GRAND RAPIDS – Happy Anniversary, EZ!

“Just because you can do it, doesn’t mean you should, I mean look at Paris Hilton.”
- Eric “EZ-E” Albertson, referencing the Mega-Tart in a sentence at work during an actual business conversation.

The following is a Shout Out by Jeff “O.B.” O’Bryan:

 “…..I’m glad you won’t see or hear me, as I fiddle about…” – Roger Daltry

Oh, Eric!! Like a normal election year, when the big event draws near, the dirt and embarrassing photos come out. This little gem fell into my hands most innocently from a fellow Fatty.

Just look at this photo! That sneer, those glaring, scheming eyes and the double maraschino cherry speared with a little plastic sword place you directly in the Center Square. I’m pretty sure Paul Lynde is feeling nervous, even from the grave. In fact, I’ll bet this even made Rip Taylor blush!

This may explain a few things. EZ always seems to play the role of Fatty Ambassador and takes the newbies under his wing. We’ve seen him develop a special relationship over the years with Jimmy “Clay” Galvan. We’ve never questioned it, but upon reflection I’ve heard Eric marvel more than once at the power Chitwood’s arm generates despite his lithe, boyish frame. For shame Jimmy! We shouldn’t have believed your excuses for the “GAYLoVN’” license plate.

In fact, I’m convinced The Crabs didn’t quit last year because they couldn’t take the harassment. No! They fled because they finally remembered where they had seen EZ’s face: on all those warning posters in 10th grade Health class.

Watch out, Minnesota! He’s been trying to buddy up to you guys for two years now! In year three, he slips you some Pimms and makes his move. Sure, he’ll sweet talk you, compliment you on your game, boost your ego…and the next thing you know – you wake up naked in the neighboring field with a bad hangover and a guilty conscience and the above face as a greeting! Don’t let it happen to you too.

Just remember, before you let your teammate, friend or even a stranger walk away with EZ in the afterglow of The Fatty, ask yourself this one thing:

“Do you think it’s alright to leave the boy with Uncle Eric?
Do you think it’s alright; He’s had a few too many!”

Looking out for the innocent and naïve,
O’B

The following is a guest shout out from Eric “EZ-E” Albertson:

I have been hearing much ballyhooing from several people about the ranking of the teams this year. Most of it comes from O.B., who seems to have an unnatural obsession for Hans and Larry. Maybe we should rename OB “The Mini-Larry”…?

I thought I’d take a proper poke at the pre-tourney rankings, especially now that we know the pairings. And who doesn’t want me to take a proper poke at them? Mmmm?

I’ll leave the “Magic Can Of Duff Is Rigged” rant to Mr. Peavler, who has a long and storied tradition of writing on the subject. And so, we now come to EZ’s “Post Draw Tournament Rankings:”
***
(1) Neverland Ranch. Ringler was right to pick a double vowel Dutch Team as number one. The problem is: he picked the wrong one. I expect great things from Breen, but Braat will be taking home the hardware again. I have nothing but admiration for this team. They took endless heckling from a rather raucous – not to mention LOADED – crowd on their way to winning their first title two years ago. There should be an instructional video for new teams on how to handle the F’n Ringler Field (Red Field) pressure after two in the afternoon. This video ought to be nothing more than the Championship Game the Braaters endured. Had the Crabs seen how the Braaters handled the heckling they might have avoided tucking tail and running home to their Xbox last year. The Braats came last year with the motto that they were here for “fun” and how far they went didn’t really matter. One could argue, I being chief among them, that no one had more fun than Brian Braat last year. (Well, except for those Minnesota Idiots but really that was more Caligula than fun.) Braats have an easier draw including a bye round if they can win their first couple. They did draw a wild card in a Minnesota Team as their first round game, which means there is a chance that Minnesota might have a BAC below .29 in the first game, and that could lead to an upset. Otherwise, I see the Braaters as being pumped up after taking an “off year”. We can all look forward to Brian’s Rickey Henderson-esque “I am the greatest” post Fatty email…

(2) Licky Boom Boom Down. Great name. “Hey Snow, I heard five-o was lookin’ for you the other day. Word? Word.”— These guys, like the Braaters above, play the game right. They are always seen with an adult beverage in their hand and never say “no” to a hit from the Pimms pitcher. Couple that with tremendous hitting, some blazing fastballs, and the stamina of youth and you have a team that remains right at the top… For all the hub-hub of a Byrne/Hillary match-up in the first round, these guys play “Gonnaherpa-awful-team-name” on the green field at the same time as the Byrne/Hillary bash. “Gonnahumpa-llama” is comprised of young players who can REALLY hit and throw. Question is can they throw strikes? This game is quietly the best of the first round. If Licky wins here they are poised for a deep run in the winner’s bracket…

(3) We Just Have A Wide Stance. I’ve been picking these guys to make a run for years. This year, they have lost Richards and have the benefit of having had several years experience at The Fatty. In college there was never a better beer league softball or basketball player than Gary Branch. Without having to match UKR beer for beer this year (something NOT recommended unless you want your liver to abdicate it’s position in your sternum), the cousins might be sober enough to get a head of steam going. All they have to do is throw strikes against the Chatty-Cathy-Take-Monkeys (Moop/Trey) and they will be in the quarter finals.

(4) Baxter’s Rocket Has Landed on Uranus. No Chitwood. Still Chicago. They’ll be tough, but they are in The Group Of Death with Minnesota, Hooray Beer, and a new tough Allegan team. One of those four will be in the Baxter Bowl. I’m guessing it won’t be the “Bulldog” Eric King, Keith Hernandez or Lonnie.

(5) Sexy Keepers of the Keys and Grounds. I saw enough of Kalamazoo’s pitching at the Winter Fiasco to know these guys need to be ranked high. They have a potential game 2 against Moop and Trey. Throw strikes, lads. Throw strikes. However, don’t over look Larry and Hans, because in the end, old age and treachery will defeat youth and vigor.

(6) Butt Cracks & Plungers. Never count out the Hillarys. Never. They do have a tough bracket though, and we aren’t sure how Pat’s arm rehab is going. Timely hitting, excellent fielding, and real solid pitching means these guys get rated no lower than 6th.

(7) Cup Of Soup. Rumor has it these Allegan wifflers are young and play regularly. A word of advice: beware of pretty women dispensing drinks at the Ice Cream Social…they have been the downfall to many a high ranked team. Also a member of The Group Of Death with Chicago, Hooray Beer, and Minnesota. Otherwise, they might be ranked higher.

(8) Fingers Sexson Pujols. This team won’t sleep for 48 hours. That’s a tough saddle to wear in order to make a run. Their first game is against Ringler and myself. We are determining who is home by a beer shotgun race. Yeah, there won’t be much sobriety after this game…

(9) Hooray Beer! Ringler and I. We did well last year. Forget it this year. We play Minney first then we play either Chicago or the Allegan team. I will be in sandals and drinking Pimms by 1. And that’s why the Fatty is so great. That actually sounds better than making a long run.

(10) Sneaky Beaners. Wow. Hilarious name. Beware Lloyd’s dead pull bat, AG’s Homeruns, and the filthy stuff The Kid dishes from the mound. Pity he can’t throw at Chitwood this year. Thanks to playing the 28th ranked team first, you will see a good second round game between this squad and the winner of the Byrne/Hillary game.

(11) Dibs! Minney Team #2. Forced to play sober this would be a team to be reckoned with. However, I’ve seen these guys in action. Prodigious liver abuse is the rule here. And they heckle second to none. The problem is that 90% of their heckling is directed at themselves and the other Minnesota team.

(12) You Took The Candy, Now Get In The Van. Wow… But funny. This team and its “Take Monkey” gimmick are about as fresh as the boxers I wore mowing the lawn yesterday. Save for their “Sweep the leg, Johnny” and “No Mercy” 45-0 win over the girls team in the first game, they will quickly be overcome as the teams they play will be throwing strikes. Sorry Chatty-Kathys, you will need to actually play this year. 2-2 and done. Pass Moop the gas can of Pimms.

(13) Thank You Sir, May I Have Another. The Byrnes. Always a tough game for any who play them. Craftier than Arab salt traders and yet they have more hard luck loses than can be believed. Another tough draw makes for a large mountain to climb. Edmund Hillary and Tenzing Norgay they aren’t.

(14) Bushwhackers. Solid team. Solid play. Solid beer consumption. Hence, my pick for them at the middle of the pack. A quasi favorable draft gives room for a show down with a “Group Of Death” team in the middle of the day….

(15) There Are Plenty Of Mohicans. Have you seen Dut’s Turkey? Yeah? Well, he is on pace to win another. Dut is the funniest man in attendance at the Fatty every year. No doubt about it in my mind.

(16) Pushing Our Luck. A classic case of just good enough to avoid the Baxter Bowl and just a bad enough draw to make a long run problematic.

(17) Gonna-need-a-new-team-name. The true wild card of this event. Russo is a phenomenal softball player: lights-freaking-out. Schultzy and Ryan hit a ton. But there is near z-e-r-o wiffle experience here. Picking this team in the middle is silly. They are either top 7 or bottom 7. Time and beer will tell.

(18) Pinch The Hitter. Hans, Larry, and some mysterious “Gimp”. My guess is that it’s Larry’s brother Pat, who may or may not be able to play due to the pending arrival of his first born. These dandies will surprise you. Don’t take them lightly…. But having K-zoo as their first game is a bitch.

(19) Sugar’s Coastie Pride Festival. New comer Jack Judas and Smokin’ Jose. Jack hasn’t played before, but has the tools. There is nothing that Jose doesn’t do well, except order pizza. These guys should be ranked higher, but something tells me they will never fail to fail. It’s the easiest thing to do.

(20) Geriatric Crew. Truly a great crew who were a riot last year. Tons of heart. Sage and crafty leadership…just ask how that worked out for the ’06 Tigers. ”Rookie of the Year” teams here tend to sink a bit their second time around, however. I’m talking Gordon Lightfoot writes a song about your type of sinking…

(21) I Hope Eric Is Brushing His Teeth. OB and The Big ‘Un. These guys had made strides over time, but Andy will be looking at a target other than the strike zone with his new girlfriend in tow and Little Buddy is down to 2 working vertebrae. Even this ranking is too high.

(22) Rusty’s Trombone. The Milwaukee dingbats may or may not be clothed, but don’t take them lightly. Steady improvement has been the rule. But a tough first game and a second round doosie against the Braaters makes for a tough draw. But hey, Prince Fielder has two inside the park home runs. Through wiffle all things are possible.

(23) Pants For Peavler. Scott and Ron have lulled many into thinking they now play straight up. But not me. These two Exxon Valdez-style tankers will lose their first two to ensure their passage from Putrid Sound into The Baxter Bowl.

(24) Oh Pickles. There is some wiffle talent here. But the desire isn’t there. “Cocktail Party” Rudy hasn’t yet met the person he doesn’t want to share at least one beer with. Somehow this name is really quite funny. I just don’t know why.

(25) Drunk Again & Lookin’ 2 Score. Another great name effort from the ladies. They will need plenty of “wax-on wax-off” to survive their first round Cobra Chai match up. After that, for anyone playing them who hasn’t yet: watch out for Zanner. She is better than 75% of the players here and top 5 in fielding.

(26) Pocket Rockets. Jughead’s squad. Jughead, for crying out loud! I tried to “gorilla math” my way into ranking them 38th.

(27) Donkey Punch. The only reason the Pocket Rocket is ranked ahead of Merlo’s team is that I am laying even money that Merlo is a no-show, given his Fantasy Baseball participation this year…

(28) Buttermaker’s Beaver. Wyman, Richards, and Cheri. Poor Cheri… I know her to be a good athlete. How’d she wind up in this team? Truck called Wyman “The Worst Wiffler Ever”. At the time, that might have been true. And without Sugar here, it might still be. Yet, I know he has been practicing, so the lanky southpaw may just surprise us. But until then, join Matt Millen in the celler..

There it is. My call is the Braats vs. the Breen team in the finals. I like Fingers Sexson Pujols over Pants For Peavler in the Baxter Bowl.

And we are 30 days out!

EZ-E.

Agenda for the first 2008 Committee Meeting, chaired by EZ:

Our first Bar Committee Meeting will be held at Logan’s Alley this weekend.

We will need a recording secretary to keep the minutes. I nominate you. Bitch.

Agenda:

1) Beers.
    A) Order a second round of beers.
2) Bad mouth Ringler
   A) A lot
3) More Beers
   A) Discuss the possibility of shots
4) Talk about some bar or something.
   A) It has something to do with wiffleball
5) Yes, honey I will be home soon
   A) Man, she calls a lot
6) What shall we serve at the Fat Bastard?
   A) I’m thinking Boone’s Farm.
7) Ok, one last beer
   A) and some wings.
8 ) Get Jose to finance it, that guy never pays his fines.
   A) Ok, we’ll just take up a collection.
   B) let’s get expensive brand empty bottles and put cheap liquor in it, no one has ever thought of that before.
9) Unusual drinking vessels
   A) You know that gas can wasn’t a bad idea 
   B) what about a Gilligan’s Island native head hunter bowl?
   C) I know, we’ll drink out of a bra.
   D) Good idea, Moop
10) Meeting adjouned.

There, now, who’s up for a song about fighting and drinking then?

The following is from crack free lance reporter, Trey “The Bookie” Sumner:

GRAND RAPIDS – Legendary wiffler and hall-of-famer, Jeff “O.B.” O’Bryan was detained for questioning by the Kent County Police over the weekend after his home was raided late Friday night. Police claim Little Buddy’s residence has been under surveillance for weeks and that he is considered to be a major player in a quickly growing ring of underground “kitten fighting clubs.”

Details are sketchy at this time and police are not releasing any information until all the facts are in. Fellow Fatties Moop, Trey and EZ were on the scene when the raid occured but were quickly released when they explained that they had only stopped by a few minutes earlier to invite O.B. to join them for a prayer breakfast and to read Bible stories to the blind children at the orphanage, and that the only reason they had betting slips in their pockets was because they took them to keep other people from betting.

“If stealing these saves even one kitten then go ahead and label me a thief!” proclaimed a teary eyed Moop.

Witnesses also stated that Trey and EZ were genuinely confused and had to have the police explain to them what “gambling” was multiple times before they even understood what they were being questioned about.

We will keep you updated as details are released.

“Noli Nothis Permittere te Terere”

- Eric “EZ-E” Albertson

“I want to know which one of you complete $%^&#@$ signed me up for ‘Larry The Cable Guys mobil alert list’… I am now getting “git ur done” texts sent to my phone…One of you sons of #@&%*$ is jeopardizing your own life with this ‘joke’… There is ‘picking on Eric’ and then there is this type of crime… When I find out who did this…. Jackie Gleason said it best ‘I’m going to barbeque your a** in molasses!’”

- EZ-E, who apparently, isn’t fond of Larry.

GRAND RAPIDS – With the success of Jeff “O.B.” O’Bryan’s sequel to Dances With Wolves, the Fatty Press has learned of another upcoming remake of an Acadamy Award winning film, this time with noted thespian Eric “EZ-E” Albertson on board!

While O.B.’s movie career is just now reaching its zenith, long-time Fatties have been well aware of EZ’s reputation for a strong casting couch performance.

“I just knew, as we were going through the casting process after Heath Ledger’s unfortunate passing, that it was magical,” explained O.B. “This just felt right.”

We’ll look forward to the upcoming picture’s release and premier and we’ll hope to bring you photos of their gowns on the red carpet. Best of luck, boys, and break a leg!