MILWAUKEE – With the next election cycle looming, and speculation that Sen. Robt. J. Byrne (I-Sparta) has yet to decide whether to run for reelection, word has reached the front offices that the Honorable Senator may be in the running as the new spokes-model for the relaunch of Blatz beer.

As many of you may have seen, Pabst, Inc. has recently relaunched several of the “grandpa” beers over the past several years, including Schlitz, represented by 1968 Playmate Cynthia Meyers, Old Style and PBR.

Could our Fatty Hall of Famer be next?

Who knew…?
*
The wiffle wind blows
Catches the scent of the Port-a-Jon
PIMS & Pabst be found
- Sen. Robt. Byrne
*
Yellow wand slashes
Futile pursuit of laughing six-hole ball
Sugar K’s again
- Col. Scott Byrne
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Final out… sun sets…
Heckles are hollered from the
sleepy eyed dirtbags
- Steve “Cougar” Peavler
*
Ball one, ball two, ugh
ball three, ball four, oh Jesus
…here we go again
- Matt “Rusty” Hilgers

PITTSBURGH – Word has reached the Fatty front offices that our list of thespians may be growing. Sen. Robert J. Byrne (I-Sparta) is reportedly in negotiations for a remake of Nick Nolte and Eddie Murphy’s film, 48 Hours.

Byrne is shown here rehearsing with co-star Nolte.

“I’d consider myself a method actor,” stated Rob.

The project is working under the title 48 Hour Bender and, if completed as scheduled, is expected to be released in 2011.

SPARTA – Congratulations are in order as our Hall of Fame Senator Robert J. Byrne (I-Spartucky) was reelected in a landslide ballot this past Tuesday.

“It really was something, considering ‘change’ was the theme of this year’s election season,” said Byrne. “I guess this just proves the faith that people have in my ability to look out for them.”

Senator Byrne has already completed 8 terms of office and has yet to decide how much longer to serve. “I just look forward to working for my constituents.”

Brother and teammate, Colonel Scott Byrne, also expressed his pride. “I think it was a real credit to his theme this year, which was ’I won’t sleep (much) on the job.’ It was really something folks could relate to,” said the Colonel. “Plus, I get really good seats at the big ‘ZZM media events!”

HARVARD – We know the Big ‘Un has been out there working hard on the roads this  winter season, but we’ve just about had enough of this white stuff. Yeah, it looks a lot like this here at Harvard Yards, where Baxter’s been forced to dip his business in snowbanks taller than he, just to do his business.

According to The Senator’s media arm, WZZM, we’ve had the most snow since 1951 this season and Opening Day can’t get here fast enough after another successful Winter Fiasco accounted for our Spring Training.

SPARTA – After the success of the Byrne Brothers’ Baby Sitting Service, detailed previously (LINK), Robby has announced a new service, specializing in counseling and coursework to encourange traditional marriage practices.
“I stand for family values and what could be better than the Saturday Evening Post and a few more Norman Rockwell paintings?” asked The Senator recently.
For much more info, paruse a copy of his brochure by clicking HERE.
Best of luck to Byrne in his new venture!

NEW YORK (AP) – Jeff “O.B.” O’Bryan, Kyle “Puff Daddy” Steele and Andy “The Big ‘Un” Albertson – who has recently been noted to have “lost a great deal of weight” – were all named in the long-awaited Mitchell Report on Thursday, an All-Star roster linked to steroids and other performance-enhancing drugs that put a question mark – if not an asterisk – next to some of wiffle ball’s biggest moments.

Dave “Rings” Ringler, already under indictment on charges of lying to a federal grand jury about a 2001 frog incident in Mexico, also showed up in wiffle ball’s most infamous lineup since “Chitwood Asterisk Scandal” of 2002.

The report culminated a 20-month investigation by former Senate Majority Leader George Mitchell, hired by the MWA to examine the Steroids Era.

It was uncertain whether the report would result in any penalties or suspensions.

Several stars named in the report could pay the price in history, much the way Jon “Sugar” Lewis was kept out of the Hall of Fame this year merely because of steroids suspicion.

“Michigan Wiffle Alliance Vice-President Alan “The Kid” Garcia told me that the problem of performance-enhancing substances may be the most serious challenge that wiffle ball has faced since the ‘Asterisk’ scandal,” Mitchell said in the 409-page report.

“The illegal use of anabolic steroids and similar substances, in Garcia’s view, is ‘cheating of the worst sort.’ He believes that it is imperative for Fat Bastard Wiffle Ball to ‘capture the moral high ground’ on the issue and, by words and deeds, make it clear that wiffle ball will not tolerate the use of steroids and other performance-enhancing drugs.”

Eric “EZ-E” Albertson and “Senator” Rob Byrne (I-Sparta) were among other current players named in the report, both linked to Human Growth Hormone, which has been seen mainly in their waist lines.

“We identify some of the players who were caught up in this drive to gain a competitive advantage,” the report said. “Other investigations will no doubt turn up more names and fill in more details, but that is unlikely to significantly alter the description of wiffle ball’s ‘steroids era’ as set forth in this report.”

MILWAUKEE, WI – So a pair of Fatty nincompoops, Rings and the Senator, were quietly minding their own business on the terrace of County Claire and enjoying a cool and refreshing fermented beverage, when who should walk by but fellow Fatty and Milwaukee-native son Matt “Rusty” Hilgers on a quest to avoid the workday.
Hilgers was social enough to sit with his idiot brethren for a creamy stout or two before heading off to meet his new bride – a newlywed’s work is never done, of course.
The remainder of the crew managed to find their way over to Miller Park for a ballgame, where both Fielder and Bonds joined our own Jon “Sugar” Lewis in the “did not homer” statistical column.
You can click on the image for a better look.

MUSKEGON – In the family tradition, Senator Robert J. Byrne (I-Sparta) was recently spotted about town following a late afternoon “business meeting” with undisclosed colleagues.
“The only thing missing was a brown, paper sack,” commented a bystander. “Who keeps electing these people?”
Reached for comment, a spokesman in Mr. Byrne’s office would not confirm or deny the reports of “free beer” in a neighboring state, saying only that the Senator had been very busy recently in preparation for the annual wiffle ball tournament.
“He takes his duties very seriously, and the Fat Bastard is among his highest priorities,” stated the official.
At the time of this writing, no further details were available, but we will look forward to questioning the Senator next week during his tournament press conference.

CNN is reporting a tremendous breakthrough in scientific research regarding breast cancer prevention. LINK.
Contact your friendly, neighborhood Fatty for any assistance in maintaining a healthy lifestyle.
In a semi-related note, the Senator, as a public service, wants to help raise awareness regarding male stupidity: LINK.