so we’ll figure something out by game time.”
If all goes well, O.B. will be making an appearance at Harvard Yards sometime mid-day on Saturday, but was unable to participate all day.
“I feel terrible, as I’ve never missed a Fatty, but this was unavoidable,” lamented O’Bryan.
Wiffle fans far and wide can only hope he makes it to Harvard in time for his annual performance of “The Worm.”