BLAND RAPIDS – EZ-E and the S.A.L. Post 258 put on a fund-raising Texas Hold ‘Em tournament to benefit the “Le B.S.” this past weekend at the Sazerac Lounge. 44 card sharks, including 12 of your friendly, neighborhood Fatties (who either played or helped organize) participated for the chance to claim boatloads of fabulous cash and prizes.
Some guy named Jim won the main event, but the final table, pictured here, included the lovely and the talented Kelley-Kelley! She was not only the final female in the running, but the final Fatty as well…and she managed to dress up the table a bit before bowing out when her pocket pair was bested by a flush-draw on the river card.
Thanks to all who participated – especially The Colonel and Red for their help – and congratulations to the final table participants!
(Click on the photo to open a little slide show of the final table.)

“It’s like wearing little puppies on your feet, EZ”

- Shelly “The Devil” Urbane, while she and Red were desperately trying to explain furry UGG boots to the shoe-impared EZ-E.

GRAND RAPIDS – A motley crew of Fatties were on hand for the traditional re-telling of the holiday classic, Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer with Burl Ives as your host. EZ -E and Rings were joined by That Little Firlik, Red and Humvee among others as they soaked their way through the annual retelling at the new Sazerac Lounge, due to an “official” event – read: respectable – at their normal observation tower, Logan’s Alley.
As these images can attest, the event may have become a bit squirrely by the latter half of the broadcast, but Mav, our fair proprietor and host for the evening, managed to keep a lid on the revelry and saved himself at least a few barrels of cheer for later guests of the evening.

CUTLERVILLE – Jen “Jansma” Sumner has regrouped following the forced split with last year’s teammate, Red.
“We’ve got a whole new collection of wiffle ladies,” stated Jen, “who are tickled to be taking on the Fat Bastard Challenge”
According to their registration, Jansma will be accompanied by Stephanie “Mini” Cooper, Kari “Snake Eyes” Engen and Liz “Do Me a” Faber.
“Just wait ’til you see the new talent!”

GRAND RAPIDS – In a shocking development, ’03 rookie, Tracey “Red” Walker, will reportedly have to miss the 2004 Fat Bastard as she will accompany boyfriend Joe “Humvee” Moch to an auto race in Monterrey the second week in August.
“It’s a huge disappointment, of course, as J1 (Joe) and J2 (Joe’s son) were planning on playing this year also,” lamented Walker, “but he can’t miss this race…and you know how he is about his driving!”

CEDAR SPRINGS – The second annual Mad Scramble is now in the books – with a familiar team atop the leader board. 36 hackers invaded the grounds of Cedar Chase to beat the heck out of the course, look for lost balls, and avoid EZ’s shorts.
Despite the best efforts of the Albertson boys to distract them, the Byrne brothers, Col. Scott and Sen. Rob, defended their title as the best duffers out there, posting a two stroke under par tally. They also managed to accumulate the largest tab of the season at the Harvard Tavern.
High score of 102 (in scramble play?!?) went to Bock & Humvee, playing in the training wheels division. Scotty “Bubba” Leuchtman took home the honors for longest drive with a wiffle golf ball, while Bev “Eligible” Fisher and The Colonel were longest with a real one. Humvee made the longest putt and Jose was closest to the pin.
Congratulations and thanks to everyone who participated.

SAN FRANCISCO – Word has reached Fat Bastard Front Offices of an apparent incident involving Speed Racer Joe “Humvee” Moch. According to reports, Humvee has managed to drive a car throught the front wall of a restaurant in this trendy city on the West Coast.
“He’s been involved in Formula One and other racing for years,” stated biggest fan, Red, “I’m not sure exactly what happened.”
Humvee was unavailable for comment, but several Fatties recounted their joyride in Trey’s Hummer at last year’s Fatty. “He was nuts…pretty much just drove as fast as the thing would move,” recalled the Big ‘Un. “I ain’t ridin’ with him again.”
There were no injuries reported in this incedent and Humvee is expected to participate in this year’s Fatty along with J2.

GRAND RAPIDS – Loveable leprechaun Bock was recently forced to “master his domain” and remain “lord of his castle” following a recent illness.
As many Fat Bastard fans may know, Bockasaurus was recently stricken with appendicitis while flying thirty thousand feet over Houston on the way back from a week’s debauch in Puerto Vallerta with fellow Fatties EZ-E, Red, and Hans. Fortunately, Bock was able to receive medical attention in plenty of time to avoid any serious health consequences. However, as a result of his previous “lifestyle,” and his delay in receiving medical care, he was caused a much longer recovery time including a weeks’ stay in the hospital.
“The waiting was the hardest part,” recalls Bock.
Bock is referring to his forced self-celibacy. As a result of his illness, and under a doctor’s order, he had to keep his hands tied up in a pair of idiot mittens (the kind with a string between them) as a sort of self-control straight jacket, for well over two weeks.
“I understand how tough that must have been,” lemented partner-in-crime EZ-E, “that stuff gets like poison, sometimes you gotta get it out of ya.”
Bock is happy to report that since this time, things are back to normal and he has been able to reassume his daily routines, “That was the worst 17 days since being locked in my gym locker in junior high.”

Speculation Abounds after Infamous “Black Turtleneck” Hears Taps
GRAND RAPIDS – In a statement by his publicist, Wiffle Legend Eric “EZ-E” Albertson has retired his Black Turtleneck, standard discount store issue circa 1989. In a public statement, EZ-E Albertson stated:
“Friends and Followers of Eric’s Black Turtleneck: I have rather sad news to report…Eric’s famous Black Turtleneck shirt is no more. This tried and true garment has seen the Old Boys’ campaigns for many a year.
Originally stolen from Andy‘s closet while we were still living with (family patriarch) Danny at the famous Normandy Street location…The turtleneck served at the following Ports of Call: CMU (5 years), Mackinac Island (3 summers), Caledonia, The White Ghetto, Shit-tau Lafayette, Wellington (with Mitchell and Falicki), The Cottage, Cannonsburg, Plainfield (with Ringler and assorted guests -and no, that chick wasn’t THAT bad after Alice Cooper…she was WORSE), Sherman Ave (with Hans – and what a strange trip that was), Fleet Street (with Red), and finally for a brief stint at my current address (whereabouts unknown).
As the years went by, I noticed a larger and larger following of The Black Turtleneck.
I am sad to report its demise finally happened this last week in Vegas. The Turtleneck, relegated in recent years to Thanksgiving, Christmas, and emergency turban uses, finally “went all in” in that great Hold ‘Em tournament in the sky. It was “buried at sea” and left with a full tequila shot salute on the Vegas Strip.
Other stalwart work done by this remarkable, and stolen shirt included:
> Seeing me strike out with the Ice Queen in Toronto – after paying for her entire trip to see Phantom of the Opera
> Over 500 hours of Civic Theatre backstage work (not to mention rehearsal time with Michael Page and Russ Pitts)
> A Jethro Tull concert the night before Thanksgiving
> Andy’s bachelor party.
> A Very Vegas Easter, Volumes I, II & III
> The first Lions vs. Browns Thanksgiving Day game. Can you still smell Scott’s fart? I can.
> A Punta Cana Wedding, standing up as a bridesmaid, with Hans as my “date.”
> That one time I went to visit mother.
> Arie’s in Plainwell
> The Stupid Bowl (before Scott Mitchell, who by the way, is not doing very well either)
> More than one Beer-Drinking-Relay Contest (undefeated) at CMU.
> Seeing Pete Kehoe all over this state.”
It is this latter statement that has had wiffle ball officials concerned, as the trademark Scott Mitchell jersey has escorted Albertson from Missouri to Florida on official Fat Bastard missionary work. The MLY’s own Phil Bradley said it best, “My god, that guy in the #19 jersey gets bigger every year!”
“My Bob Probert jersey and Meijer shorts (used to be sweatpants) will be flown at half mast in memorium,” stated Sen. Rob Byrne (I-Sparta). “My condolences as well to whoever found the Turtleneck.”
“On the bright side, the Black Turtleneck never really fit, anyway,” offered brother, the Big ‘Un. “In fact the last six or seven hundred times you packed yourself into it I could’nt help but think that it was like someone trying to cover a pontoon boat with a trash bag.”
The Black Turtleneck retired, speculation has centered squarely on the Mitchell jersey. “Please GOD tell me this DOES NOT mean you’ll be wearing the Mitchell jersey more often!” worried Red.

LAS VEGAS – “This could be the worst idea we have ever had,” stated EZ-E after learning that his favorite bar in Las Vegas, The Coyote Cafe’, is closing its doors on February 17. The Coyote, as many veteran followers may recall was the original site of “Tequilla Breakfast.”
It’s legend was born on an earlier Vegas visit: After Hans, Bock, Red, and EZ’s first sojourn there in 2000, one bartender had passed out in the beer cooler at 11 AM, and the bar manager fell off the wagon, disappeared for 5 hours before coming back – danced on the bar completely inebriated – and was summilarily fired!
Subsequent visits have introduced other Fatties to the Coyote and only increased it’s legend.
In order to celebrate the end of an era, Red, Joe Humvee, Bock, EZ, Hans, K-K, Rings, and perhaps Sir Ernest Shackleton himself will be making a 24 hour raid at the Coyote on its closing day.
“We got a call from Matt, the bartender (who charged us $22.50 for what should have been a $400 “breakfast” tab). He asked us to come out as thier guests.” said Red, who was bidding on airline tickets.
“Apparently the idea is 24 hours in Vegas, without a room, and then jet back. Although, I intend to get a room in case I need executive relief, if ya know what I mean” said EZ. While attire has not been discussed, it is assumed there will be a theme, but probably not a repeat of the “Priest and Parochial Schoolgirls” ensemble worn on the group’s second trip to Vegas, during Easter of 2001.