Ebony and Ivory Claims Championship; Discharge Repeats to Win Baxter Bowl
HARVARD YARDS – the 2004 Fat Bastard Wiffle Ball Extravaganza, the fifth annual display of athletic ineptitude, is in the books, presented before 200 wiffle fans at Harvard Yards, near Grand Rapids, Michigan on August 14th.
We’ve seen the Good, the Fat and the Ugly…and a finals game without a Galvan. Chicago’s Ebony and Ivory, consisting of 2004 MVP Lonnie “The Professor” Rucker and Dave “Psycho” Kale, power-pitched and power-hit their way to the title, finishing under the lights and besting Michigan’s The Motherload brother team of Patrick and Kevin Hillary by a score of 3-0 on the strength of a fourth inning tater by the Professor.
Full details of the 2004 Fatty will soon be posted as the Committee sorts through the result to compile our final rankings.
Special thanks goes out to our sponsors: Logan’s Alley and the Cambridge House in Grand Rapids, Captian Jack’s in Muskegon on the Pere Marquette Beach, Zain’s Party Store on M-57 in Harvard, The Winter Inn in Greenville.
Also a huge thank you to our volunteers: Karen “Kiss the Cook” Ringler, Beverly “First Class” Fisher, Hal “Pops” Ringler, Corbin “The Moop” Owens, Ron “Don’t Call Me” Francis, Tonia Miller “Time”, Marci “Three” Dickensheets “in the Wind”, Amy “Chris” Shelton, Jason “The Barrister” Schnelker, Scott “Bubba” Leuchtman, and Christina “Winky” Binkley.

The Fatty has been voted “best tournament” by many other wiffle organizations and is unlike any other. Since the 2003 event, the Fat Bastard has been featured in the Chicago Tribune, The Times Northeast (IN), The Grand Rapids Press, Fast Plastic Magazine (online) and ESPN The Magazine. On the air, we’ve been on The Score (670 AM Chicago), The Locker Room Show (640 AM Grand Rapids) and the nationally sindicated Bob & Tom.
In the past, Harvard Yards has welcomed competitors from seven states and two countries to the friendly grounds.
This year’s activities will benefit the Family Readiness Group, out of Grand Ledge, which supports 90 of our U.S. Troops currently stationed in Iraq, and their families, including our own SGT. Trey Sumner.

LANSING – Jimmy “Chitwood” Galvan finally lost! Although not on the field, Chit failed to submit the first registration to this year’s Fat Bastard Tournament, as he has in the past. The Hillary Brothers, Pat and Kevin, were the first entry to make its way to the Committee Offices. As The Motherload, they will surely find their way near the top of the first set of rankings, the Hillary’s are intent on the hardware this year after a stellar showing in 2003.
“We ain’t here for fun,” warned Pat. “Oh, waitaminute, it was fun beating EZ, Ringler and the Byrne Brothers last year…so, yes, we are here for fun!”

Several friendly neighborhood Fat Bastards were asked to comment on their Fat Bastard experience…some of their responses:
How the hell did you discover the Fat Bastards?
“The Moop” - Zanner
“As a lifetime porn aficionado, I spend countless hours plugging obscene phrases into search engines and charging the results on stolen credit cards. Imagine my surprise when one comes back with a wiffle ball site! After spend some time drooling over the photos of a luscious EZ-E, I call my friend Steve “Cougar” Peavler, and his wife drags him out of the bathroom where he was engaged with a copy of Redbook and a tube sock filled with raw liver. He admits that it sounds like “a lark” – because he uses gay ass phrases like this -and off we go.” – Matt “Rusty” Hilgers
“EZ-E” – Bock
“Searching the Internet for wiffle ball tournaments.” – Brian Toth
“My pastor encouraged me to get some exercise once a year while enjoying some good clean wholesome fun…I told him to eat sh*t, and I played in the Fat Bastard instead.” – Sen R. Byrne
“I woke up from a near-fatal corn nuts binge in a Grand Rapids bus station and there they were.” – Steve “Cougar” Peavler

What has been your most memorable moment at Harvard Yards?
“Passing out in the garage…Wait… I don’t remember that, but I’m told it is memorable.” – Bock
“OB doing the worm has been a recurring dream of mine.” - Steve “Cougar” Peavler
“Combining on a no-hitter…despite giving up 14 runs.” - Kevin Hillary
“Sugar admitting he wanted to ‘tea bag’ me.” – O.B.
“Tossing off in the port-a-jon…?” – Sen. R. Byrne
“Selfishly, I would have to say beating Bock is my most memorable, although my first taste of Pimms is also very memorable, yummmm ” - Zanner

Who was your sports hero growing up and why?
“Ted Simmons, Milwaukee Brewers 1980 – 1983. Still the only professional athlete I have no doubt I am faster than.” – Matt “Rusty” Hilgers
“Champ Summers. He had a cool name and a sweet moustache.” – Kevin Hillary
“Bob Probert, I like hockey fights” - Bock
“Pele. Soccer rules.” – Trey

What is the biggest “geek” item that you still have from childhood that you’re embarrassed to tell anyone about?
“I’m not sure….I have a “Grumpy” Care Bear still….” – Zanner
“A Sentry Foods special edition baseball card commemorating Dale Sveum’s “Easter Sunday Miracle” for the Milwaukee Brewers in 1987.” – Steve “Cougar” Peavler
“I still have all my Star Wars toys: the figures, the Millenium Falcon, the Death Star, you name it.” – O.B.
“I have, framed in my home, a copy of Marvel Comics Son of Satan #1 – still the only comic book to feature the Antichrist as a superhero.” – Matt “Rusty” Hilgers
“Hmm…probably my Dukes of Hazard matchbox cars.” - Jimmy “Chitwood” Galvan
“My brother still has a Barbie Doll.” – Kevin “Bacon” Stackpoole

What would be your Fat Bastard beverage of choice?
“Can of Black Label with O.B.” – Bock
“Can of Black Label with Bock.” – O.B.
“Champagne in celebration of the 2004 Fat Bastard Championship!” - Sen. R. Byrne
“What was that concoction that EZ made? Pibshnizzle? Pizzle? Pim’s? A rusty nail? Whatever that was – that was it.” – Steve “Cougar” Peavler
“None of that Pimm’s business, I assure you. Cucumbers? What?!?” – Matt “Rusty” Hilgers