The following is a shout out by EZ-E:

Oh my, that time of the summer for wiffleball is finally here. After a great run at Harvard and new Ringler boys on the way, we say a final and heartfelt thanks to Dave and Kelley for hosting a decade worth of memories and debauch. We even managed to play some wiffs!

Now, on to the Little Event, where we thank Dan Ryan for getting Big House Large and whipping up a quickie for us to play. Believe me, this author now knows all too much about whipping it and quickies. All Hail!

So this Lil’ Bastard has a smaller field and a larger field. Only 8 teams, but plenty of extra space form foul pole to foul pole. Using new harder wiffle balls will mean more velocity, but also greater distance when struck. 3 players on D and a larger strike zone. Ah, these times are a changin’.

So let’s take a look at the teams, shall we? PFC Ryan asked me to rank ‘em and I am happy to oblige. But how to rank teams when I don’t know the field? Well, here are some assumptions:

1) Defense, always under-rated, will be of huge concern. Those lazy foul balls I let drop mere inches from me are now fair. Oof. Does that mean I have to run? This is friggin’ wiffleball. Penalty shotgun for Ryan! Outfielders now have real ground to cover. Is it even worth it playing one player up? It is for my team, cause I don’t field. Ever. Just ask Ringler.

2) Power pitching will dominate. Get your hits off of Ryan, EZ, The Byrne Brothers, UKR, OB, and Jack because when B-Tram, Ringler, Kid Garcia, Fruend, Jered, and Moop are on the hill it will be tough swinging indeed.

3) Take Monkeys Beware! A larger strike zone means hit the meat pitch, because that 2 strike ball you take that is 1 inch off the plate is now a strike. Despite my mentioning power pitching as point 2, I think you will see several “are you kidding me” junk ball strikeouts from Robby and the Colonel.

4) Big Time Long Ball will be a difference maker in the middle stages. I predict a walk off from 3 of the following players: Braater, Branch, Ringler, Schultzy, Jered, and Russo.

All that said, here is how I rank ‘em:

1) “Jason Gave’em the Runs”. Dan Ryan – Jason Schultz – Scott Leuchtmann. Dominant pitching, home field advantage, and retard strength in Schultzy. All these guys can hit. B-Tram’s pitching is all the defense he needs. However, how much ground can he cover with the other guys on the hill? With PVT Ryan fully recovered from last years freak injury, Schultzy only needs to get through his one inning relatively unscathed. If they are up by a run or two going into the final two innings, look out! A favorable draw means they avoid early clashes against the #2 and #3 seeded teams. In the end, B-Tram shuts down the side for the title.

2) ”We’re Single Mom Horny”. EZ – Braater – “A To The Kid G” Garcia. Lots of pitching prowess here, and two big bats. However, Kid Garcia has been known to have control problems out of doors. Braater has a big stick, strong hands, and a tight snap dragon. How gay did that sound? Meanwhile: EZ won’t field. He simply won’t. The Big Fella also can’t hit, but yet manages to spray the ball around a bit. He will always throw you strikes, though, so hit the first slow one. The way to beat this team is to field everything, especially anything off of EZ’s bat, hit the slow stuff, avoid the Kid if he starts tossing gas, and challenge them to out drink you. Though the last is a dangerous assignment, EZ is on the team to be the “Enforcer” in that eventuality. EZ will wear his Stu Grimson jersey to keep any nare do well’s from thinking of shotgunning their way past them.

3) “The After Church Cornhole”. Scott Richards – Jeff Freund – Gary Branch. Another entry from the Mr. Roger’s Team Name Consortium. This squad was going to be listed as second by me, but if they drink as harshly as they name their team, they’ll be passed out by noon. This team has a Fatty Championship on their resume and boast fine hitting, defense, and pitching. UKR is down untold pounds since the days of yor, and has a competative streak. Reports are that he throws at his daughter if she crowds the plate on him. Expect defensive gems all day long from the cousin tandem of Fruend and Branch.

4) “The Byrnestein Advantage”. Byrne – Byrne – Ringler. A very potent group here. Sure hands, sure fielding, and sure hitting. The larger field will play very well to The Colonel’s hitting. Ringler’s power arm and propensity to go deep (he is done with hitting doubles, just ask Kelley), coupled with Rob’s fielding make this a tough team to beat. The larger field size helps this team more than just about any other. Ringler will be beside himself when a player on his team actually fields a ball. This teams’ chief problem is its chemistry. It’s too good. Scott will be debating Rob about Concrete Charlie being tougher than Jim Nill, while Ringler throws ball four from laughing. If they can keep the wheels on the cart they may be alright, the best with this team is that nobody has more fun.

5) ”Give’em the Gay Bear”. Moop – OB – Ron Francis. Jack’s team may be better on paper, but as Robby will tell you, it’s not the size of the dog in the fight, it’s the size of the fight in the dog. No one is better at wiffle smack than The Moop. Little Buddy’s back will need to hold up, but his tennis swing will drop hits in all over the field. His step and throw pitching will produce strikes. If Moop shuts his yap long enough to field this is a team that can go places, given the Moop’s legitimate side arm fastball. The Opening game between Moop and Jack’s team will be the most entertaining of the night.

6) “Jack and Vasher went to Jereds”. Jack Russell – Matt Vasher – Jerrod Miller. Tons of softball talent, but that seldom equals wiffle talent. Jered picked up wiffleball – the one time he played – faster than anyone I’ve seen. Newcomers Jered and Vasher could lose a game in the pregame banter with The Moop. Taking wiffle too lightly is a recipe for three and done. They will try not to say “it’s only wiffle”, but once they see B-Tram the tourney is over. Now time to drink some Pimm’s and say “Cucumber? WTF?”

7) ”Fast on Foot, Slow on Team Name”. Joe Russo – Mark Mersman – Matt Bishop. Oh man, will these guys be pissed that they are ranked this far down. Sorry fellas, speed and athleticism give way to blubber and hardened livers in the great sport of wifflball. Merz will be a fielding demon, but let’s see how he pitches (and swings from the right side of the plate). Russo always improves, but down time between games means too many beers he downs. This group is my choice for Mongo Bowl Champs.

8 ) ”Three Rights Make a Left”. Larry Ziser –Rudy Faber- T-Willie. Great guys, hard competators, and a fair amount of talent. They should field well, T-Willie and Larry can cover ground. Rudy will drive the odd ball deep. An opening round game against “We’re Single Mom Horny” is not the ideal draw. No matter what though, these guys will give “The Byrnestein Advantage” all kinds of trouble going for Team Who Had The Most Fun Award.

In the end it will be the battle of the middle rounds that will have the best wiffs. Games E, G, and potentially H will be competative affairs with gentlemenly play, if not gentlemenly smells and language.

Thanks again Ryan. Everyone is looking forward to seeing longtime waffle friends for a couple of days.

Best of luck all!

Cheers!

EZ-E

The following is a shout out from Rings:

DETROIT – We’d be remiss to all Detroit Tiger baseball fans, and really any baseball fan, for the failure to acknowledge one of the finest men in the game with the passing of legendary broadcaster, Ernie Harwell.

Having met him on numerous occasions, he was not only the nicest celebrity I’d ever met, but one of the nicest people I’ve ever met. He’d actually make you feel like he was truly honored to meet YOU.

For many of you who are not from Michigan, he’s just another broadcaster – and I get that – but for those of us who grew up here, before the days of every televised game and instant ESPN highlights, Ernie Harwell and Paul Carey brought the Boys of Summer to life with a verbal tapestry unmatched by modern announcing, filled with commercials, forced schtick and catch phrases. There was nothing like memories of hanging around with dad or friends and listening to a batter stand there “like the house by the side of the road” or a “man from Ypsilanti” take home a foul ball.

He was the very definition of class and he will be missed.

Hall of Fame Speech

Ernie’s Final Public Appearance (I was there)

Milt Wilcox’ near Perfect Game

1968 Tiger’s Pennant

Bobby Thompson’s Home Run

Voice of the Turtle

The Announcement (audio at bottom of page reflects the heartfelt feelings of many)

Paul Carey Interview (“The Voice of God” still sounds great)

Freep

The following is a  shout out from Trey “The Bookie” Sumner, somewhere in Iraq:

The Boston Marathon sanctions a satellite marathon here in Tallil.

I learned of this 5 months ago and challenged some soldiers to do it. Two of the soldiers on my site, SPC Danielle Fester and SPC Diane Cammarata,  agreed and we spent the last 5 months training for this.

500 miles, 8 pairs of shoes, 2 lost toenails, multiple knee/ hamstring and foot injuries, 1 close call on finding a latrine during a long run and god-only-knows-how-much pain later…we set out for Tallil.

We linked up with CPT Jenny Stevenson and SGT Steve Couture and after a one day delay due to sand storms we ran the Tallil satellite Boston Marathon.

Steve was the fast one – he completed it in 4 hours 17 minutes, the rest of us finished at 6 hours 31 minutes. It was a big accomplishment for everyone,especially considering the conditions and course, but I’m especially proud of Danielle – 6 months ago she could not pass her 2 mile run on her physical fitness test and through a lot of hard work she is now a marathon athlete.

From an original article on the “Good News Network.”

A beer that was falsely promoted as a feel-good elixir decades ago may actually have some lifesaving qualities, according to a new study.
A pint of Guinness stout may have the same impact in improving blood circulation as a low dose of aspirin, researchers from the University of Wisconsin told a conference of the American Medical Association in Orlando, Fla., the BBC reported Wednesday.

A new study suggests a pint of Guinness beer may be as effective as a low dose of aspirin in stopping blood clots.
The researchers’ study found that antioxidants in Guinness helped reduce blood-clotting activity in dogs. The animals have narrow blood vessels similar to those of humans who suffer from heart disease.
The experts believe that in addition to the anti-clogging qualities of alcohol, some ingredients in Guinness can actually slow deposits of cholesterol in the blood.
A spokeswoman for Diageo, the manufacturer of Guinness, refused to boast of the findings.
“We never make any medical claims for our drinks,” she told the BBC.
Decades ago, the beer was marketed with the slogan “Guinness is Good for You.” In England in the 1920s, a pint was often given to patients after surgery, blood donors and pregnant women, the BBC said. This, of course, runs counter to modern medical advice.
For more on this story, check out the BBC report.

FT. HOOD, TX – Fatty Hall of Famer Trey “The Bookie” Sumner is off again on a government-sponsored tour of the Middle East, which means – unfortunately – that we’ll be seeing the second version of the “Fatty Iraq.” For a recap of the last tour, click HERE. For the Scouting Reports, with results, click HERE.

Trey sent us a quick update from the preparations:

I am flying out to Ft Hood, TX today where we will finalize our preparations for our tour. Most importantly, I have packed sufficient equipment (assuming no one breaks a bat) for “spring training” for Fat Bastard Iraq II.
This time we are linking up with a unit out of New Hampshire – which means they should be much smarter than the unit from Mississippi last time. Although, I’m pretty sure calling out “Buuuckneeeeeerrrrrr” is going to be overplayed inside of a week. SGT Nick “The Other” White “Meat” (a returning veteran from the first Iraq Fatty) got us shirts that say:

Patriots go 16-0 regular season – invaluable
Patriots don’t win the Superbowl – priceless

Should be interesting. Updates to follow……

The following is a Shout Out by Jamie “Old School” Hernandez:

Oh what a glorious weekend it be
As we drank beer and then had to pee
Standing and playing in the rain
It was hard to tell who was in pain
By midday everyone wore grins
because the sun was brought to us by Pimms
With B-Tram’s Golden Arm and Breen’s Big Stick
Zanner’s Home Run off of Chitwood was sick
the wiffle memories again were a blast
as another Fatty weekend has come and passed
A hearty thanks to the wonderful hosts
as we look forward to nest years toasts

-J

If you chase two rabbits, both will escape.

The following is a shout out by Rings

HARVARD – Dang-nabbit! 

After four days, the batters boxes and mound on Harvard Red are still holding water and I’ve had my Schlitz shirt soaking since the tourney wrapped up. Somebody dial up Martha Stewart!

Now I’ve washed, used the Billy Mays Oxi-Clean, Spray ‘n Wash and anything else I can think of, but I still can’t get out that stubborn “ring around the collar”…yes, I’ve even Wisked it to no avail.

In the words of Frank Hovice, its time to set fire to the bed and leave. Check out Schlitz HERE to get geared up for the next Fatty.

The following is a shout out from Hall of Famer Steve “Cougar” Peavler:

Between all the craptastic things going on in my life right now, I was not-so-surprisingly idea free on what to write for the FB this year. I was taking one of those online quizzes at one of those Yiddish porn sites when it hit me. I put together my encyclopedic knowledge of film, my obsession with sports, some late night drunken googling and my deep hatred for all of the Fat Bastards…and what did I come up with? The FB 2009 Quote Quiz! Some of these quotes are from film, some from sports, and some are true blue Fatty bluster. Take the quiz and find out just how “fat” a bastard you are.

1. “Peace, love and no fat chix.”

Jimmy “Chitwood” Galvan
Champ Kind
Joe “Jose” Turnes
John “Bluto” Blutarsky

2. “Well, you can run like Mays, but you hit like shit.”

Lonnie Rucker
Drey “Doc” Barber
Indians Manager Lou Brown
Pat “Truck” Moriarity

3. “I’m drunk. Help me.”

Andy Dick
Nick Nolte
Dan “Private” Ryan
Ben “Spicolli” Taylor

4. “Were we so different? They’re a young species. They have much to learn. But I’ve seen goodness in them.”

Optimus Prime
Dave “Rings’” Ringler
Wes Mantooth
Al Garcia

5. “I used to have a bad gag reflex, but then my dentist showed me what to do.”

Tracy Lords
Sarah Palin
Hall of Famer, Kelley-Kelley
Scott “Poor S.O.B.” Graves

6. “If I knew I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself.”

Walter Matthau
Scott “The Colonel” Byrne
Walter Cronkite
Mickey Mantle

7. “Have I ever seen a grown man naked? Not grown enough.”

Tila Tequila
Stephanie “Mini” Cooper
Jeff “Jughead” Jewell
Veronica Corningstone

8. “They talk to us. They tell us about the great big terrible things they’ve done and the great big wonderful things they’re going to do. Their hopes, their regrets. Their loves, their hates. All very large, because nobody ever brings anything small into a bar.”

“Sugar”
Randy “The Ram” Robinson
Elwood P Dowd
Jeff “O.B.” O’Bryan

9. “Nothing good comes out of being sixth – you have to set your beer down just to count that far and that’s not right.”

Crash Davis
Dave “Atta Boy” Ferguson
Matt “Rusty” Hilgers
John Daly

10. “I led the league in ‘Go get ‘em next time.’”

Gary Sheffield
Dustin “The Wind” Nichols
Bob Uecker
Coach Norman Dale

11. “This is what happens when you f**k a stranger in the **s!”

Ron Jeremy
Walter Sobchak
Ash J. Williams
Richard Gere

12. “A game against us would be heaven? Please, son. Unless, of course, your idea of heaven is ending the day curled up in the fetal position in a puddle of your own shame and humiliation.”

Trey Sumner
Wayne Fontes
Brian “Tank” Braat
John Kruk

13. “Back off man. I’m a scientist.”

Victor Conte
Eric “EZ-E” Albertson
Dr. Peter Venkman
Mike “Wy-Wy” Wyman

14. “You wanna find an outlaw, you call an outlaw. You wanna find a Dunkin’ Donuts, call a cop.”

Shaquille O’Neal
Jimmy “Chitwood” Galvan
Leonard Smalls
Matt “Bish” Bishop

15. “Make the lie big, make it simple, keep saying it, and eventually they will believe it.”

Adolf Hitler
Kwame Kilpatrick
Jaime “Old School” Hernandez
Ron “Don’t Call Me” Francis

16. “If I had that car and he had a feather up his **s, we’d both be tickled.”

Nathan Arizona
Hal “Pops” Ringler
Cliff “Clavin” Russo
Red Leary

17. “You are a smelly pirate hooker.”

Ron Burgundy
T.J. “Two-Bat” Heyda
Troy “Clark” Kent
Bev Fisher

18. “I want to buy your women… the little girl… your daughters. Sell them to me. Sell me your children.”

Brian Fantana
“Joliet” Jake Blues
Jeff “Sigmund” Freund
R. Kelly

19. “So, where’s the Cannes Film Festival being held this year?”

Barack Obama
Ryan “Where You” Breen
Hans “The Queen” Heikkinen
Christina Aguilera

20. “I think gay marriage is something that should be between a man and a woman.”

Arnold Schwarzenegger
Scott “UKR” Richards
Kevin “Jack and Jill Went up the” Hillary
Elizabeth Hasselbeck

21. “You can’t drink all day, if you don’t start first thing in the morning.”

Larry “Legend” Zeiser
Sailor Ripley
Barney Gumble
Ike Turner

22. “I have opinions of my own –strong opinions– but I don’t always agree with them.”

George W. Bush
Rob “The Senator” Byrne
Susan “Zanner” Sheppard
Brick Tamland

23. “You go to bed with Bo Derek and you wake up with Bo Diddley.”

Frank “The Tank” Ricard
Andy “Big ‘Un” Albertson
Mike “Spike” Samec
Robert “Boogie” Sheftell

24. “”All pitchers are liars or crybabies.”

Yogi Berra
Ty Cobb
Steve “Cougar” Peavler
Arthur P Hoggett

25. “So THAT’s how it is in their family…”

Lt. Cmdr Matt T Sherman
Lloyd Fuller
Ed Rooney
Colin “Tugboat” DeWaay

See the comments for the answer key…

Who knew…?
*
The wiffle wind blows
Catches the scent of the Port-a-Jon
PIMS & Pabst be found
- Sen. Robt. Byrne
*
Yellow wand slashes
Futile pursuit of laughing six-hole ball
Sugar K’s again
- Col. Scott Byrne
*
Final out… sun sets…
Heckles are hollered from the
sleepy eyed dirtbags
- Steve “Cougar” Peavler
*
Ball one, ball two, ugh
ball three, ball four, oh Jesus
…here we go again
- Matt “Rusty” Hilgers

The following is a shout out from Ron “Don’t Call me” Francis:

I hear that everyone’s Little Buddy, O.B., now has his very own website!

LINK

 Thanks to Ron!