NEW YORK (AP) – Jeff “O.B.” O’Bryan, Kyle “Puff Daddy” Steele and Andy “The Big ‘Un” Albertson – who has recently been noted to have “lost a great deal of weight” – were all named in the long-awaited Mitchell Report on Thursday, an All-Star roster linked to steroids and other performance-enhancing drugs that put a question mark – if not an asterisk – next to some of wiffle ball’s biggest moments.

Dave “Rings” Ringler, already under indictment on charges of lying to a federal grand jury about a 2001 frog incident in Mexico, also showed up in wiffle ball’s most infamous lineup since “Chitwood Asterisk Scandal” of 2002.

The report culminated a 20-month investigation by former Senate Majority Leader George Mitchell, hired by the MWA to examine the Steroids Era.

It was uncertain whether the report would result in any penalties or suspensions.

Several stars named in the report could pay the price in history, much the way Jon “Sugar” Lewis was kept out of the Hall of Fame this year merely because of steroids suspicion.

“Michigan Wiffle Alliance Vice-President Alan “The Kid” Garcia told me that the problem of performance-enhancing substances may be the most serious challenge that wiffle ball has faced since the ‘Asterisk’ scandal,” Mitchell said in the 409-page report.

“The illegal use of anabolic steroids and similar substances, in Garcia’s view, is ‘cheating of the worst sort.’ He believes that it is imperative for Fat Bastard Wiffle Ball to ‘capture the moral high ground’ on the issue and, by words and deeds, make it clear that wiffle ball will not tolerate the use of steroids and other performance-enhancing drugs.”

Eric “EZ-E” Albertson and “Senator” Rob Byrne (I-Sparta) were among other current players named in the report, both linked to Human Growth Hormone, which has been seen mainly in their waist lines.

“We identify some of the players who were caught up in this drive to gain a competitive advantage,” the report said. “Other investigations will no doubt turn up more names and fill in more details, but that is unlikely to significantly alter the description of wiffle ball’s ‘steroids era’ as set forth in this report.”

“I rarely bathe…and I never wear cologne.”

- Jon “Sugar” Lewis.
Trust us, we know.

“I knew it! I f***ing knew it!”
- Sugar, upon spying semi-nude male pictures on Ringler’s phone – allegedly of himself .
For more click.

PENTWATER – After the family had to fumigate the entire living space last year, OB has snuck the keys to the cabin again and the Fat Bastard Winter Meetings will commence up in Pentwater this weekend as EZ-E, Jose, The Colonel, The Senator, The Moop, Rings, Sugar, The Big Un and OB are all scheduled to be in attendance.
Topics will range from Pabst, to this year’s charitable cause, on to some Old Style, perhaps some team-name research and include some Strohs for color.
We’ll keep an eye on The Moop for our returnables, but otherwise plan on leaving a stink in that cabin that will be remembered by August.
On a more serious note, Fatty fans and players are requested to suggest a charitable cause or two that we might entertain for 2006. Please hit CONTACT to send some suggestions.

Fat Bastard Commish Cracks up the Short Bus on the Way Home from Indy

WARSAW, IN – The infamous “Short Bus” is no more after Dave “X” Ringler suffered an auto accident on the way home from a vintage base ball tournament this past weekend in Indiana.
“A guy ran a red light and crossed the intersection in front of me,” stated Rings, “and there was nothing I could do but hope the Short Bus would hold up.”
Thankfully, no humans suffered injuries as Rings was alone in his vehicle and the other car’s passengers escaped any injuries.
“The front end caved like a fat kid during two-a-days, but everyone walked away,” he continued.
The next task will be to fight with the other guy’s insurance carrier (Indiana is an at-fault state) with the help of our resident adjuster, Little Buddy. Then it’s off to look for a new Fatty-mobile.
“Well, the Short Bus was a good ride. I never lost it in a parking lot.”
Notably lost, however, was Sugar‘s slime marks in the back seat window, more than a few road-trip tales, and a special spot or two for K-K.

…Firsts at this Year’s Fatty.

10. Moonlight Graham looks much better in person than their pre-tournament photos
9. Pussy Galore wins consecutive games
8. Pelee Islanders mascot is their best dressed teammate
7. Sugar finally wins a game
6. Trey kills the battery in the Hummer and misses entire following day at work
5. Ringler makes it through entire tournament without feeding EZ
4. Bock remained sober…oh, waitaminute! That did NOT happen!
3. Fummundercheese wins the Baxter Bowl becoming the first team to claim it along with the Championship
2. A Galvan loses a game.
1. Kelley-Kelley is the first inductee to the Hall of Fame

…to Have Been at the 2003 Fatty!
10. Kelley-Kelley, Houghton, Zanner, Red and Jansma
9. Sugar has won! Sugar has won! (Kind of like France, you don’t hear that every day)
8. Joe Prostate kept his pants on
7. Jimmy Chitwood enjoyed a cool and refreshing beverage.
6. Those nice boys from Calvin kicked ass
5. Because the Moop has secured the perimeter
4. If you were stranded on Pelee Island or Monkee Island, at least there’d be beer.
3. O.B, O.B, O.B.
2. To get a ride in a Hummer
1. FINAL SCORE: Pussy Galore 8 – Jesus Helps Me Trick People 7 (6 Innings)

GRAND HAVEN – Fat Bastard “Top Ten” icon, Jon “Sugar” Lewis(-ski) is allegedly set to make his return to Fat Bastard competition for the first time since the final out of the 2001 Baxter Bowl. Reports indicate that Sugar will be playing with newcomer Joe “Jose” Turnes, well know for his role with the War Pigs since 1996. There reports, if confirmed, would also mark the first time that Sugar has found his own teammate since the ill-fated 1999 Fat Bastard Bad Beer World Series.
Two-time Baxter Bowl Champion, O.B., has confirmed that Jose will indeed play in the Fatty after securing his spot by reporting for “duty” over the Memorial Day weekend. O.B. was unable to confirm Jose’s playing partner, however, as O.B. himself is scheduled to return this year with the Big ‘Un in an effort to reclaim their Baxter Bowl title.
Sugar, as any long time Fat Bastard fan will remember, will always maintain his status in Fatty lore for his ability to train his girlfriend to drop him off at the bar after softball games and “drive around” for a few hours while he bent elbows with the boys. He has also managed to lower the line to 5-4 in favor of him cracking his first Fat Bastard homer, as he has found his power stroke since winning a Beaver Research game in 2002 with a walk-off grand slam.

Jon “Sugar” Lewis and Rob “Ice Cream Man” Bennett Hang ‘em Up
GRAND HAVEN – Both Sugar and the Ice Cream Man have notified the Fat Bastard Committee of their intention to skip this year’s tournament.
Sugar is well known to the Fat Bastards due to his over-the-top performances, year long pouting sessions, legendary comedic timing and his historical inability to homer…not even once…ever.
His presence will be sorely missed whenever there is a dull moment, a happenstance inconceivable during a Sugar attended event. He has served as an inspiration to us all in training his girlfriend to drive the car around for awhile while he bellies up after softball games, only to collect him later for the journey back to the Lakeshore. He will be forced to miss this year’s event due to work (?) obligations during the Coast Guard Festival in Grand Haven.
Rob “Ice Cream Man” Bennett is less well known to the Fatties. As an invite of VanLenteSoup, Ice would have been a worthy addition to this year’s Tourney. As owner of the local Baskin Robbins, he would have brought us some ice cream.
Rob: Dear Committee: Scott asked me to let you know about the wiffleball tourament. Due to the weekend it is on, I will have to pass this time. Thanks for the invite.
FBW: Good thing. You would have lost to the girl’s team and have been subject to a lifetime’s embarrassment. We were planning on scheduling you as our opening round oppenent to ensure our place in the winner’s bracket.
Rob: Well, next time, don’t schedule it on the Coast Guard weekend in Grand Haven and I’ll be there! Then we’ll see how many girls’ teams we lose to.
FBW: Oh, we can see how wandering around an overcrowded amatuer-hour Grand Haven with a bunch of people you don’t know can be more fun than hanging out with friends, drinking beer at breakneck speed, and trying to hit a wiffle ball.
Rob: Actually, I will be sitting on Lake Michigan on my parents’ boat drinking as many cold ones as you. I will do a little jet skiing, a little swimming with the kids, and partying with any friends that would like to join us. Sorry I am going to miss it, but the lake is too good to pass up.
FBW: The interesting thing about the lake is that it is always there. The Fat Bastard comes but once a year. You can skip the tournament, but send ice cream anyway!

10. EZ-E throws a tantrum
9. We’ll love Sugar, even if he never makes it back.
8. Garcia homers off EZ-E. Pirates still lose.
7. Baxter’s diet fails.
6. G.L.O.W. wins one.
5. Kelley-Kelley throws the first pitch.
4. The return of Joe Prostate.
3. More O.B.
2. We’ll bring home some hardware (many close calls in ’02, but no top prizes).
1. The Fat Bastard remains the greatest tournament in the sport. (Named “best tournament” of 2002 by GLWA & WiffleHouse)