And now, a word from our sponsor and Hansel:

“It’s an acquired taste, that has to be practiced…like Scotch…or monogamy.”

- Hans “The Queen” Heikkinen

GRAND RAPIDS – Rapid-fire preparations for the Fatty continue today as news has reached the front offices of a happy addition to our collection of “bad athletes,” as Hans “The Queen” Heikkinen has teamed up with the Zeiser Brothers, Patrick and Larry, to complete their threesome as T. Wille was called away on family duties.
“He will be playing the role of Wille, except that Hans holds his liquor a little bit better,” stated Larry Legend upon informing the front office of the change. Negotiations were concluded quickly as Larry asked him to join their squad, to be answered with a quick, “Hell, yes!”
This will mark Hansel’s first actual tournament, as he has previously graced Harvard Yards for some “open” wiffle days only.
Speculation now centers on whether Hansel spends more time on the field, in the kitchen, or just chatting up the ladies.
“I can’t wait to see what he wears,” said EZ-E.

SOOTHSAYER
Beware the ides of March.

CAESAR
What man is that?

BRUTUS
A soothsayer bids you beware the ides of March.

CAESAR
Set him before me; let me see his face.

CASSIUS
Fellow, come from the throng; look upon Caesar.

CAESAR
What say’st thou to me now? speak once again.

Soothsayer
Beware the ides of March.

CAESAR
He is a dreamer; let us leave him: pass.

Holiday Tradition Continues
GRAND RAPIDS – In a Logan’s Alley tradition, EZ-E will once again lead this year’s viewing of that childhood holiday classic, Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer…Fatty-style.
For years now, locals have been witness to “special” version of this holiday fare as several Fat Bastards and their fans gather to the annual network showing and celebrate each special moment of the broadcast by imbibing in celebration of each of their adopted character’s appearance. An “all skate” is declared for each time Rudolph’s nose glows.
“We did it the first year with shots,” lamented EZ, “but we’re getting older now, so we stick to our pitchers of suds.”
EZ, of course, will reprise his role as the Abomidable Snowman, but the evening’s highlight is normally Hans‘ stirring portrayal of “The Gay Dentist”.
Once again, this is sure to be a holiday treat not to be missed.
Check local listings for show times in your area.

“I got kicked out of Victoria’s Secret.”
-Hansel, recalling a recent “shopping” experience

GRAND RAPIDS – EZ-E may have forced another cultural icon into hiding after photos of he and former companion, Hans, have surfaced, reportedly taken at a local “theater” club.
The Dynamic Duo were reportedly introducing themselves as the “holiday spirit” and offering to show off their “party favors” for a sawbuck.
A spokesman for Baby New Year, speaking on condition of anonymity, stated that Baby is extremely upset over possible confusion that the public may suffer. “Think of the children!” he complained. “How might they be traumatized around the holidays if they were to think that was the real Baby New Year?”
Reached for comment, Hans had little to say, “I have no recollection of that, Senator. Would you like some rum?”

GRAND RAPIDS – Loveable leprechaun Bock was recently forced to “master his domain” and remain “lord of his castle” following a recent illness.
As many Fat Bastard fans may know, Bockasaurus was recently stricken with appendicitis while flying thirty thousand feet over Houston on the way back from a week’s debauch in Puerto Vallerta with fellow Fatties EZ-E, Red, and Hans. Fortunately, Bock was able to receive medical attention in plenty of time to avoid any serious health consequences. However, as a result of his previous “lifestyle,” and his delay in receiving medical care, he was caused a much longer recovery time including a weeks’ stay in the hospital.
“The waiting was the hardest part,” recalls Bock.
Bock is referring to his forced self-celibacy. As a result of his illness, and under a doctor’s order, he had to keep his hands tied up in a pair of idiot mittens (the kind with a string between them) as a sort of self-control straight jacket, for well over two weeks.
“I understand how tough that must have been,” lemented partner-in-crime EZ-E, “that stuff gets like poison, sometimes you gotta get it out of ya.”
Bock is happy to report that since this time, things are back to normal and he has been able to reassume his daily routines, “That was the worst 17 days since being locked in my gym locker in junior high.”

Speculation Abounds after Infamous “Black Turtleneck” Hears Taps
GRAND RAPIDS – In a statement by his publicist, Wiffle Legend Eric “EZ-E” Albertson has retired his Black Turtleneck, standard discount store issue circa 1989. In a public statement, EZ-E Albertson stated:
“Friends and Followers of Eric’s Black Turtleneck: I have rather sad news to report…Eric’s famous Black Turtleneck shirt is no more. This tried and true garment has seen the Old Boys’ campaigns for many a year.
Originally stolen from Andy‘s closet while we were still living with (family patriarch) Danny at the famous Normandy Street location…The turtleneck served at the following Ports of Call: CMU (5 years), Mackinac Island (3 summers), Caledonia, The White Ghetto, Shit-tau Lafayette, Wellington (with Mitchell and Falicki), The Cottage, Cannonsburg, Plainfield (with Ringler and assorted guests -and no, that chick wasn’t THAT bad after Alice Cooper…she was WORSE), Sherman Ave (with Hans – and what a strange trip that was), Fleet Street (with Red), and finally for a brief stint at my current address (whereabouts unknown).
As the years went by, I noticed a larger and larger following of The Black Turtleneck.
I am sad to report its demise finally happened this last week in Vegas. The Turtleneck, relegated in recent years to Thanksgiving, Christmas, and emergency turban uses, finally “went all in” in that great Hold ‘Em tournament in the sky. It was “buried at sea” and left with a full tequila shot salute on the Vegas Strip.
Other stalwart work done by this remarkable, and stolen shirt included:
> Seeing me strike out with the Ice Queen in Toronto – after paying for her entire trip to see Phantom of the Opera
> Over 500 hours of Civic Theatre backstage work (not to mention rehearsal time with Michael Page and Russ Pitts)
> A Jethro Tull concert the night before Thanksgiving
> Andy’s bachelor party.
> A Very Vegas Easter, Volumes I, II & III
> The first Lions vs. Browns Thanksgiving Day game. Can you still smell Scott’s fart? I can.
> A Punta Cana Wedding, standing up as a bridesmaid, with Hans as my “date.”
> That one time I went to visit mother.
> Arie’s in Plainwell
> The Stupid Bowl (before Scott Mitchell, who by the way, is not doing very well either)
> More than one Beer-Drinking-Relay Contest (undefeated) at CMU.
> Seeing Pete Kehoe all over this state.”
It is this latter statement that has had wiffle ball officials concerned, as the trademark Scott Mitchell jersey has escorted Albertson from Missouri to Florida on official Fat Bastard missionary work. The MLY’s own Phil Bradley said it best, “My god, that guy in the #19 jersey gets bigger every year!”
“My Bob Probert jersey and Meijer shorts (used to be sweatpants) will be flown at half mast in memorium,” stated Sen. Rob Byrne (I-Sparta). “My condolences as well to whoever found the Turtleneck.”
“On the bright side, the Black Turtleneck never really fit, anyway,” offered brother, the Big ‘Un. “In fact the last six or seven hundred times you packed yourself into it I could’nt help but think that it was like someone trying to cover a pontoon boat with a trash bag.”
The Black Turtleneck retired, speculation has centered squarely on the Mitchell jersey. “Please GOD tell me this DOES NOT mean you’ll be wearing the Mitchell jersey more often!” worried Red.

He’s Cookin’!
GRAND RAPIDS – Boyfriend has been retained as the official Fat Bastard Chef for this year’s Tournament.
“I have a wonderful menu planned including fresh crab cakes with an orange marmelade sauce and garnished with a sprig of rosemary as a highlight of the hor d’vores platter. I’m really just tickled to ahve the wonderful creative opportunity with you boys,” stated Hans at the announcement.
His creativity will be needed to maximize a budget primarily supported by the returnables in Ringler’s garage.
Previous Fat Bastard menus have included fermentable beverages, some potato chips and a few hot dogs.
Say the Hansel, “I really don’t mind working with sausages, but I will look forward to injecting a bit of diversity into this year’s features.”
The menu is expected to be available throughout this year’s tournament for both players and spectators.