“I’m a Dago and I’m going gray. I’m not frosting anything.”
- Scott “The Colonel” Byrne, rebutting accusations of professional hair care.
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Archive for the 'The Colonel' CategoryQuotablePosted by The Fatty
Kickoff!Posted by The Fatty
The NFL season is about to begin, as our local Lions’ fans prepare for their 52nd straight non-championship season. Hope abounds, however, that they might actually win a game this year (our best choices for the first win: Sept. 20 vs. Vikes or Nov. 1 vs. Rams). Comments Off Haikus from HarvardPosted by The Fatty
Who knew…? Literally ColonelPosted by The Fatty
In The Colonel
2Nov 08 GRAND RAPIDS – Fat Bastard Publishing is proud to announce a distribution deal for Scott “The Colonel” Byrne’s new tome, Dispensing Wisdom, Justice & Trivia. QuotablePosted by The Fatty
- Scott “The Colonel” Byrne, in a “forceful” display of baserunning (which sent the catcher sprawling). Stupid Bowl Still UndefeatedPosted by The Fatty
In The Colonel
6Feb 08
Did you know that Steve Owens was the first Detroit Lions running back to rush for over 1,000 yards in a season? He totalled 1035 in 1974 on 246 carries. Click HERE for a brief slideshow of much of the gang, which included a Pops sighting and a “flash” of the Chode Meister. As pitchers and catchers prepare to report, this is one of the early signs of spring and we’ll begin our preparations here at Harvard Yards for the Winter Fiasco in three weeks and the World’s Greatest Wiffle Ball Tournament in August. Comments Off The Colonel’s NuggetsPosted by The Fatty
“The best things in life come in pairs…”
“He came down to dinner in his Sunday best, and he rubbed the pot roast all over his chest, Excitable Boy, they all said” -Warren Zevon A summer Saturday in suburbia, circa 1978…the neighborhood 12-year-olds scattered in the yard and street playing Wiffleball (although wiffle in the Greenbriar neighborhood consisted of a tennis ball against the garage door, with the batter swinging a Boog Powell model Louisville Slugger.) Then there were the tag-along brothers, Li’l Eri, with the shock of white-blond hair, and Robby, with the Dave Collins-esque wire rim glasses. Completing the picture was the Albertson family patriarch, Danny, a couple of Manhattans in, baffling us with Carl Hubbell’s screwball and the high leg kick of Schoolboy Rowe. This particular story doesn’t end with the Big’Un’s impersonation of Dan Quisenberry while Eric screamed “G*D D*MMIT ANDY DON”T THROW SIDEARM!!!” Instead, we moved inside for lemonade and the Tigers game at Yankee Stadium. George Kell’s Arkansas drawl described a pitcher’s duel between the pride of Grand Rapids, young Dave Rozema, vs. the undefeated Ragin’ Cajun, Ron Guidry. A Rusty Staub RBI single and a solo shot by Jason Thompson had the Bengals clinging to a two-zero lead, when with one on and two out in the 7th, Mickey Rivers pinch-hit and lofted a deep fly to right center. The Tigers aging Mickey Stanley, he of the consecutive errorless games streak, ironically a graduate of Grand Rapids Central High, same as Rozema, tracked the ball and timed his leap perfectly. Unfortunately, some 20 years before truant Jeffrey Maier made himself infamous with the same manuever, a fan reached over the wall and deflected the ball out of Stanley‘s glove. The ball lay on the warning track as a furious Stanley charged toward 1st base umpire Ken Kaiser, who had moved approximately six inches during the entire play. From between his third and fourth chin, he spotted no fan interference, and the argument ensued as Rivers circled the bases to tie the game. Throughout the afternoon, Danny was being Danny; virtually in constant motion, to the kitchen, out to the porch, out the slider, on the phone, an occasional comment inappropriate for children. Now as the chaos unfolded on TV, Danny made clear his opinion of the play: “C’MON STANLEY, PICK UP THE G*D D*MN BALL – IF IT WAS A POTATO YOU WOULDN’T HAVE LEFT IT LAYIN’ THERE!” Now, you know that a comment is funny when you hear it in middle school and don’t fully appreciate the humor until you start college. No matter what your heritage, or how many generations back there was something other than kindling in your woodpile, Danny would find a way to drill you on it. Alas, the Kitties were rattled by the turn of events – the Yanks scratched out a run off John Hiller in the 8th and the Goose pitched a 1-2-3 9th to save Guidry’s 13th straight W. Anecdotally, manager Ralph Houk argued so vociferously with Kaiser he swallowed his chaw and became so violently ill he couldn’t manage the 2nd game of the doubleheader. Next month in Nuggets – we take a look at post-concussion syndrome, as Andy rolls Eric up in a rug and rolls him down the stairs. http://www.baseball-reference.com/s/stanlmi01.shtml Comments Off Big Alex going ProPosted by The Fatty
“I just got an invitation in the mail to attend the Draft for this league. Anyone interested in taking my place? As I look at my schedule for that day, I will be pre-occupied with taking a dump, then watching paint dry, followed by staring out the window. Here’s the link: http://www.allamericanfootballleague.com/index.php,” writes Alex. “Come on, look at our coach. If he brings his brother along then it may be somewhat exciting! But it would be worth a road trip just to head back down to Knox-vegas one more time. And I wouldn’t even care if we made it to the game or not.” The Colonel isn’t so sure. “Uh, nice league logo, thats about it. I think they need to spice things up with some different team names: Alabama WhipCrackers (no coloreds need apply), Arkansas A**Grabbers (with a big leering photo of Bill Clinton on the helmet, purple of course), Florida Flamers (home games at South Beach), Michigan Millens (a whole team of wide receivers), Tennessee TrailerTrash (Velvet Elvis for a logo), and the Texas Halliburtons (secretly funded by Saudi Arabia). Who’s gonna watch this crap?” We’ll await more from Alex and look forward to his potential debut. Comments Off QuotablePosted by The Fatty
“This should cheer you up, Eric: Comments Off Big Trade Announced!Posted by The Fatty
In The Colonel
19Oct 07 From Scott “The Colonel” Byrne: Grand Rapids (UPI) – The Byrne family has traded Jan Byrne and a twelve-pack of Miller Lite for Maribeth Albertson, two liters of wine, and a pint of Gilbeys Vodka. The trade will take effect prior to kickoff of the Thanksgiving Day game. Mrs. Albertson will blend seamlessly into the Hillary’s and their extended family, while Jan’s observations on Boss Bailey and recollections of Darris McCord will be welcomed by the Albertson clan. Comments Off |
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The wiffle wind blows
“Get off the plate, you moron!”
NORTH PARK – The annual Stupid Bowl, hosted by Scott “The Colonel” Byrne and the S.A.L. 258 saw a record crowd this year at the Boat ‘n Canoe Club as about 250 Super Bowl XLII revelers witnessed the end of the Patriots undefeated season at the hands of the New York Giants.
Before I get started, let it be known I am dead against the 21st Century, touchy-feely, Dr. Phil-Oprah, nature vs. nurture, I-tortured-the-babysitter-because-I was-fondled-by-the-priest mentality our society seems to favor. EZ’s childhood, however, could probably be held up as a case study.
WIXOM – Longtime Friend of the Fatties, Keith “Alex” Alexander has apparently been offered a tryout in the new All American Football League, a new “professional” league starting this spring.
“That @^% cirle $*# group |@$%^&!!”
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