GREENVILLE – Long-time nest of the Milwaukee Hall of Fame due, Steve “Cougar” Peavler & Matt “Rusty” Hilgers succumbed to fire this afternoon in Greenville.

Local News WZZM 13 is reporting a fire at the Westwood Inn, just off m-57 in Greenville, where we ventured out from Harvard Yards to have a look.

Long time spectators will recognize the jacuzzi suite at the Westwood, where the on-the-field (and perhaps off-the-field) fortunes of the Wisconsin lads took a turn to the better after reorganizing their captainship and relocating their team headquarters from their previous quarters at the Winter Inn.

For more details of the fire, check out the coverage HERE.

Who knew…?
*
The wiffle wind blows
Catches the scent of the Port-a-Jon
PIMS & Pabst be found
- Sen. Robt. Byrne
*
Yellow wand slashes
Futile pursuit of laughing six-hole ball
Sugar K’s again
- Col. Scott Byrne
*
Final out… sun sets…
Heckles are hollered from the
sleepy eyed dirtbags
- Steve “Cougar” Peavler
*
Ball one, ball two, ugh
ball three, ball four, oh Jesus
…here we go again
- Matt “Rusty” Hilgers

The following is a Shout Out from Matt “Rusty” Hilgers, in an effort to help any new Fatties in their Harvard Yards debut:

1. The Fat Bastards drink. They drink a lot. They drink things with cucumbers, they drink things from Pittsburgh, they drink things in non-descript bottles handed to them by other Fat Bastards who say “drink this”. If it’s cold, in a can or bottle and contained in their cooler (though yours will do nicely) it will be drank. The drinking serves a leveling purpose so that those with talent are brought down to the level of those without. If you are expecting to show up and not drink you will be mocked. Unless you’re a priest or something. In that case, go get stoned in the woods.
2. You will be mocked. Your clothes are ridiculous, your haircut sub par. Do you have a mother? Don’t mention her. Besides, she’s a tramp. Only a girly man would swing a bat like you. My half-brother in a cough-syrup induced coma throws better than that. You’re about as sharp as a sack of wet doorknobs. Wherever it is you’re from smells like an armpit covered in ham loaf. Also: you’re ugly.
3. Do not look into the bottom of the port-a-john. I would like to repeat that in all caps. DO NOT LOOK INTO THE BOTTOM OF THE PORT-A-JOHN. That is where souls get lost and vomit wants to make it’s home.
4. You can watch him all day, but Sugar won’t homer. You might as well find something to drink.
5. There’s this thing behind where the batter stands, it’s square and connects into the ground. You’re going to want to hit that when you pitch. Otherwise, you may want to bring a chair to the pitcher’s mound. They may be sitting in them in the batter’s box, so it make sense.
6. Some guys will take pitches. Fat Bastards can be selective fellows, only swinging at pitches that meet their high standards. There are some overly selective fellows occasionally referred to as “take monkeys”; they tread a fine line between being jackasses and being huge jackasses. Some Fat Bastards don’t like to swing at all, as it wastes energy that could be better served elsewhere. Like drinking.
7. If you’re are thinking that it seems suspicious how people are trying to get you really drunk the night before, knowing you were selected to start at 7:00 am (despite pleadings from the committee about the “random” draw), and that you, decent folk, seem to have a really tough draw as opposed to other, say, not so decent folk? Well, duh.
8. There is an Ice Cream Social. No ice cream will be served. Try and guess what will be.
9. Ron’s a sandbagger. You tell him I said that.
10. We’re all just here to have a good time. But sadly, to the disappointment of all, the winner is usually from Illinois.

A Shout Out from Rusty, who’s been responding to the unsolicited inquiries in his inbox:

From:  Doctor Lynne Sargent
To:  Rusty
Subject:  (!)IMPORTANT You can make your wife gratified!
Don’t know how to do this? It’s simply!
For more details click here
(website removed);
Have an ardent love!
**** 
To:  Doctor Lynne Sargent
From:  Rusty
Subject:  re:(!)IMPORTANT
I was very grateful to receive your message, Dr. Sargent (can I call you
Doctor?).

As anyone who knows me will attest, my life revolves around three
things; ice cream sandwiches, breeding manatees and gratifying my wife,
though not necessarily in that order (love those manatees).  I was
fairly certain that I already knew the gratification steps, so to speak,
but when someone as imminent as yourself – a doctor! – offers advice how
can I refuse? 

I tried to use your web link but it didn’t work, now I’m in a bit of a
pickle.  I’m feeling ardently disjointed.

Normally I’m a little leery about exchanging information over the
internet.  But I can’t pass up this opportunity.  So let me just tell
you the first few steps in my current foolproof system (no complaints so
far, but then again my wife is inflatable), and you email me back and
let me know if I’m on the right track.

1. Purchase Garden Weasel
2. Attend church services
3. Consult my physician/veterinarian
4. Lubricate, lubricate, lubricate
5. Attend church services

Thanks in advance, and have an avid day!

***

 TO:  Rusty
FROM:  Dr. Burton Dwyer
SUBJECT:  Huge male device has much more advantagesYour wife  shack up with your friend thats why you are alone.
For reason of of his instrument size. Wives  love huge  jang.
Do not panic man. Today you have astonishing possibility to Increase
your jang size.
Lengthen your aggregate size and you will forget about problems sure
enough.
(website removed)
***
To:  Doctor Burton Dwyer
From:  Rusty
Subject:  re:  Huge male device has much more advantages.
This is shocking to me Doctor (can I call you Doctor also?), absolutely shocking!
Had I known wives love huge Jangs I would have done something about it hours ago.  Now I couldn’t figure out exactly what a Jang is, but a little research told me that Jang is a common Korean surname.  Of course!  I’m almost certain my wife asked for a giant Korean just last
Christmas. I can see how one of those would have come in handy.  That doesn’t
really explain how she left me for my friend (was it Steve?) since I’m
pretty sure she’s inflatable. Since you’re fairly knowledgeable (being a doctor and all) is there some
place in Wisconsin I can pickup a big Korean?  Wal-Mart?  Cracker
Barrel?  Do I have to pay by the pound?  And what exactly constitutes a
big Korean?  Is that like a jumbo shrimp?

Any help would be appreciated.

***

FROM:  Eileen Bergeron
TO:  Rusty
SUBJECT:  Nashville vigilantism Get your controlled medication at (website removed)
***
TO:  Eileen Bergeron
FROM:  Rusty
SUBJECT:  re:  Nashville
Eileen, thank heavens you emailed me, I’ve been looking for the right
medication for my terrible, death-dealing
illness..
As I’m sure you know Bronsonitis is a terrible disease.  Here I am, just
some average joe, minding my own inbox.
Then I get this terrible urge to get a bowl haircut, grow a bad mustache
and execute character actors pretending to be criminals.  It’s rough. I had been taking Cialis – do you know Dr. Dwyer? – but that’s just been
making everyone uncomfortable around the office.  Plus I keep bruising
my you-know-what whenever I open my desk drawer to get a pencil.  Then I
tried to cut the Cialis with NyQuil, but it made me fall asleep on the
bus.  I woke up with my pants around my ankles and a thank you note from
someone named Rudy.

I await your reply – lives are on the line!

MILWAUKEE, WI – So a pair of Fatty nincompoops, Rings and the Senator, were quietly minding their own business on the terrace of County Claire and enjoying a cool and refreshing fermented beverage, when who should walk by but fellow Fatty and Milwaukee-native son Matt “Rusty” Hilgers on a quest to avoid the workday.
Hilgers was social enough to sit with his idiot brethren for a creamy stout or two before heading off to meet his new bride – a newlywed’s work is never done, of course.
The remainder of the crew managed to find their way over to Miller Park for a ballgame, where both Fielder and Bonds joined our own Jon “Sugar” Lewis in the “did not homer” statistical column.
You can click on the image for a better look.

The following is correspondence from Matt “Rusty” Hilgers to the Fatty front office.

Dear Fatties,
Thank you for your kind wishes (on my wedding) and sorry for the late reply. Things are great. The wedding was terrific and we’re hoping to get the photos back before the coming apocalypse of 2012 (if you could keep that under your hat I’d appreciate it). I wanted to get a good bachelor page out there on my website but none of the photos really panned out, except for the one of Steve Peavler sweeping the kitchen in the house we rented… that guy knows how to make a broom look good.

Do you have Netflix? For you see, on this thing called Netflix, you can select a town and find out what movies they are watching more than other folks across the nation, statistically speaking. For instance, we the mighty tastemakers in Milwaukee are watching:
Milwaukee, Minnesota – the premier vehicle for daydreaming you were a retarded ice fisherman
Melrose Place, Season 1 – the premier vehicle for the talents of Andrew Shue
The Comedians of Comedy – the premier vehicle for unattractive white comedians
Playboy’s The Girls Next Door – the premier vehicle for guys too chicken to rent porn
The Rich Man’s Wife – the premier Halle Berry movie for wishing you had rented Swordfish instead.

What concerns me, regarding my Fat Bastard friends, is the list for the Grand Rapids area:
Miss Congeniality - Who was it who said Sandra Bullock “couldn’t act like she was on fire even if she was, you know, on fire”? Oh right, that was me.
Charmed, Season 6 – I think this is the season where one of the characters turns to the camera and says “seriously guys, we’re not lesbians and we’re not going to be, so if that’s what you’re waiting for you might as well just flip to the blocked channels and look between the blinking lines.”
Ferris Bueller’s Day Off – It’s a shame this movie’s never on cable.
Robin Hood (Disney) – I’m assuming all the Peter Ustinov fans are renting this for his terrific voice work as Prince John.
Gilmore Girls, Season 1 – Oh dear lord.

But it’s not your fault. We can all take great glee in knowing that Paducah, Kentucky (yes, that Paducah, Kentucky) is not nearly the high-falutin’ snobs they make themselves out to be.
Beauty Shop – I just threw up in my mouth
The Five People You Meet in Heaven – I just threw up in Mitch Albom’s mouth
An American Haunting – Donald Sutherland got paid for being in this movie. Nice work there Don!
The Butterfly Effect 2 – this movie was made solely on the basis of Steve‘s letter writing campaign demanding a sequel. Not many people know that.
Garfield: A Tale of Two Kitties – See, I sent in this risqué screenplay about President Garfield but it had a lot of typos. The K should have been a T in the title, for instance. So they spellchecked the word “cat” to replace some other more choice nouns I had used. Now it’s a whole different movie. When they have a fat cat dancing on an Englishman I had something far, far different in mind, I assure you.
So, this holiday season, please join me in brotherhood in telling Paducah, Kentucky that they need to step it up.

Sincerely,
Rusty

PS Please give my best to the all the Fatties and enjoy the lovely holiday fruit basket I sent. If you don’t get it, it’s because I didn’t actually send one.

Our Fatty response:

Dear Rusty-

Ahh…good work, lad, as always. I’m glad to hear that marriage has you, well… blissful, as you lay fingertip to keyboard and share some of your innermost thoughts on…Netflix.

Alas, we, here at Harvard Yards, have yet to subscribe to this lovely service…too much of our hard-earned pesos are obligated to some overdue…>ahem< …VHS tapes from the college years. The bill collectors weren’t all that understanding, but these educational films really were for our 300 level anatomy classes. We have the “INC” on our transcript to prove it…! You’d think – as we arrive at our 15th year college reunion this year – that they’d let bygones be bygones and at least send along the DVD version of whatever those VHS tapes were, but no…we’re still banned from the “Friendly Neighborhood Video” in Kalamazoo. Sheesh. No understanding for your fellow Fatties, I tell you!

Anyway, our contributions cannot be counted among those of our fellow Grand Rapidians on Netflix, although, we’d be very interested to see what our Harvard neighbors have found entertaining…
We suppose our input, in our small neighborhood sample size, would move a few of our favorites up the list in a hurry. Can’t you see it now?

1. “10″ – One never get tired of that wacky Dudley Moore falling down the hill…
2. Looney Toones Golden Collection Volume 2 – We still need to find a bootleg of “Last of the Mohicans” cartoon…”Me smell Mohican burning! Me last Mohican…must be me!”
3. Victor/Victoria – Don’tchya just love those musical numbers with Alex Karras?
4. My Blue Heaven – “You know, you shouldn’t be in the frozen food section.” “Why’s that?” “‘Cause you could melt all this stuff.”

Oh, well. In the meantime, we’ll be out on the front porch making sure to get the fruit basket indoors before anything freezes.

Please give our regards to your lovely bride as we shall pass along yours to our fellow Fatties.

Best,
The Fatties

The following is a guest article by Milwaukee’s own Steve “Cougar” Peavler, with follow up by Matt “Rusty” Hilgers:

The Brewers are holding a 1-0 lead and I feel no confidence whatsoever. Why? Bases loaded, one out, bottom of the ninth. Coors Field. The Brewers have not had a winning season in 13 years. There is a mindset here, a shared consciousness, or lack of confidence, that plagues my hometown team. It’s hype, and it’s well deserved, and everyone buys into it.

In the same way, another team suffers from vicious cycle of failure and perceived ineptitude and…well, failure again. The team – or at least “assembling” – of Peavler and Hilgers is again ranked horribly low in the Fat Bastard Scouting Report. Now, we have had some low rankings before, but this year’s projections are the lowest ever. Last. 24th out of 24. One can’t get much lower than ranking last. Well, I guess that you could rank last AND have to kneel and vow eternal loyalty to King Ringler at the Fat Bastards Award ceremony. That would be lower (I have to remind myself: that was just a nightmare).

Peavler has not hit a home run in three years. Hilgers has been known to display a weariness and wildness on the mound. This year the team faces a ballyhooed new squad from the Land of 10,000 Lakes in the early draw. Rookie-of-the-year propaganda has already begun to surface for Touched by an Uncle, who apparently rock the Midwest plastic scene with another colorful big man – there’re never enough at the FB – and some “Minnesota Moxie.” The Peavler-Hilgers show has run out of jokes. Their team name, Consider the Llama, is more puzzling than EZ’s ill fitting Ocean Pacific Beachwear. At 1-8 lifetime, the “Schlobs from Shlotztown” are no longer cute and funny. They are old and their obscure humor is in bad taste. They still quote lines from Raising Arizona and they toss out poor impersonations of Jack Palance when they get tipsy.

BUT WAIT!…against the surprising Colorado Rockies, in a road game where the Brew Crew has an 18-33 record, new closer Francisco Cordero struck out the final two batters with the bases loaded to preserve a rare 1-0 road victory! It’s already his second save! “So what,” you say? “Our team is World Series bound,” you say? “Your mama is wears LlamaJammas,” I say! “Take this Mench and stick it in your Verlander,” I say!

Nobody expects the new look Brewers – Los Cerveceros – sin El Caballo - to win these days, and hey, they pulled one out. Don’t be surprised when the unlovable Llama, everybody’s favorite ashtray, shocks the Ringler Brain campaign train and breaks an eight game losing streak. Plus, Matt is getting married – to a girl, even – this October…AND we have a second practice scheduled. That has to count for something, right? Stranger things have happened (see the 2006 Tigers), and this August 12 there is one thing I can count on – it will be strange.

Looking forward to it, gentlemen. Let’s hope someone can get me into the VFW again. I don’t have a card and I can’t wait to see what’s on TV.

- Cougar

I salute my teammate for his deft touch of propaganda. As Team Captain I stand by every single thing my erstwhile teammate has said. Not only that, I promoting him to Captain. To keep continuity with chain of command, I am also promoting myself to Kaiser.

- Kaiser Rusty

Little Bits of Wisdom from the lads of Monkey Island

SIGNING UP FOR THE TOURNAMENT:
May 23, 2003: Just wanted to let you know that I am sending you a check today for registration. Please confirm to me when you receive it that our team has a spot. I will also send the following info with it:
Monkey Island Wifflers Roster -
Matt “Buster” Hilgers
Long ball threat
Slow and methodical (pitching and running)
King of the broken heart
Steve “Cougar” Peavler
Speedy fielder
Put the “whiff” in whiffle ball (once struck out in T-Ball)
Loud mouth, louder clothes
The tandem grew up in Milwaukee in the turbulent 1970′s-80′s. A gritty and spirited team, making up for lack of talent with pure style.

RESPONSE TO INVITATION FOR THE GOLF TOURNAMENT:
June 4, 2003: Hey Commissioner,
You can reach me at work or at home. Sorry once again that we won’t be disgracing the golf tourney with our presence, but we are – as Matt put it – currently in training for the Fat Bastard meet (3 Pabst® a day, alternating bottles and cans). If you (Michigan) guys are Pistons fans then I have to congratulate your team on the cold-hearted dismissal of Rick Carlisle. Nothing says “Nice job” like a kick out the door. Guess he can be in the foursome with Marty Morhinweg, Wayne Fontes and Ernie Harwell. How is the wiffle registration coming? We are planning on being there from Friday to Sunday and we will eagerly await our game time once the draw is made. We already plan to protest our game time as being “rigged and unfair” (everybody likes a good conspiracy theory), but we’ll save that until we’re good and drunk Friday night.
Talk to you soon.
Steve

A SHOUT FROM THE PEANUT GALLERY (REGARDING INITIAL RANKING OF 9 TEAMS):
June 17, 2003:
As the less vocal (but taller) half of Monkey Island Whifflers, Inc. I feel I should say something. First of all, nothing good comes out of being sixth – you have to set your beer down just to count that far and that’s not right. Second, being in front of women is no good for any purpose but running from a burning building. Lastly, while I am personally offended by our meager ranking, I understand that we are rookies and must endure ritual hazing and hold nothing against you, the Committee, or the erstwhile organizers of the Fat Bastard. Until we lose – then my Pentagon masters will surely insist you all die.
Warm regards.
Matt

HOW MANY HOTEL ROOMS TO YOU NEED RESERVED?:
June 23, 2003:
I think that I will take just one room (hopefully with 2 beds). Let me know if you need me to call the hotel. If Matt and I have irreconcilable differences, he can sleep in the vending room.

RESPONSE TO MOTIVATIONAL PHOTO OF PAUL LYNDE:
July 14, 2003:
Greetings. I am Sensei Larry from the I-94 Kung Fu/Whiffle Ball Palace of Wonder and Day Care Center. Matt asked me to respond to all emails, phone calls, chain letters and mail order bride deliveries while he is in the cave. I should explain – the cave is a spot reserved for only the most intense concentration. Well, except the men’s room. There’s an Orange Julius next door and it tends to get guys all backloaded, if you know what I’m saying, so the chi focusing is probably a push. Anywho, Matt’s in the cave and I popped down to let him know you “had his back”, so to speak. He appreciates it and says to respond: “Paul Anka.” I’m hoping you know what this means. One time he started going on and on about how Darryl Dawkins stole his chicken wing recipe and we had to get the tranquilizer guns out of the broom closet. So, yeah. That’s it.
Larry
Assistant Sensei, Sinkers and Curves

CONFIRMATION OF ROOM RESERVATION TWO WEEKS BEFORE TOURNAMENT:
July 23, 2003:
I got your message and either Steve or I will reserve the room tonight. You will also be happy to know that at this very moment the MetLife blimp is hovering outside my office window. (Honest) Steve and I will be arriving Friday night to get our sea legs. Does mentioning “Fat Bastard” and “wiffle ball tournament” in quiet, secretive tones get me discounts other places? ‘Cause right now all it gets me is rolled eyes and bitch slaps.

MATT’S RESPONSE TO THE TOURNAMENT SURVEY:
August 13, 2003:
Thanks again for putting on a fantastic tourney.
DEMOGRAPHIC:
1. Age: 33
2. How often do you play? Quite a bit, but not at a high level.
3. League? The Beer Club for Men, but we don’t keep score.
4. Tournaments. Nope.
5. Will I play again? You bet. We may even take the unheard of step of learning to pitch, so you know I’m serious.
FORMAT
1. One Day Format? I like the current format. Plus I’m from out of town, so one day is about all I can fit in.
2. Prefer Bracket, Pool or knockout play? I like the bracket, I just wish I could read. I like pools too but knockouts I’m not fond of because they smart.
4. Was the cost fair? I think you charged too little.
8. Swith-hitting rule? I think you can do away with this rule. The really good players are going to hit no matter what side of the plate – it just penalizes players who aren’t as good as their opponents (I should know).
9 Is one inning enough for each pitcher? How about 5 outs each? Keeps those scorekeepers (who should also be thanked profusely) on their toes.
ATMOSPHERE
1. Allow beer? Under no circumstances should you remove alcohol. I would play even worse if I was feeling pain/emotion/thoughts.
2. How was the Food? The food was good.
3. Music? The music was fine but I just can’t play unless I get a sweet ass polka, you know?
ADMINISTRATION
1. How did you hear about the Tournament? Some drunk sailor couldn’t stop talking about EZ-E at the bus stop so I checked out the web site.
3. Could you find us o.k? Directions, in the age of MapQuest, should no longer be your problem. Just give them your address and tell them to join the 21st freaking century.
4. Did you read the Newsletter? Yeah, Steve not only hogged the newsletter but he didn’t read the rules either. Punk ass.
5. Did you vote for the Awards? I did vote and I cannot believe Chitwood didn’t get best pitcher. Garcia was awesome but Chitwoord was untouchable.
6. Did you keep score? I have to admit I did not keep score and was utterly baffled at the score sheet. Like I said, I can’t read.

Several friendly neighborhood Fat Bastards were asked to comment on their Fat Bastard experience…some of their responses:
How the hell did you discover the Fat Bastards?
“The Moop” - Zanner
“As a lifetime porn aficionado, I spend countless hours plugging obscene phrases into search engines and charging the results on stolen credit cards. Imagine my surprise when one comes back with a wiffle ball site! After spend some time drooling over the photos of a luscious EZ-E, I call my friend Steve “Cougar” Peavler, and his wife drags him out of the bathroom where he was engaged with a copy of Redbook and a tube sock filled with raw liver. He admits that it sounds like “a lark” – because he uses gay ass phrases like this -and off we go.” – Matt “Rusty” Hilgers
“EZ-E” – Bock
“Searching the Internet for wiffle ball tournaments.” – Brian Toth
“My pastor encouraged me to get some exercise once a year while enjoying some good clean wholesome fun…I told him to eat sh*t, and I played in the Fat Bastard instead.” – Sen R. Byrne
“I woke up from a near-fatal corn nuts binge in a Grand Rapids bus station and there they were.” – Steve “Cougar” Peavler

What has been your most memorable moment at Harvard Yards?
“Passing out in the garage…Wait… I don’t remember that, but I’m told it is memorable.” – Bock
“OB doing the worm has been a recurring dream of mine.” - Steve “Cougar” Peavler
“Combining on a no-hitter…despite giving up 14 runs.” - Kevin Hillary
“Sugar admitting he wanted to ‘tea bag’ me.” – O.B.
“Tossing off in the port-a-jon…?” – Sen. R. Byrne
“Selfishly, I would have to say beating Bock is my most memorable, although my first taste of Pimms is also very memorable, yummmm ” - Zanner

Who was your sports hero growing up and why?
“Ted Simmons, Milwaukee Brewers 1980 – 1983. Still the only professional athlete I have no doubt I am faster than.” – Matt “Rusty” Hilgers
“Champ Summers. He had a cool name and a sweet moustache.” – Kevin Hillary
“Bob Probert, I like hockey fights” - Bock
“Pele. Soccer rules.” – Trey

What is the biggest “geek” item that you still have from childhood that you’re embarrassed to tell anyone about?
“I’m not sure….I have a “Grumpy” Care Bear still….” – Zanner
“A Sentry Foods special edition baseball card commemorating Dale Sveum’s “Easter Sunday Miracle” for the Milwaukee Brewers in 1987.” – Steve “Cougar” Peavler
“I still have all my Star Wars toys: the figures, the Millenium Falcon, the Death Star, you name it.” – O.B.
“I have, framed in my home, a copy of Marvel Comics Son of Satan #1 – still the only comic book to feature the Antichrist as a superhero.” – Matt “Rusty” Hilgers
“Hmm…probably my Dukes of Hazard matchbox cars.” - Jimmy “Chitwood” Galvan
“My brother still has a Barbie Doll.” – Kevin “Bacon” Stackpoole

What would be your Fat Bastard beverage of choice?
“Can of Black Label with O.B.” – Bock
“Can of Black Label with Bock.” – O.B.
“Champagne in celebration of the 2004 Fat Bastard Championship!” - Sen. R. Byrne
“What was that concoction that EZ made? Pibshnizzle? Pizzle? Pim’s? A rusty nail? Whatever that was – that was it.” – Steve “Cougar” Peavler
“None of that Pimm’s business, I assure you. Cucumbers? What?!?” – Matt “Rusty” Hilgers

Newbies Hilgers and Peavler, of the Commodore 64′s Monkey Island Wifflers indicate that Paul Anka will be checking in with them under their hotel psuedonym “Manny Cockburns.”
“Mr. Anka will be our escort as we don’t want any groupies! We saw what happened to Kobe,” states Peavler.