Hal Keeps Pace; Prostate and Big Ray in the Bag by noon.
HARVARD – “ A big thanks to our scoring crew this year, Hal “Pops” Ringler, Joe “Prostate” Rogers, and “Big” Ray Kochenauer, who helped out to varying degrees of success in an attempt to keep a better scorebook for this year’s tournament. With a little luck, we might be able to figure out what they wrote by the holidays!

…to Have Been at the 2003 Fatty!
10. Kelley-Kelley, Houghton, Zanner, Red and Jansma
9. Sugar has won! Sugar has won! (Kind of like France, you don’t hear that every day)
8. Joe Prostate kept his pants on
7. Jimmy Chitwood enjoyed a cool and refreshing beverage.
6. Those nice boys from Calvin kicked ass
5. Because the Moop has secured the perimeter
4. If you were stranded on Pelee Island or Monkee Island, at least there’d be beer.
3. O.B, O.B, O.B.
2. To get a ride in a Hummer
1. FINAL SCORE: Pussy Galore 8 – Jesus Helps Me Trick People 7 (6 Innings)

In pleasant news, Joe Prostate reportedly has golfed an entire 18 holes and kept his pants on for the complete round. For those playing partners who have not been so fortunate, this is welcome news.

“I’m so happy, it damn-near moved!”
FOREST HILLS – Lovable curmudgeon, Joe Prostate, has recently learned to spell his own name, along with the letters to “STEELERS” and “FLACCID” according to longtime friend, Big Ray.
He’s really coming along nicely and it’s been a big help with his grandson, Evan, learning new words at the same time,” states Ray.
Joe blames muchof his previous problems with actual words and letters on “that f*in’ Ringler.”
“Ever since he pulled out the ‘Otto Graham’ question on the Stupid Bowl Quiz back in ’98, I haven’t been able to concentrate on my studies. And then he goes and comes up with ‘Vida Blue’ a few weeks ago for the last AL MVP switch-hitter…I just don’t have time to sit around and bullsh*t all day!”

10. EZ-E throws a tantrum
9. We’ll love Sugar, even if he never makes it back.
8. Garcia homers off EZ-E. Pirates still lose.
7. Baxter’s diet fails.
6. G.L.O.W. wins one.
5. Kelley-Kelley throws the first pitch.
4. The return of Joe Prostate.
3. More O.B.
2. We’ll bring home some hardware (many close calls in ’02, but no top prizes).
1. The Fat Bastard remains the greatest tournament in the sport. (Named “best tournament” of 2002 by GLWA & WiffleHouse)