KEWADIN – Oh, my…but Truck isn’t the only “formerly” fat Fat Bastard as Scott “UKR” Richards and his lovely missus and superfan, Amy, have become shadows of them-former-selves, dropping a combined 80 pounds over the off-season.

After swearing off potato chips, UKR is expected to show off his leaner form, playing once again this year with new teammates “Wy-Wy” and “Ooh, La La” in a replay of last year’s coed debut.

Congratulations to you both and we’ll see you in August!

To my recollection either EZ or our long-lost friend Ron Petit (Mackinac Island and Cleveland fame)  gave me that nickname sometime around the summer of ’92.  If Eric hasn’t told you about Petit, it would surprise me.  He was a certifiable gambling and drinking icon of Mackinac Island (…actually, still is).

Around that time frame, a sh*tty band from California named Ugly Kid Joe was getting some air time nationally – I think covering Cats in the Cradle or something.  I walk into one of the bars Ron or Eric was either sitting in or working at, and one of the two of them (I really can’t remember which) addressed me as “Ugly Kid Richards.”  It stuck for the rest of my tenure on the island - UKR for short.

For nicknames, however, before they started calling Eric “EZ-E,” they started calling him “Scalbzy” for some reason.

Anyway, spring training is nearly at hand and I’m getting ready to practice some wiffle ball.  Last summer, my neighbor to the north kept looking out the window - at least twice  that I’ve noticed - to catch yours truly throwing plastic balls at a masked off strike zone taped to my pole barn.  The look on my neighbor’s face was only slightly better then the pimple-faced sales girl at the Traverse City Dunham’s that checked me out after I made her  go into the back stock of the store to buy fourteen wiffle balls (all that the had).

KEWADIN – Scott “UKR” Richards apologized to the Fatties and his fans on Monday for “using bad judgment and making bad decisions” and vowed to redeem himself after pleading guilty to a chip hoarding charge.
“First I want to apologize for all the things that I’ve done and that I have allowed to happen,” the star wiffler said at a news conference following his appearance in U.S. District Court to formally enter the plea.
Sentencing was set for Dec. 10 and Richards could be sent to prison for one to five years.
In Harvard, the Fat Bastard Front Offices said they would not suspend UKR immediately because of salary-cap issues. The team intends to pursue the $22 in bonus money that he already received in a $130 contract signed in 2004, paid mostly in returnables.
“We cannot tell you today that Scott Richards is cut from the tournament,” director Ringler said. “We all understand how he feels about his chips, but we have to think of the children who were forced to go without their salty snacks.”
UKR made his first public statements on the chip defiling incident, saying: “I made a mistake in using bad judgment and making bad decisions. Chip hoarding is a terrible thing.”
Along with apologizing to his teammates, both professionals in their own fields, he apologized “to all the young kids out there for my immature acts.”
“I totally ask for forgiveness and understanding as I move forward to bettering Scott Richards the person, not the wiffle ball player,” he said, looking somber throughout the brief news session.
He concluded by saying, “I offer my deepest apologies to everyone. And I will redeem myself. I have to.”
Richards took no questions.
He said little in court, standing erect and softly answering “Yes, sir” and “No, sir” to U.S. District Judge Jorg “Dork” Fuchs questions. Family members occupied the front row of the packed courtroom for the 15-minute hearing.
The plea by the long-time Fattie was accepted by Fuchs, who asked: “Are you entering the plea of guilty to a conspiracy charge because you are in fact guilty?”
Richards answered yes.
Fuchs emphasized he is not bound by sentencing guidelines or the recommendations of prosecutors and can impose the maximum sentence. Prosecutors proposed a 12- to 18-month prison term.
“You’re taking your chances here. You’ll have to live with whatever decision I make,” Fuchs said.
“A first-time offender might well receive no jail time for this offense,” attorney Jason “Barrister” Schnelker said in a statement. “We thought, however, that the conduct in this conspiracy was heinous, cruel and inhumane.”
In his written plea filed last week, Richards admitted helping kill six to eight cases of chips and supplying money for many additional bags (and dip). He said he did not personally purchase the chips or share them with anyone else once in his posession.
Shortly afterward, the Fatties, many of whom were stunned by his behavior with a bag of Lays at the 2005 Tournament – particularly while completely ignoring his refreshments – ridiculed him mercilessly, suggestion that an indefinite suspension without pay may be in the offing. Merely associating with teetotalers can trigger a lifetime ban under the tournament’s personal conduct policy. Most concerns were relieved this past tournament, however, when UKR had the foresight to bring a 20# CO2 system and plenty of draft to go with his snacks.
This case began in late April when authorities, conducting a potato shortage investigation in northern Michigan, raided the former Central Michigan University star’s rural Kewadin property and seized dozens of empty pallets of chips, some soiled, and equipment commonly used in making chip dip.
A federal indictment issued in July charged Scott Richards with an interstate chip hoarding conspiracy. Richards initially denied any involvement and pleaded innocent, but several witnesses stepped forward and he was forced to change his plea to guilty.
The details outlined in the indictment and other court papers fueled a public backlash against Richards and cost him several lucrative endorsement deals, even before he agreed to plead guilty.
“The public at large does not like to go without their chips,” continued Ringler. “Particularly when they’re being entirely consumed by one man.”
The Front Offices have promised a further statement once sentencing is completed in December.
In the meantime, chip shortages should be relieved very soon at your local retailers.

The following is a guest article from Amy “Wife” Richards/Richards Training Camp report:

KEWADIN, MI – Newest addition (Oct 2003) to “Team Richards” reported, “I wuv to pway wiffah baw wif you guys!” as she chased balls for UKR and wife. On the roster at 38″ and 32 pounds, she is hitting some nice ones off the tee.
“Wife” Richards was having a little more trouble connecting – UKR asked, “Aren’t you going to swing at anything?” to which she replied, “It’s hard, I’ve been drinking all day.” This is usually his line.
Neighbors are somewhat mystified by the masking tape square on the side of the pole barn, but so far have refrained from asking any questions. The look on his face was only slightly better then the pimple faced sales girl at the Traverse City Dunhams that checked me out when I made her go into the back stock of the store to buy fourteen wiffle balls (all that the had).

See everyone soon!
- The Wife