GREENVILLE – Long-time nest of the Milwaukee Hall of Fame due, Steve “Cougar” Peavler & Matt “Rusty” Hilgers succumbed to fire this afternoon in Greenville.

Local News WZZM 13 is reporting a fire at the Westwood Inn, just off m-57 in Greenville, where we ventured out from Harvard Yards to have a look.

Long time spectators will recognize the jacuzzi suite at the Westwood, where the on-the-field (and perhaps off-the-field) fortunes of the Wisconsin lads took a turn to the better after reorganizing their captainship and relocating their team headquarters from their previous quarters at the Winter Inn.

For more details of the fire, check out the coverage HERE.

The following is a shout out from Hall of Famer Steve “Cougar” Peavler:

Between all the craptastic things going on in my life right now, I was not-so-surprisingly idea free on what to write for the FB this year. I was taking one of those online quizzes at one of those Yiddish porn sites when it hit me. I put together my encyclopedic knowledge of film, my obsession with sports, some late night drunken googling and my deep hatred for all of the Fat Bastards…and what did I come up with? The FB 2009 Quote Quiz! Some of these quotes are from film, some from sports, and some are true blue Fatty bluster. Take the quiz and find out just how “fat” a bastard you are.

1. “Peace, love and no fat chix.”

Jimmy “Chitwood” Galvan
Champ Kind
Joe “Jose” Turnes
John “Bluto” Blutarsky

2. “Well, you can run like Mays, but you hit like shit.”

Lonnie Rucker
Drey “Doc” Barber
Indians Manager Lou Brown
Pat “Truck” Moriarity

3. “I’m drunk. Help me.”

Andy Dick
Nick Nolte
Dan “Private” Ryan
Ben “Spicolli” Taylor

4. “Were we so different? They’re a young species. They have much to learn. But I’ve seen goodness in them.”

Optimus Prime
Dave “Rings’” Ringler
Wes Mantooth
Al Garcia

5. “I used to have a bad gag reflex, but then my dentist showed me what to do.”

Tracy Lords
Sarah Palin
Hall of Famer, Kelley-Kelley
Scott “Poor S.O.B.” Graves

6. “If I knew I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself.”

Walter Matthau
Scott “The Colonel” Byrne
Walter Cronkite
Mickey Mantle

7. “Have I ever seen a grown man naked? Not grown enough.”

Tila Tequila
Stephanie “Mini” Cooper
Jeff “Jughead” Jewell
Veronica Corningstone

8. “They talk to us. They tell us about the great big terrible things they’ve done and the great big wonderful things they’re going to do. Their hopes, their regrets. Their loves, their hates. All very large, because nobody ever brings anything small into a bar.”

“Sugar”
Randy “The Ram” Robinson
Elwood P Dowd
Jeff “O.B.” O’Bryan

9. “Nothing good comes out of being sixth – you have to set your beer down just to count that far and that’s not right.”

Crash Davis
Dave “Atta Boy” Ferguson
Matt “Rusty” Hilgers
John Daly

10. “I led the league in ‘Go get ‘em next time.’”

Gary Sheffield
Dustin “The Wind” Nichols
Bob Uecker
Coach Norman Dale

11. “This is what happens when you f**k a stranger in the **s!”

Ron Jeremy
Walter Sobchak
Ash J. Williams
Richard Gere

12. “A game against us would be heaven? Please, son. Unless, of course, your idea of heaven is ending the day curled up in the fetal position in a puddle of your own shame and humiliation.”

Trey Sumner
Wayne Fontes
Brian “Tank” Braat
John Kruk

13. “Back off man. I’m a scientist.”

Victor Conte
Eric “EZ-E” Albertson
Dr. Peter Venkman
Mike “Wy-Wy” Wyman

14. “You wanna find an outlaw, you call an outlaw. You wanna find a Dunkin’ Donuts, call a cop.”

Shaquille O’Neal
Jimmy “Chitwood” Galvan
Leonard Smalls
Matt “Bish” Bishop

15. “Make the lie big, make it simple, keep saying it, and eventually they will believe it.”

Adolf Hitler
Kwame Kilpatrick
Jaime “Old School” Hernandez
Ron “Don’t Call Me” Francis

16. “If I had that car and he had a feather up his **s, we’d both be tickled.”

Nathan Arizona
Hal “Pops” Ringler
Cliff “Clavin” Russo
Red Leary

17. “You are a smelly pirate hooker.”

Ron Burgundy
T.J. “Two-Bat” Heyda
Troy “Clark” Kent
Bev Fisher

18. “I want to buy your women… the little girl… your daughters. Sell them to me. Sell me your children.”

Brian Fantana
“Joliet” Jake Blues
Jeff “Sigmund” Freund
R. Kelly

19. “So, where’s the Cannes Film Festival being held this year?”

Barack Obama
Ryan “Where You” Breen
Hans “The Queen” Heikkinen
Christina Aguilera

20. “I think gay marriage is something that should be between a man and a woman.”

Arnold Schwarzenegger
Scott “UKR” Richards
Kevin “Jack and Jill Went up the” Hillary
Elizabeth Hasselbeck

21. “You can’t drink all day, if you don’t start first thing in the morning.”

Larry “Legend” Zeiser
Sailor Ripley
Barney Gumble
Ike Turner

22. “I have opinions of my own –strong opinions– but I don’t always agree with them.”

George W. Bush
Rob “The Senator” Byrne
Susan “Zanner” Sheppard
Brick Tamland

23. “You go to bed with Bo Derek and you wake up with Bo Diddley.”

Frank “The Tank” Ricard
Andy “Big ‘Un” Albertson
Mike “Spike” Samec
Robert “Boogie” Sheftell

24. “”All pitchers are liars or crybabies.”

Yogi Berra
Ty Cobb
Steve “Cougar” Peavler
Arthur P Hoggett

25. “So THAT’s how it is in their family…”

Lt. Cmdr Matt T Sherman
Lloyd Fuller
Ed Rooney
Colin “Tugboat” DeWaay

See the comments for the answer key…

Who knew…?
*
The wiffle wind blows
Catches the scent of the Port-a-Jon
PIMS & Pabst be found
- Sen. Robt. Byrne
*
Yellow wand slashes
Futile pursuit of laughing six-hole ball
Sugar K’s again
- Col. Scott Byrne
*
Final out… sun sets…
Heckles are hollered from the
sleepy eyed dirtbags
- Steve “Cougar” Peavler
*
Ball one, ball two, ugh
ball three, ball four, oh Jesus
…here we go again
- Matt “Rusty” Hilgers

CHICAGO – Once again, Fatty Hall of Famer Steve “Cougar” Peavler will be participating in “Go Vertical Chicago” in support of the Damon Runyan Cancer Research Foundation. The event will be held on November 9th, where Peavler will walk the stairs to the top of the Sears Tower in downtown Chicago. After that, he’ll likely be taking on some liquid carbohydrates in an effort to replenish himself.

The Fatties contributed last year to this great cause. He’s set a goal of $1500 raised this year. If you are so inclined, feel free to check out Cougar’s page HERE. You can follow his progress towards his goal and find out more about his supported cause.

Good luck, Steve!

The following is a Shout Out from Steve “Cougar” Peavler, fresh off his expose on Area 51 and the Grassy Knoll:

So I just got the word about this Hall of Fame thing. Something about me being part of “the man” and “licking Ringler’s jackboots” and all that. Whatever. If Dave doesn’t let Matt speak his piece at the induction, we will all know the good and bad sides of having a “royal family”.

I’ll speak no more of the FBHOF. First things first. Let’s call a spade a spade. The rankings are bad enough. I mean, my team is ranked 20th and Dave and EZ are ranked 3??? And they have been avoiding us for, what, five years? Let’s look past that at some indisputable evidence of tampering, favoritism and general Fat Bastard fixes. The draw and bracket. What a plate of precooked jerky. Time to play food inspector.

To judge the draw, we must judge the entire bracket. It can be best looked at as an A, B, C and D group. The A and B groups, the top half, play more games in the winner’s bracket and are fully stocked with tough squads. The C and D groups, the bottom half, play less games than A and B since the FB has expanded to 28 teams. There are only a few real contenders in the C and D half (3 out of the 12 teams are ranked in the top 10). Anyone want to guess in which half we find Dave and EZ?

Even better, the only two true contenders in the Dave and EZ half of the bracket are ones that Ringler loses sleep over – the Galvin squad (even minus Galvin this is an Xman nightmare), and the Braats (who upstaged Rings in 2006 to the delight of many). One could infer that Ringler and EZ would love to topple either of these previously victorious rivals.

With all this in mind, and with a couple or three beers down my gullet, let’s look at this 28 team mosh pit in the bracket format that has been ever so strategically arranged and make some informed but completely impartial predictions…

GROUP 1A
6. Thank You Sir May I Have Another vs. 7. Butt Cracks & Plungers
AND
14. The Sneaky Beaners vs. 28. Buttermakers’ Beaver
Surprise, surprise. The square peg rookie team (the Beavers) gets the worst possible draw (co-ed? Don’t you know that Kelley’s team is the only one in the FB sporting cleavage?! EZ doesn’t count, of course). Facing the Byrnes, the Hillarys and the Garcia/Paralyzer squad, the Beavers should just get drunk on Friday and stay that way until the Baxter Bowl. Just don’t let Ringler put you to work toting foul poles or shucking corn or carting kegs or milking Baxter. You’ll be taking enough of a beating already.
WHAT RINGLER WANTS:
Dave would love to see the Byrnes lose to this amazing competition. He has some historical grudge here and always gives these childhood pals a rough challenge, but I must admit that the marquee match up of the Byrnes with the Hillarys will be the ultimate kick off to this year’s tourney. Dave expects Richards to provide high hilarity as the likely Baxter candidate from this group.
WHAT WILL HAPPEN?
The Hillary’s will not disappoint in game one, but the reunited Garcia/ Paralyzer team will shoot through this draw and face Licky Boom Boom Down in a big third round thriller. There might be a team from this bracket who makes it all the way through the second chance bracket to the play in game.

GROUP 2A
24. Sugar’s Coastie Pride Festival vs. 18. Pants for Peavler
AND
17. GonnaHerpaSyphilAids vs. 1. Licky Boom Boom Down
So another rookie team looks to get smoked in this bracket. Looking for Dave and EZ’s anointed newcomer this year? We haven’t gotten to it yet. I know one thing, Ringler loves this Breen team. They are everything the Braats could not be. They play hard, they keep quiet, they don’t use the house bathroom, and most importantly they don’t show up Ringler at his own tournament. As far as Pants for Peavler, I feel honored by this team name in the same way you would feel when a neighbor’s dog can’t stop sniffing your ass – you smile, you might even enjoy it, but you’ll never mention it to anyone.
WHAT RINGLER WANTS: Rings would love to see Licky Boom Ascend to the FB elite. The Braat Brothers disappointed after 2006 and Rings wants to set up LICKY for a nice shot at an exciting FB finish. Rings has also neatly arranged it so that Francis and Graves have an easy opening game – thus eliminating them from the Baxter Bowl contention, which they have apparently won too many times.
WHAT WILL HAPPEN?
Licky cannot hope to fail in this cream puss draw. Yep, I said it. Scott, Matt said Ron was a sandbagger. Whatever that means, it’s true. Anyway, once the Breens win their first two games, we will be treated to a real showdown between the survivors of the stacked deck in Group 1A.

GROUP 1B
21. Oh, Pickles! Vs 27. Donkey Punch
AND
8. We’re Not Gay; We Just Have a Wide Stance vs. 25. Ladies, We Have Pocket Rockets
So Mike Lurvey gets a promotion and decides he can finally step out from the shadow of the Philadelphia Rocket. Good for him. The Rocket has been blaming Lurvey for poor finishes for too many years and was just a plain crab-ass. Not that I minded the Yeunglings when offered. Lurvey’s Pickles squad might win the first two rounds, and group 1B looks to produce a Baxter Bowl favorite in the Pocket Rockets
WHAT RINGLER WANTS:
If the Donkey Punch squad lost two and went to the B Bowl that would fit the script. Rings also must owe Dr Branch a medical bill for sticking the “wide stance” into this nice draw. The Stance is poised to make it to the third round in the mind of the Ringler
WHAT WILL HAPPEN?
Pickles beat the Punch and the Doctors. The Rockets lose two but challenge for the Baxter Bowl (if you are in this leg of the draw, you are better off in the Baxter). Mike Lurvey finally gets the recognition he deserves.

GROUP 2B
23. Drunk Again & Lookin’ 2 Score vs. 4. You Took the Candy, Now Get in the Van
AND
12. Pinch the Hitter vs. 9. Sexy Keepers of the Keys & Grounds
Welcome Sexy Keepers. I expect to see Eric Albertson bringing you cold towels to comfort your supple necks in the brutal heat of summer and Ringler praising your plate discipline to all who will listen. 2007 brought this league no rookie phenom, and the draw for 2008 screams for one. The FB faithful will be touting you as so much hot chowder that Pat “Truck” Moriarty will look to Kmart for confirmation that he is still alive and kicking. Message to Truck: Kmart is MIA and almost out of business.
WHAT RINGLER WANTS:
NEW STARS. Keep trolling the Midwestern tournaments to bring in talent. This rookie team should mow through the first game and then, if all goes as planned, Trey and the Moop will be silenced early by Ringler’s new find.
WHAT WILL HAPPEN?
Trey appears to be on some sort of a mission. With eloquence the mighty army mite has called out most everyone in the tournament, and I think he is ready to back things up. When this team is communicating, they have a weird sort of cockiness and psychological connection. Think Clint and Clyde in “Every Which Way but Loose”. The ladies advance to the Baxter while Trey and the Moop will beat the Pickles in round three and face a formidable challenger from the A group in game four.
We now enter the bottom half of the bracket. Yes, to answer your question, Matt and I are indeed in the bottom half (group D). And although that is an injustice, along with our shockingly LOW ranking, we welcome the opportunity as always.

GROUP 1C
15. There are Plenty of Mohicans vs. 19. I Wonder if Eric is Brushing His Teeth
AND
11. The Bushwackers vs. 16. Pushing Our Luck
Sounds like Rings was pissed off at the late registration of the Pushing Luck team and ranked them accordingly. Still, he gave them an opening round against a team that has a undeservedly high ranking, so it kind of all balances out. You also have a marquee draw in the game between the Dustin Nichols team and the Big’Un and O’B team (on the Red field, of course).
WHAT RINGLER WANTS:
It would be great for the FB if the Pushing Luck team made a strong push this year, either for the title or the Baxter. It would make it look like Dave lit a fire under them after their registration gaffe, and the full respect of the fattest bastard would remained unchallenged.
WHAT WILL HAPPEN?
Dustin and Stecker move their way through this bracket and meet Hooray Beer for the 1pm game on the Red field. The Bushwackers lose two early heartbreakers but find their way to the Baxter championship.

GROUP 2C
13. Fingers Sexson Pujols vs. 3. Hooray Beer!
AND
10. Cup of Soup vs. 2. Baxter’s Rocket Has Landed on Uranus
The very high ranking for Cup of Soup indicates one of two things – either Ringler believes this team to be Baxter Bowl champion material or they were cupping more than just Dave’s soup.
WHAT RINGLER WANTS:
Take one from the Truck at 7am and then pull off a miraculous 1040am win over Lonnie’s squad. The best time to play Truck, who is somewhat gravitationally challenged, and Lonnie, who has been spotted asleep at many a tournament game, is early in the morning. This apparently challenging draw will be good for Dave and EZ – who are both early birds by nature.
WHAT WILL HAPPEN:
Hooray Beer could very well pull off this plan if the Rocket team does not show up. They look forward to their RED field match up at 1pm after pulling off these two amazing victories.

GROUP D
26. Dibs! vs. 5. Neverland Ranch
AND
22. Geriatric Crew: Depends & Brew vs. 20. Rusty’s Trombone
In 2006, the Braat brothers came out of the second chance bracket to win the entire tourney. This was such a monumental moment in their lives that they still display “Champion” tattoos, wear “FB Champs” t-shirts regularly, and use a poorly edited graphic of their FB photo with the word CHAMPION etched on the top for their Facebook icon.
As galling as their eternal celebration may be, the “one of the boys” routine in 2007 may have topped it for making the FB faithful taste their lunch. Trey put it best in his recent manifesto, and I guess I can just add that no matter how fun lovin’ they are, this is the kind of team you love to hate.
So why would Ringler and EZ set us up with Neverland vs. Dibs!? This looks to be the biggest mismatch in the first round! Look closely, grasshopper, and you will see….
WHAT RINGLER WANTS:
Rings and EZ would love to see the Braats win two easy games, sit around for five hours of glad handing, and then meet a team on a hot streak (maybe one named “Hooray Beer”) for a little unexpected comeuppance.
WHAT WILL HAPPEN:
The game between Rusty’s Trombone and the Geriatric crew will be a hotly contested rematch from last year. This is the sad truth for both teams involved. The winner will go on to face a cocky Braat squad, but if the loser is falls again to Dibs! (aka “Ten and the Lakers”), they may contest for the Baxter bowl. The Braats will need to pace themselves and understand this draw for what it is – a Ringler mind game.

The following is a Shout Out from Steve “Cougar” Peavler:

How out of touch are you?

I like to think I’m down. I live in a big city. I meet a lot of people. I read the business section (quickly, so I can skip to the comics). I feel like I still have some mojo working with the ladies. I enjoy world travel. I stay abreast of pop culture, current local and national political issues. I like to shop for new clothes a few times a year. I stay active. I see new movies….

I was once on the cutting edge of society. I had Murmur on cassette in 1982. I chose Moonlighting over ER in 1986. I preferred Barton Fink to Cape Fear in 1991. My favorite World Series was in 1993 when I rooted for Lenny Dykstra and John Kruk in a losing seven-game effort to the Toronto Blue Jays. In 1998 I was partial to Zero Effect, not Armageddon.

Cutting edge is a fleeting phenomenon.

I am an old, out of touch, square fuddy duddy. My Facebook page is a blank stare. I have never “gooned” anyone, or posted any physical beatings on You Tube. I have never stolen a car. I don’t know who Arcade Fire or Band or Horses are. I have never called anyone “Boo”.

I am a 37 year old boy-man in denial. I am past a prime that hit the Mendoza Line at its high peak. I never really went to huge rock concerts, nightclubs or great parties. I usually stay at home on the weekend. I have never picked up a girl at a bar. I have been married for almost ten years and my wife most definitely wears the pants. I have done drugs, just not any of the cool ones. When I travel outside of the country, I usually need serious help just getting to the correct gate at the airport. I still can’t explain American Idol, Grand Theft Auto, the electoral college system or the dynamics of Social Security and FICA. My clothes never seem to fit, and I have the most common size in the country. I follow most major sports and still can’t explain a balk, intentional grounding or traveling. My personal sports career ended at age 14 on the bench during a parochial league faculty-student basketball game, only to be resurrected in August 2003 with our first appearance at the Fat Bastard Wiffle ball tournament.

This year, Matt Hilgers will join me for our sixth shot at one-day greatness. In the past five years, I have exactly one home run, but our expectations have never been higher. In 2008, we are both new fathers. We would like to say this will play a part in our success, but that would be bullshit. What I can say is the following….

We want O.B. to be our manager…

We would love to play against Ringler but he always rigs the tournament so he doesn’t face us….

Scott Graves is pussywhipped and we love him for it…..

EZ has got to be the only 16th century FOP living in central Michigan…..

Jimmy Chitwood is the most pampered superstar the FB has ever known…..

Alan Garcia is still the player we most fear….

Sean the Rocket is welcome to walk me anytime….

I will no longer play without pants. That was a 2007 special one time offering….

Our political views will be, as always, off the table. Don’t try to bait us….

A game against Trey and the Moop would be heaven….

Sugar, I have your number….

The Doctors are a bunch of sissies….

Drinking is NOT optional….

The HRL love-fest has already hit its peak….

Please don’t make us play the Hillary’s….

That dude who made the pork and played us was weird, but we liked him….

If Matt pukes before Noon, we are a dangerous team to draw….

I don’t want to drink heavily, but if Mixan pushes me too far….

Larry, those cocktails were marvelous…

WE WANT O.B. TO BE OUR MANAGER! And we don’t think there is a rule against it – even if he is playing for another team!… &*@# it!

It’s on, bitches. Vote for Senator Rusty Trombone in 2008!

CHICAGO – Five-year Fatty veteran Steve “Cougar” Peavler will be participating in the Go Vertical Challenge this year. From Cougar:

“Help me take the Go Vertical Challenge!

On Sunday, November 11th, I will participate in Go Vertical Chicago, the 6th annual climb up the Sears Tower to benefit the Damon Runyon Cancer Research Foundation. This is the longest indoor stair climb in the world. Participants start in the lobby of the Sears Tower and climb 103 stories to its famous Skydeck.

You may already know that last year my mother was diagnosed with stage 1 cancer. Through a successful surgical procedure and treatment, thank God she is now cancer free. I would like to dedicate this climb to her. My goal is to raise $1000. Please consider making a donation to this very worthwhile cause.

The Damon Runyon Cancer Research Foundation is reaching new heights in the fight against cancer-1,353 feet, in fact.

THERE ARE TWO WAYS TO DONATE and sponsor my climb:

1. – Go to the Go Vertical website at http://www.goverticalchicago.org/
  – Hit “Register Now” and look up my name (Steve Peavler) under “individual runner”
  – process a donation directly by clicking on the “Go Donate” button
2. – Contact me in order to send a donation by check that I will submit.
  – Make checks out to: DAMON RUNYAN CANCER RESEARCH FOUNDATION
  – I will get a receipt from the foundation for all donations.

100% of every donation goes directly to cancer research.

The Damon Runyon Cancer Research Foundation is a non profit organization with 501(c)(3) status.

I hope my legs don’t give out… Thanks for your support!

-Steve Peavler”

As Ringler’s Mom is also a ten-year cancer survivor, the Fatties are making a $100.00 donation to Peavler’s effort. We hope that you might also consider helping out.
Best of luck, Steve!

The following is an article from Steve “Cougar” Peavler:

“Magic of the Duff can,” my ass!

As the website states, “For the second straight year, the #1 ranked team drew the #24 team in their opening game.” If that isn’t a sure sign to you of some ballot stuffing, I might be willing to wager you on the Republican Primary (Ringler over Thomson in a runoff).

Yes, as my Captain and I have said for years, the Fat Bastard tournament is “Rigged and Unfair.” In this, my fifth consecutive annual protest, I will use the “blind draw” (did they think WE were blind?) as evidence of this foul play. You will see that in every time slot, there is a Rigged game (cheatin’, lyin’ bastiches), a so-called “Do Not Miss” game (a marquee game to milk the ratings, because if you’re not in one of these games, good luck making the highlight reel), a Letdown (because even EZ can’t rig ‘em all) and a Beatdown (to maintain the balance of nature).

7:00 Games
Third Streich vs. All Star Wiffling! With the Baron and the Mad Dog (in Colour)
RIGGED (for dramatic content)!! Obviously this is a classic set up for one of those before and after Reefer Madness scare films (get us and Mixan on film before we de-volve into our natural states)

Handicapped Accessible vs. Crazy – With Papers to Prove It
BEATDOWN!!! New teams usually get the early draw but they don’t always win, except this time. Trey and Moop will fall hard as they lull Crazy into a false sense of security with the slowest pitching they will face all day.

Tween the Bizzos vs. Balls Deep
LETDOWN!! Rocket’s pitching never gets good until later in the day. New balls at 7am plus a dewy field equals more than a few free passes for the Bizzos

How’s Your Wife and My Kids? vs. Driving Miss Daisy (Into the Headboard)
DO NOT MISS! A rare offering of athleticism on both sides of the diamond (and the two team names most likely to be submitted by Andrew Dice Clay).

7:55 Games
At Least We Passed English 201 vs. Other Than That, Mrs. Lincoln, How was the Play?
DO NOT MISS! Mrs. Lincoln sneaks by in a crowd favorite. This zany affair should wake up the fans as they finally emerge from ice cream hangovers.

Crabs vs. Tea Baggers
RIGGED! Two new teams with an 8am draw is a transparent attempt to create a 2007 rookie darling. The most entertaining team will win the hearts of the Fatty faithful for the remainder of the day. May the blandest team be quickly brushed aside

We Shaved Our Balls for This? vs. Big, Hairy American Winning Machine
BEATDOWN!! The Hillarys will put the smackdown on last year’s FB darling. Sophomore slump sucks, don’t it?

At Least We’re Not Short, Bald & Irish vs. Heavy Petting Zoo
LETDOWN!! This one would be really good if the teams were in drag or the pitchers mound was a bed of hot coals (thus giving some shocker value), but instead it will be too much self absorbed narration and flagellation.

8:50 Games
Eatin’ Ain’t Cheatin’ vs. Susan Says
RIGGED!!! Chitwood must have it in his contract that he never plays before 8:30am. Remember, girls, Lonnie’s one hell of a worker,  but his weakness is soft, pretty things. Curly’s wife got him good at their last job.

Hail the Half Whale vs. We Swing Both Ways
DO NOT MISS!!! Ron and Scott defend the eastern shores of Lake Michigan from what may be the tipping point of a Minnesota invasion. Traditionalists will be rooting for the Swingers to hold down the fort, but if the Whale wins, there goes the neighborhood.

BALCO’s Failed Experiment vs. Cenosilicaphobia
LETDOWN!!! Not only is Balco not really from Alaska, these so-called Doctors barely register a pulse in the fan-o-meter. A word with more than three syllables doesn’t help. This one will be broadcast on the Outdoor life network after the Stanley cup finals.

Polled by a Priest vs. Merkle’s Boner
BEATDOWN!!! Watch the Byrne’s make quick work of these p*ssy newcomers. Indoor league, feh! They probably wore body armor.

David Horowitz’s lawyer will be contacting the league office in short order.

Yours in faith,
Steve “Cougar” Peavler

The following is a guest article by Milwaukee’s own Steve “Cougar” Peavler, with follow up by Matt “Rusty” Hilgers:

The Brewers are holding a 1-0 lead and I feel no confidence whatsoever. Why? Bases loaded, one out, bottom of the ninth. Coors Field. The Brewers have not had a winning season in 13 years. There is a mindset here, a shared consciousness, or lack of confidence, that plagues my hometown team. It’s hype, and it’s well deserved, and everyone buys into it.

In the same way, another team suffers from vicious cycle of failure and perceived ineptitude and…well, failure again. The team – or at least “assembling” – of Peavler and Hilgers is again ranked horribly low in the Fat Bastard Scouting Report. Now, we have had some low rankings before, but this year’s projections are the lowest ever. Last. 24th out of 24. One can’t get much lower than ranking last. Well, I guess that you could rank last AND have to kneel and vow eternal loyalty to King Ringler at the Fat Bastards Award ceremony. That would be lower (I have to remind myself: that was just a nightmare).

Peavler has not hit a home run in three years. Hilgers has been known to display a weariness and wildness on the mound. This year the team faces a ballyhooed new squad from the Land of 10,000 Lakes in the early draw. Rookie-of-the-year propaganda has already begun to surface for Touched by an Uncle, who apparently rock the Midwest plastic scene with another colorful big man – there’re never enough at the FB – and some “Minnesota Moxie.” The Peavler-Hilgers show has run out of jokes. Their team name, Consider the Llama, is more puzzling than EZ’s ill fitting Ocean Pacific Beachwear. At 1-8 lifetime, the “Schlobs from Shlotztown” are no longer cute and funny. They are old and their obscure humor is in bad taste. They still quote lines from Raising Arizona and they toss out poor impersonations of Jack Palance when they get tipsy.

BUT WAIT!…against the surprising Colorado Rockies, in a road game where the Brew Crew has an 18-33 record, new closer Francisco Cordero struck out the final two batters with the bases loaded to preserve a rare 1-0 road victory! It’s already his second save! “So what,” you say? “Our team is World Series bound,” you say? “Your mama is wears LlamaJammas,” I say! “Take this Mench and stick it in your Verlander,” I say!

Nobody expects the new look Brewers – Los Cerveceros – sin El Caballo - to win these days, and hey, they pulled one out. Don’t be surprised when the unlovable Llama, everybody’s favorite ashtray, shocks the Ringler Brain campaign train and breaks an eight game losing streak. Plus, Matt is getting married – to a girl, even – this October…AND we have a second practice scheduled. That has to count for something, right? Stranger things have happened (see the 2006 Tigers), and this August 12 there is one thing I can count on – it will be strange.

Looking forward to it, gentlemen. Let’s hope someone can get me into the VFW again. I don’t have a card and I can’t wait to see what’s on TV.

- Cougar

I salute my teammate for his deft touch of propaganda. As Team Captain I stand by every single thing my erstwhile teammate has said. Not only that, I promoting him to Captain. To keep continuity with chain of command, I am also promoting myself to Kaiser.

- Kaiser Rusty

“We have, however, broken with recent tradition and practiced. Granted it was windy, raining, at night, in a Chicago vacant lot, we’d been drinking all day and the only bystanders were three kids who could care less – completely ideal conditions all the way around. It was dark, but we were probably brilliant. I also plan on practicing, seems like a good habit. You can read about that idea and more in my forthcoming book Seven Successful Secrets of Someone Who’s Just Barely Not a Retard.”
- Matt “Rusty” Hilgers on Consider the Llama’s tournament preparations.