The hottest thing in fashion? Of course, it’s a designer “What Would E.Z. Do?” bracelet!
Just in time to assist with all your moral and social dilemmas, comes a friendly and helpful reminder to think, “Mmm…what would EZ do?” Available in assorted colors, these handy and practical fashion accessories have been flying off the shelves at local retailers and proven to be an inspiration for all Fat Bastards.
“I know I was sitting around just the other day, trying to decide whether to get up and pee or have another beer,” related Bock recently, “and then I looked at my bracelet and thought, ‘What Would EZ Do?’ So I just pissed myself and ordered another beer.”
Another fan also related her story, “I was alone with my boyfriend and we were discussing his growing a moustache,” she explained, “and I thought of the Tom Skerritt Church of Latter Day Saints and said ‘Honey, think for a moment, What Would EZ Do?’ We decided to forgo Lutheranism and skip the moustache! Wow, what a turn on!”
Fat Bastard fans should consider rushing out to their favorite retailer immediately if they are also to own one of these popular items. If unsuccessful in finding their own bracelet, fans are simply reminded to consider its powerful message the next time they are confronted with a tough decision.
“It does beat the Magic 8 Ball…that thing is so gauch!” emphasized Terry “The Professor” VandenAkker. “I don’t leave the house without mine.”

CEDAR SPRINGS – The second annual Mad Scramble is now in the books – with a familiar team atop the leader board. 36 hackers invaded the grounds of Cedar Chase to beat the heck out of the course, look for lost balls, and avoid EZ’s shorts.
Despite the best efforts of the Albertson boys to distract them, the Byrne brothers, Col. Scott and Sen. Rob, defended their title as the best duffers out there, posting a two stroke under par tally. They also managed to accumulate the largest tab of the season at the Harvard Tavern.
High score of 102 (in scramble play?!?) went to Bock & Humvee, playing in the training wheels division. Scotty “Bubba” Leuchtman took home the honors for longest drive with a wiffle golf ball, while Bev “Eligible” Fisher and The Colonel were longest with a real one. Humvee made the longest putt and Jose was closest to the pin.
Congratulations and thanks to everyone who participated.

Fat Bastard newbie and Logan’s Alley proprietor “Crazy” Larry Zeiser showed off his inspiration with the rest of the kilted crew in celebration of St. Patrick’s Day.
“I swear, I never knew he was packing such heat,” exclaimed impressed bystander, Bock. “This will be great for his resume!”

GRAND RAPIDS – Loveable leprechaun Bock was recently forced to “master his domain” and remain “lord of his castle” following a recent illness.
As many Fat Bastard fans may know, Bockasaurus was recently stricken with appendicitis while flying thirty thousand feet over Houston on the way back from a week’s debauch in Puerto Vallerta with fellow Fatties EZ-E, Red, and Hans. Fortunately, Bock was able to receive medical attention in plenty of time to avoid any serious health consequences. However, as a result of his previous “lifestyle,” and his delay in receiving medical care, he was caused a much longer recovery time including a weeks’ stay in the hospital.
“The waiting was the hardest part,” recalls Bock.
Bock is referring to his forced self-celibacy. As a result of his illness, and under a doctor’s order, he had to keep his hands tied up in a pair of idiot mittens (the kind with a string between them) as a sort of self-control straight jacket, for well over two weeks.
“I understand how tough that must have been,” lemented partner-in-crime EZ-E, “that stuff gets like poison, sometimes you gotta get it out of ya.”
Bock is happy to report that since this time, things are back to normal and he has been able to reassume his daily routines, “That was the worst 17 days since being locked in my gym locker in junior high.”

LAS VEGAS – “This could be the worst idea we have ever had,” stated EZ-E after learning that his favorite bar in Las Vegas, The Coyote Cafe’, is closing its doors on February 17. The Coyote, as many veteran followers may recall was the original site of “Tequilla Breakfast.”
It’s legend was born on an earlier Vegas visit: After Hans, Bock, Red, and EZ’s first sojourn there in 2000, one bartender had passed out in the beer cooler at 11 AM, and the bar manager fell off the wagon, disappeared for 5 hours before coming back – danced on the bar completely inebriated – and was summilarily fired!
Subsequent visits have introduced other Fatties to the Coyote and only increased it’s legend.
In order to celebrate the end of an era, Red, Joe Humvee, Bock, EZ, Hans, K-K, Rings, and perhaps Sir Ernest Shackleton himself will be making a 24 hour raid at the Coyote on its closing day.
“We got a call from Matt, the bartender (who charged us $22.50 for what should have been a $400 “breakfast” tab). He asked us to come out as thier guests.” said Red, who was bidding on airline tickets.
“Apparently the idea is 24 hours in Vegas, without a room, and then jet back. Although, I intend to get a room in case I need executive relief, if ya know what I mean” said EZ. While attire has not been discussed, it is assumed there will be a theme, but probably not a repeat of the “Priest and Parochial Schoolgirls” ensemble worn on the group’s second trip to Vegas, during Easter of 2001.

Several friendly neighborhood Fat Bastards were asked to comment on their Fat Bastard experience…some of their responses:
How the hell did you discover the Fat Bastards?
“The Moop” - Zanner
“As a lifetime porn aficionado, I spend countless hours plugging obscene phrases into search engines and charging the results on stolen credit cards. Imagine my surprise when one comes back with a wiffle ball site! After spend some time drooling over the photos of a luscious EZ-E, I call my friend Steve “Cougar” Peavler, and his wife drags him out of the bathroom where he was engaged with a copy of Redbook and a tube sock filled with raw liver. He admits that it sounds like “a lark” – because he uses gay ass phrases like this -and off we go.” – Matt “Rusty” Hilgers
“EZ-E” – Bock
“Searching the Internet for wiffle ball tournaments.” – Brian Toth
“My pastor encouraged me to get some exercise once a year while enjoying some good clean wholesome fun…I told him to eat sh*t, and I played in the Fat Bastard instead.” – Sen R. Byrne
“I woke up from a near-fatal corn nuts binge in a Grand Rapids bus station and there they were.” – Steve “Cougar” Peavler

What has been your most memorable moment at Harvard Yards?
“Passing out in the garage…Wait… I don’t remember that, but I’m told it is memorable.” – Bock
“OB doing the worm has been a recurring dream of mine.” - Steve “Cougar” Peavler
“Combining on a no-hitter…despite giving up 14 runs.” - Kevin Hillary
“Sugar admitting he wanted to ‘tea bag’ me.” – O.B.
“Tossing off in the port-a-jon…?” – Sen. R. Byrne
“Selfishly, I would have to say beating Bock is my most memorable, although my first taste of Pimms is also very memorable, yummmm ” - Zanner

Who was your sports hero growing up and why?
“Ted Simmons, Milwaukee Brewers 1980 – 1983. Still the only professional athlete I have no doubt I am faster than.” – Matt “Rusty” Hilgers
“Champ Summers. He had a cool name and a sweet moustache.” – Kevin Hillary
“Bob Probert, I like hockey fights” - Bock
“Pele. Soccer rules.” – Trey

What is the biggest “geek” item that you still have from childhood that you’re embarrassed to tell anyone about?
“I’m not sure….I have a “Grumpy” Care Bear still….” – Zanner
“A Sentry Foods special edition baseball card commemorating Dale Sveum’s “Easter Sunday Miracle” for the Milwaukee Brewers in 1987.” – Steve “Cougar” Peavler
“I still have all my Star Wars toys: the figures, the Millenium Falcon, the Death Star, you name it.” – O.B.
“I have, framed in my home, a copy of Marvel Comics Son of Satan #1 – still the only comic book to feature the Antichrist as a superhero.” – Matt “Rusty” Hilgers
“Hmm…probably my Dukes of Hazard matchbox cars.” - Jimmy “Chitwood” Galvan
“My brother still has a Barbie Doll.” – Kevin “Bacon” Stackpoole

What would be your Fat Bastard beverage of choice?
“Can of Black Label with O.B.” – Bock
“Can of Black Label with Bock.” – O.B.
“Champagne in celebration of the 2004 Fat Bastard Championship!” - Sen. R. Byrne
“What was that concoction that EZ made? Pibshnizzle? Pizzle? Pim’s? A rusty nail? Whatever that was – that was it.” – Steve “Cougar” Peavler
“None of that Pimm’s business, I assure you. Cucumbers? What?!?” – Matt “Rusty” Hilgers

…Firsts at this Year’s Fatty.

10. Moonlight Graham looks much better in person than their pre-tournament photos
9. Pussy Galore wins consecutive games
8. Pelee Islanders mascot is their best dressed teammate
7. Sugar finally wins a game
6. Trey kills the battery in the Hummer and misses entire following day at work
5. Ringler makes it through entire tournament without feeding EZ
4. Bock remained sober…oh, waitaminute! That did NOT happen!
3. Fummundercheese wins the Baxter Bowl becoming the first team to claim it along with the Championship
2. A Galvan loses a game.
1. Kelley-Kelley is the first inductee to the Hall of Fame