“Everyone pick out a song. Jose have me a dollar for the jukebox.”

- O.B.

SARANAC – Soon to be semi-legendary, Joe “Jose” Turnes now has his very own article on the Fat Bastard site. Jose joined the fray as Sugar’s teammate in 2003, finally leading the way to a victory as Goose and Mav in that season. Now entering his fourth campaign, Turnes will be looking forward to preparations as soon as tax season finishes up.
“All those numbers are excellent preparation for the visual skills needed in wiffle competion,” states Jose.
He and Sugar, along with newer teammate, The Goaler, have managed to remain competitive, earning at least a victory in nearly every tournament. They’ve also beat the hell out of the PBR cooler, in an effort to remain refreshed during the day’s competition.
Rumors of his soon-to-be built Turnes Field for wiffle have abounded since his initial appearance, but have yet to be substantiated. Although, such a project would be an excellent training ground for some pre-tournament scrimmages.
Also, Jose has earned himself his very own category, “Jose”, now that he’s carried the day with his fourth – count ‘em – four article in the Fatty archives!
If you happen to run into this physical specimen of an accountant, be sure to offer your congratulations on earning his very own category.
Way to go, Joseph!

PENTWATER – After the family had to fumigate the entire living space last year, OB has snuck the keys to the cabin again and the Fat Bastard Winter Meetings will commence up in Pentwater this weekend as EZ-E, Jose, The Colonel, The Senator, The Moop, Rings, Sugar, The Big Un and OB are all scheduled to be in attendance.
Topics will range from Pabst, to this year’s charitable cause, on to some Old Style, perhaps some team-name research and include some Strohs for color.
We’ll keep an eye on The Moop for our returnables, but otherwise plan on leaving a stink in that cabin that will be remembered by August.
On a more serious note, Fatty fans and players are requested to suggest a charitable cause or two that we might entertain for 2006. Please hit CONTACT to send some suggestions.

CEDAR SPRINGS – The second annual Mad Scramble is now in the books – with a familiar team atop the leader board. 36 hackers invaded the grounds of Cedar Chase to beat the heck out of the course, look for lost balls, and avoid EZ’s shorts.
Despite the best efforts of the Albertson boys to distract them, the Byrne brothers, Col. Scott and Sen. Rob, defended their title as the best duffers out there, posting a two stroke under par tally. They also managed to accumulate the largest tab of the season at the Harvard Tavern.
High score of 102 (in scramble play?!?) went to Bock & Humvee, playing in the training wheels division. Scotty “Bubba” Leuchtman took home the honors for longest drive with a wiffle golf ball, while Bev “Eligible” Fisher and The Colonel were longest with a real one. Humvee made the longest putt and Jose was closest to the pin.
Congratulations and thanks to everyone who participated.

2003 rookie Fat Bastard and accountant Joe “Jose” Turnes has been smitten by the wiffle bug. According to reports, he has been so inspired by his first victory, along with Sugar, he’s rumoured to be building his own field in the yard.
Can a Fatty league be far behind?

GRAND HAVEN – Fat Bastard “Top Ten” icon, Jon “Sugar” Lewis(-ski) is allegedly set to make his return to Fat Bastard competition for the first time since the final out of the 2001 Baxter Bowl. Reports indicate that Sugar will be playing with newcomer Joe “Jose” Turnes, well know for his role with the War Pigs since 1996. There reports, if confirmed, would also mark the first time that Sugar has found his own teammate since the ill-fated 1999 Fat Bastard Bad Beer World Series.
Two-time Baxter Bowl Champion, O.B., has confirmed that Jose will indeed play in the Fatty after securing his spot by reporting for “duty” over the Memorial Day weekend. O.B. was unable to confirm Jose’s playing partner, however, as O.B. himself is scheduled to return this year with the Big ‘Un in an effort to reclaim their Baxter Bowl title.
Sugar, as any long time Fat Bastard fan will remember, will always maintain his status in Fatty lore for his ability to train his girlfriend to drop him off at the bar after softball games and “drive around” for a few hours while he bent elbows with the boys. He has also managed to lower the line to 5-4 in favor of him cracking his first Fat Bastard homer, as he has found his power stroke since winning a Beaver Research game in 2002 with a walk-off grand slam.