PHOENIX – Word has reached the Fat Bastard front offices that WiffleHouse legend and friend of the Fatties, Lloyd “The Paralyzer” Fuller will be making a return to Harvard Yards this August, just in time for the IXth edition of the Fat Bastard Wiffle Ball Tournament.

Long time fans will recall Lloyd‘s travels, as he departed to Tennessee back in 2002, only to return shortly thereafter. He then followed up his sojurn with a permanent move to Arizona in 2006, where he was recently married. This year will mark his first Fatty since 2005. He’ll be no stranger at Harvard Yards, however, as tales of The Paralyzer reach back to 2003 as both a Fatty participant and a Chow Down Challenger.

There is no confirmation (as of yet) to his teammate, but rest assured, he’ll be stocked up on Schneiderweisse and full of piss and vinegar. Can a Kid Garcia siting be far behind?

PHOENIX, AZ – Lloyd “The Paralyzer” Fuller is married! The long rumoured and blessed event took place last weekend, January 27th, in Arizona.
Long-time Fat Bastard fans, who’ve followed his story, were aware of his impending nuptials, can now rest assured that the rumours are true: he’s still religiously handsome, now hitched and heading back north for The Fat Bastard VIII in August. Indeed, following a brief congratulatory call from the Fat Bastard Offices, Fuller confirmed his intent to return for this year’s wiffle-tacular, after a one year haitus.
Hall of Famer Alan “Kid” Garcia and Arizona Fatty Bob “Martial Arts Phenomenon” Gillard, both of whom have served as past Paralyzer teammates in the Fatty, were in attendance and attempted to consume their body weights in bubbly. Click on any of these photos for a better view, or better yet, The Kid has been kind enough to share a slideshow from the entire event here.
Now that the dust has settled, the “Future Mrs. Fuller” can now remove the “Future” from her title in favor of the more traditional moniker.
Our congratulations to the Fullers!

PHOENIX, AZ – As we now know, The Paralyzer currently resides in Arizona and is apparently in love. Speculation has recently arisen however as to the nature of that love as one of his new “friends,” Luke Dizzle, maintains a MySpace page shrine to Lloyd “The Paralyzer” Fuller that has to be seen to be believed.
Our legal department is still checking into the validity of any potential union between Fuller and Dizzle, but in the meantime, check out Dizzle’s “Lloyd Rules”:

NEW LLOYD FULLER FACTS!!!!
(1) The Theory of The Survival of the Fittest was right until Lloyd Fuller was born. Now everyone is fit to die because Lloyd Fuller is Puerto Rican. So The Theory of Lloyd reads that if your looking at this you’re already dead.
(2) Lloyd Fuller clogs the toilets even when he pisses.
(3) Lloyd Fuller can divide by zero (Thanks Court).

ORIGINAL LLOYD FULLER FACTS:
10) Lloyd doesn’t tea bag girls, he potato sacks them.
(9) The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Lloyd has been there then its covered with blood and body parts
(8) Lloyd can win a game of Connect Four in three turns.
(7) Police label anyone attacking Lloyd as a code 45-11… a suicide.
(6) The quickest way to a mans heart is with Lloyd’s fist.
(5) Lloyd once ate three 72 oz. steaks in an hour. He spent the first 45 mins having sex with the waitress.
(4) If you spell Lloyd in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
(3) The opening scene of the movie Saving Private Ryan is loosely based on dodgeball games played by Lloyd in the second grade.
(2) If time is moving too fast for Lloyd, then time better slow the f*ck down!
(1) Lloyd is Puerto Rican, so you might already be dead!

PHOENIX, AZ – As reported earlier, Wifflehouse and Fatty legend, Lloyd “The Paralyzer” Fuller has off and moved to Arizona this past off-season.
So what has the Paralyzer been up to?
Well, he had intended on going to school, but according to 2005 teammate, “Big” Bob Gillard, he’s now working at the local Chick-Fil-A…as the cow.
“He was pretty excited when I talked to him,” said Gillard. “He says, ‘Hey, you know the cow? Well that’s gonna be me!’”
Even more shocking, considering the long trail of broken-hearts who’ve been “paralyzed” in Michigan, is that Fuller is planning on being married! He’s got plenty of photos of him smooching his 20-year old girlfriend all over his MySpace page, and his girlfriend’s page is entitled “The Future Mrs. Fuller“…(well, a girl can dream, can’t she?). According to sources, Fuller is looking at tying the knot within the “next four months.”
This year will mark the first Fatty without the Paralyzer since 2001. Gillard, however, has purchased his plane tickets and is expected to be at Harvard Yards for the second consecutive year in August.

GREENVILLE – The Fatties are back in business as a stellar group of nimcompoops opened the 2006 season with a little indoor spring training at the Pavillion, a new sports complex in Greenville.
Rings, EZ-E, The Kid AG, The Paralyzer, Chuck Weiler, Dut and The Dutch Boy were all on hand.
A little b.p. and some some throwing were followed by two exhibition games, the first going extra innings. Rings, Garcia, Dutch Boy and Dut each connected on taters to break in the wallbangers.
As it was the inaugural wiffle event at this facility, part of the process was to help lay out fields and determine rules for a planned winter league for next year. This will also include the long awaited Winter Fiasco, likely to be held next February. Details will follow this fall.
In addition, this may have marked the final Fatty appearance for The Paralyzer, who is allegedly moving to Arizona next month. We suspect he’ll be back as soon as he realizes you only get five cents for your returnables in most other states.

PHOENIX, AZ – WiffleHouse Legend and Hampton Pirate, Lloyd “The Paralyzer” Fuller, is once again planning a trans-continental move…this time, to Phoenix. Residents of the dessert have been in preparation for Fuller’s arrival for several weeks as he’s been putting the finishing touches on his preparations.
“This time, I’m staying!” insisted Lloyd recently, when questioned regarding the move. “I’ve even learned how to spell ‘Phoenix!’ Although, I’ll do everything in my power to be back in August for the Fatty.”
This will be important as Fuller is among the nominees for this year’s Fat Bastard Wiffle Ball Hall of Fame, which has just opened voting and will be announced in early summer.
Longtime fans may remember The Paralyzer’s last attempt at inter-state commerce, when he shocked fans and friends by moving to Tennessee at the start of the 2003 season. That previous sojurn lasted only a few weeks – and a heartbroken maiden or two – however, as Fuller was soon back in the WiffleHouse fold. His return to the Great Lakes State coincided with his ongoing Fat Bastard career and his patriarchal founding of the Goin’ Deep podcast in 2004, which has grown to worldwide listenership and infamy.
Arizona officials are aware of his impending arrival and have notified highway traffic patrol for the entourage heading their way early next week. State troopers are asking residents to please refrain from any unnecessary use of Interstates 40 and 17, to avoid the inevitable traffic delays that will accompany his arrival.

In a dramatic statement, MMWA Poster Child, Lloyd “The Paralyzer” Fuller has moved to Tennessee. Full details are to be found at the WiffleHouse. The Fat Bastards express their disappointment upon hearing the news.