COMSTOCK PARK – “299 Bottles of Beer on the wall, 299 Bottles of beer...”

With that, a few Fatties were off to explore the fabulous world of Michigan beer in the Michigan Brew Brewers Guild Winter Beer Festival, located in the parking lot behind centerfield at the West Michigan Whitecaps’ Fifth Third Park.
Unlike the horrific movie of the same name, this event featured an amazing array of tasty and innovative brews from among the seventy plus breweries occupying the Great Lakes State. Click here for a LIST and the full program.
Among the sold out crowd of 4000, was OB, Rings, T-Wille, and Mav. Larry Legend was unable to make it at the last minute.
Among the highlights, Blue Tractor had a surprisingly strong lineup and a dynamite “Schokolade Weizen,” Bells Brewery released samples of “Batch 9000″ and “Black Note Bourbon Barrell Aged Stout,” Sherwood Brewing had an incredibly interesting “Gunpowder IPA,” Darkhorse Brewing featured a wide and varied selection of brews, including a “Donut Beer,” and Frankemuth Brewery had reawakened with a few classic German brews.

“Everyone pick out a song. Jose have me a dollar for the jukebox.”

- O.B.

FRASER, MI — A game of Monopoly has landed a Michigan man in jail.

WDIV-TV (Channel 4) reports the 37-year-old Fraser man, Jeff “O.B.” O’Bryan, was playing the board game Saturday night with a female friend when he tried to buy Park Place and Boardwalk from her.

When she refused, Fraser police Lt. Dan Kolke tells WWJ-AM (950) he hit her in the head, breaking her glasses.

The man was arrested and charged with misdemeanor assault and battery.

The following is a shout out from Ron “Don’t Call me” Francis:

I hear that everyone’s Little Buddy, O.B., now has his very own website!

LINK

 Thanks to Ron!

GRAND RAPIDS – Unconfirmed media reports out of Grand Rapids, indicate
that Hall of Famer Jeff “OB” O’Bryan may be nearing a
 three-year contract deal with Hair Club for Men as their new spokesman, as these “before” and “after” photos indicate.

For more information regarding their fine products, be sure to visit their website www.hairclub.com.

GRAND RAPIDS – Fatty Hall of Famer, Jeff “O.B.” O’Bryan had apparently received word that his draft number has been called. A shocked O.B., was initially very concerned, upon contacting the front offices at Harvard Yards.

“I was starting to think I should’ve burned my card with the rest of the hippies, back when I registered,” said O’Bryan. As the father of two beautiful little girls, he was understandably concerned as to how this news would affect his family and his job as a crackerjack executive with a local firm.

Everyone was greatly relieved, however, to learn that Little Buddy had not been drafted by Uncle Sam, however, but that his notice was regarding an officer’s post with a local Kevin Costner fan club. Apparently, another club officer was attempting to reached him to guage his interest in selling some film cells from Costner’s new bomb…err, movie, The New Daughter, from his extensive collection of memorabilia.

“Whew,” whispered a relieved O.B. “Anyone want a PBR?”

The following is a Shout Out by Jeff “O.B.” O’Bryan:

 “…..I’m glad you won’t see or hear me, as I fiddle about…” – Roger Daltry

Oh, Eric!! Like a normal election year, when the big event draws near, the dirt and embarrassing photos come out. This little gem fell into my hands most innocently from a fellow Fatty.

Just look at this photo! That sneer, those glaring, scheming eyes and the double maraschino cherry speared with a little plastic sword place you directly in the Center Square. I’m pretty sure Paul Lynde is feeling nervous, even from the grave. In fact, I’ll bet this even made Rip Taylor blush!

This may explain a few things. EZ always seems to play the role of Fatty Ambassador and takes the newbies under his wing. We’ve seen him develop a special relationship over the years with Jimmy “Clay” Galvan. We’ve never questioned it, but upon reflection I’ve heard Eric marvel more than once at the power Chitwood’s arm generates despite his lithe, boyish frame. For shame Jimmy! We shouldn’t have believed your excuses for the “GAYLoVN’” license plate.

In fact, I’m convinced The Crabs didn’t quit last year because they couldn’t take the harassment. No! They fled because they finally remembered where they had seen EZ’s face: on all those warning posters in 10th grade Health class.

Watch out, Minnesota! He’s been trying to buddy up to you guys for two years now! In year three, he slips you some Pimms and makes his move. Sure, he’ll sweet talk you, compliment you on your game, boost your ego…and the next thing you know – you wake up naked in the neighboring field with a bad hangover and a guilty conscience and the above face as a greeting! Don’t let it happen to you too.

Just remember, before you let your teammate, friend or even a stranger walk away with EZ in the afterglow of The Fatty, ask yourself this one thing:

“Do you think it’s alright to leave the boy with Uncle Eric?
Do you think it’s alright; He’s had a few too many!”

Looking out for the innocent and naïve,
O’B

Bull Durham is 20 years old, a fact that should make people of a certain age check for the sudden onset of liver spots. To celebrate, a “Collector’s Edition” DVD goes on sale Tuesday, the third release of the film on disc. It contains the usual commentaries and extras, but unfortunately, doesn’t address how anachronistic the movie has become in the ensuing two decades. Here then, a plot for a new, more realistic “Bull Durham: 21st Century Edition.”

We meet prize rookie Ebby Calvin “Nuke” LaLoosh before his first minor league start with the Durham Bulls. Nuke signed a huge contract after 20 teams passed on him in the amateur draft because his agent is Scott “Bore-*ss” Richards. Richards is steamed that his client isn’t with the parent club immediately out of spring training, but nevertheless has secured a girl for Nuke to help him relax before his first game. But manager Scott Byrne kiboshes the shenanigans, telling Nuke to hit the field. Richards then cautions Byrne not to mess with his meal ticket, or he will have local anti-chewing tobacco groups hammer ”The Colonel“ about his habit.

Nuke strikes out 18, walks 18, and hits the mascot in a memorable performance that immediately becomes a YouTube classic. After the game, Byrne sits through a conference call with the parent club’s GM and director of scouting, who berate the manager for allowing LaLoosh to exceed his strict pitch count. Byrne hangs up, and grumbles to pitching coach Rob Byrne about “the worst part of a manager’s job — dealing with know-nothing colleague, like Ringler.” Sen. Bryne replies that it beats “selling cheap commercials at the TV station.” Nuke appears afterward on dozens of radio and television shows, feeding the worry of the big club that Nuke might be out of control.

Enter savvy veteran OB Davis (Little Buddy), having been acquired by the Bulls for the express purpose of babysitting Nuke. OB introduces himself to Nuke by picking a fight with him outside a local bar. Nuke misses OB with a thrown ball, and is dropped by a single punch. In response, Nuke‘s posse of 10 hometown hangers-on, the “Meat Puppets,” pummel Davis, putting him on the disabled list for 15 days. The Bulls announce the injury as “back spasms.” Despite his bruised state, Crash, ever the professional, gets together with Nuke, and over a few beers, counsels him on reality — the fact that an aging OB punched him out proves that Nuke needs to put on some muscle, and fast. OB tells Nuke about the wonders of HGH, and introduces him to The Moop, a former minor leaguer (who hit .371 at Louisville) turned Durham pool hall operator who can hook up LaLoosh with the drugs without any hassles.

The two players meet Annie Savoy, an aging groupie who hooks up with a single player over the course of a baseball season. OB declines a relationship, noting that he believes in “guaranteed contracts, no-trade clauses, performance-based incentives, corked bats, at least three Red Bulls before batting practice, protein shakes in the postgame spread, Constitutional amendments outlawing day-night doubleheaders and mandatory autograph sessions, and that the novels of J.K. Rowling are self-indulgent, overrated crap. Also, long, slow, deep, soft, wet kisses that last three days.” But he doesn’t believe in dating Annie. Nuke feels otherwise, so long as Annie signs a waiver that forfeits any rights to Nuke‘s fortune should the two conceive a child during their time together. The two engage in a torrid affair, replete with cross-dressing and bondage.

Meanwhile, another groupie, Millie, makes the rounds of the Bulls, but seems less interested in the sex than in picking up inside information for her AL-only keeper fantasy league. Her team, Wealldeservetowearwhite, has won her 5×5 league three consecutive seasons, thanks to “tips” she has received from players throughout the Carolina League. She accepts a proposal of marriage from Sugar the second baseman, and the couple register at Crate & Barrel. She returns one gift: the candlesticks.

Thanks to Annie‘s ministrations and OBs pharmacological “guidance,” Nuke leaps from A-ball to The Show by midseason. Richards immediately negotiates several endorsement deals for Nuke, including one for a line of hair products, aimed at helping others with “million-dollar arms and five-cent heads.” However, Nuke‘s reliance on clichés sours his relationship with the local media, who trash him relentlessly. In response, LaLoosh starts his own Web site, TheMeltdown.com, in which he blogs about the game and his love of karaoke, because with it “you can’t get the words wrong.”

The Bulls’ marketing department receives a call from an obsessive fan and sabermetrician who informs them that OB is about to break the minor league record for career home runs. The team, despite Davis‘ protestations, alerts the media, who descend on Durham to catalogue the moment. Before he gets another at-bat, however, OB is contacted by the parent club. Seems they have just hired a new GM, one who believes in the “Church of Moneyball.” Davis is now prized for his discipline at the plate and high OPS. OB is called up to the bigs for another shot, becoming teammates once again with Nuke, who requests that OB bring a supply of HGH with him to the majors.

OB informs Annie of his new career move. To his surprise, Annie reveals that photos of her cavorting with Nuke have become an Internet sensation, thanks to several influential sports blogs. As a result of the hubbub, Annie has received an offer to pose for Playboy and another to write a weekly online column for Baseball America about minor league groupiedom and the positive effects of garter belts on pitching prospects. As such, Annie has quit her job at Alamance Junior College, and is moving from her ramshackle house into a WiFi-equipped condo in Raleigh.

Fade to black. Talk about a Hollywood ending.

Stolen from Robert Weintraub, who is a contributor to ESPN.com

The following is from crack free lance reporter, Trey “The Bookie” Sumner:

GRAND RAPIDS – Legendary wiffler and hall-of-famer, Jeff “O.B.” O’Bryan was detained for questioning by the Kent County Police over the weekend after his home was raided late Friday night. Police claim Little Buddy’s residence has been under surveillance for weeks and that he is considered to be a major player in a quickly growing ring of underground “kitten fighting clubs.”

Details are sketchy at this time and police are not releasing any information until all the facts are in. Fellow Fatties Moop, Trey and EZ were on the scene when the raid occured but were quickly released when they explained that they had only stopped by a few minutes earlier to invite O.B. to join them for a prayer breakfast and to read Bible stories to the blind children at the orphanage, and that the only reason they had betting slips in their pockets was because they took them to keep other people from betting.

“If stealing these saves even one kitten then go ahead and label me a thief!” proclaimed a teary eyed Moop.

Witnesses also stated that Trey and EZ were genuinely confused and had to have the police explain to them what “gambling” was multiple times before they even understood what they were being questioned about.

We will keep you updated as details are released.

“Blah, blah, blah”

- O.B., babbling about something.

“How about a shot, O.B?”

- EZ-E, seeking a respite from the subject at hand.

“Absolut – NO!!”

- O.B., forgetting himself for a moment.