While enjoying an evening at the pub, upon Trey’s long awaited return from Iraq…
“I don’t want to be tagged for being a wierdo…”
- Jen “Jansma” Sumner
“I think its too late for that, honey.”
- Trey Sumner

CUTLERVILLE – Jen “Jansma” Sumner has regrouped following the forced split with last year’s teammate, Red.
“We’ve got a whole new collection of wiffle ladies,” stated Jen, “who are tickled to be taking on the Fat Bastard Challenge”
According to their registration, Jansma will be accompanied by Stephanie “Mini” Cooper, Kari “Snake Eyes” Engen and Liz “Do Me a” Faber.
“Just wait ’til you see the new talent!”

Sgt. Sumner Organizes Fat Bastard South at Ft. Benning, Georgia
FT. BENNING, GA – 2003 Drunk Guy, Sgt. Trey Sumner, has taken it upon himself to organize Fat Bastard South as a spring training exercise in preparation for Fat Bastard Iraq, to be held this summer. The Commissioner’s office has shipped Sumner a supply of bats and balls via most-favoured-courier, Jansma, who made the run to Georgia this past weekend – bringing Sumner some much-needed lovin’ as well.
This week, Sumner has filed the following report with the Commissioners office:
“Well, we had the first wiffle ball game this evening. The teams were myself and PFC Jones vs. SGT Greiner and SPC Lacoste. Final score Sumner/Jones 36 – Greiner/Lacoste 22. I had to use a larger strike zone, a wider and shorter field and a closer pitcher’s mound as I haven’t made targets yet (so we used a large chair) and the area we played in was restricted by large trees and large holes. I’ll be setting up a proper field the next afternoon I get free. Game highlights: I hit 2 grand slams and, as the international commisioner, managed to adopt some commisioner-like qualities (I keep hearing “f*cking Sumner”). Jones threw away a 10 point lead and then managed to shut them down with a 3 up 3 down inning at the end. Greiner quickly learned to through the fast ball very accurately and Lacoste can talk more shit, longer, than EZ, you and me combined. It was beautiful.”
We’ll look forward to additional reports and some photo footage as The Peach League continues.

Fat Bastards Disappointed to Lose Another Fan Favorite; Proud of His Service
LOWELL, MI – Another beloved Fat Bastard has been called to duty as of January 2nd. “2003 Drunk Guy Award Winner,” Trey Sumner has shipped out to complete training in preparation for a 12-18 month tour of duty in Iraq with the U.S. Military.
His service comes as a disappointmen to the Fatties, who most recently welcomed back Corbin “The Moop” Owens from a tour with the Marines this past year in Djibouti, which caused him to miss the 2003 Extravaganza.
“We’re sad to lose Trey’s contributions to the Fat Bastard experience for the next two years, ” commented the Front Office, “but we’re proud of his service to our country. We wish to thank him for his service and hope for a safe return in 2006″
Trey leaves his wife, Moonlight Graham member Jansma, and two little ones behind as he leaves for his tour.
Sumner, as most Fat Bastards will recall, is a longtime wiffle ball veteran as well, beginning in 2001 with a surprising 3rd place finish as At Least We’re Not EZ. That same tournament saw Sumner toss the first ever shutout in Fat Bastard competition, blanking pre-tournament favorites, The Hampton Pirates by a 11-0 score.
2004 saw Sumner outdo himself after a one year absence by winning the unofficial “Drunk Guy” Award at this past year’s tournament, a title earned by passing out in his tent before 7 p.m. On an even happier note, he also crashed long before much-better looking spouse, Jansma, who carried on the family tradition long into the Fat Bastard evening.
Perhaps even more memorable, however, was Sumner’s “leaving the lights on in the Hummer,” which resulted in an extra road trip for the Big ‘Un, who assisted Trey in fetching a pair of jumper cables to get the big rig back on the road in service to the country.

GRAND RAPIDS – Word has reached the front office that 2003 rookie Scott “Swimmer” Lawrence is an Urologist…and actual doctor in the house!
Finding the humor, quoted fellow rookie, Jansma, “Yeah, he likes weiners.”

…to Have Been at the 2003 Fatty!
10. Kelley-Kelley, Houghton, Zanner, Red and Jansma
9. Sugar has won! Sugar has won! (Kind of like France, you don’t hear that every day)
8. Joe Prostate kept his pants on
7. Jimmy Chitwood enjoyed a cool and refreshing beverage.
6. Those nice boys from Calvin kicked ass
5. Because the Moop has secured the perimeter
4. If you were stranded on Pelee Island or Monkee Island, at least there’d be beer.
3. O.B, O.B, O.B.
2. To get a ride in a Hummer
1. FINAL SCORE: Pussy Galore 8 – Jesus Helps Me Trick People 7 (6 Innings)