- Moop, celebrating his 1st anniversary today. Congrats!

No need to thank us.

Oh my, that time of the summer for wiffleball is finally here. After a great run at Harvard and new Ringler boys on the way, we say a final and heartfelt thanks to Dave and Kelley for hosting a decade worth of memories and debauch. We even managed to play some wiffs!

Now, on to the Little Event, where we thank Dan Ryan for getting Big House Large and whipping up a quickie for us to play. Believe me, this author now knows all too much about whipping it and quickies. All Hail!

So this Lil’ Bastard has a smaller field and a larger field. Only 8 teams, but plenty of extra space form foul pole to foul pole. Using new harder wiffle balls will mean more velocity, but also greater distance when struck. 3 players on D and a larger strike zone. Ah, these times are a changin’.

So let’s take a look at the teams, shall we? PFC Ryan asked me to rank ‘em and I am happy to oblige. But how to rank teams when I don’t know the field? Well, here are some assumptions:

1) Defense, always under-rated, will be of huge concern. Those lazy foul balls I let drop mere inches from me are now fair. Oof. Does that mean I have to run? This is friggin’ wiffleball. Penalty shotgun for Ryan! Outfielders now have real ground to cover. Is it even worth it playing one player up? It is for my team, cause I don’t field. Ever. Just ask Ringler.

2) Power pitching will dominate. Get your hits off of Ryan, EZ, The Byrne Brothers, UKR, OB, and Jack because when B-Tram, Ringler, Kid Garcia, Fruend, Jered, and Moop are on the hill it will be tough swinging indeed.

3) Take Monkeys Beware! A larger strike zone means hit the meat pitch, because that 2 strike ball you take that is 1 inch off the plate is now a strike. Despite my mentioning power pitching as point 2, I think you will see several “are you kidding me” junk ball strikeouts from Robby and the Colonel.

4) Big Time Long Ball will be a difference maker in the middle stages. I predict a walk off from 3 of the following players: Braater, Branch, Ringler, Schultzy, Jered, and Russo.

All that said, here is how I rank ‘em:

1) “Jason Gave’em the Runs”. Dan Ryan – Jason Schultz – Scott Leuchtmann. Dominant pitching, home field advantage, and retard strength in Schultzy. All these guys can hit. B-Tram’s pitching is all the defense he needs. However, how much ground can he cover with the other guys on the hill? With PVT Ryan fully recovered from last years freak injury, Schultzy only needs to get through his one inning relatively unscathed. If they are up by a run or two going into the final two innings, look out! A favorable draw means they avoid early clashes against the #2 and #3 seeded teams. In the end, B-Tram shuts down the side for the title.

2) ”We’re Single Mom Horny”. EZ – Braater – “A To The Kid G” Garcia. Lots of pitching prowess here, and two big bats. However, Kid Garcia has been known to have control problems out of doors. Braater has a big stick, strong hands, and a tight snap dragon. How gay did that sound? Meanwhile: EZ won’t field. He simply won’t. The Big Fella also can’t hit, but yet manages to spray the ball around a bit. He will always throw you strikes, though, so hit the first slow one. The way to beat this team is to field everything, especially anything off of EZ’s bat, hit the slow stuff, avoid the Kid if he starts tossing gas, and challenge them to out drink you. Though the last is a dangerous assignment, EZ is on the team to be the “Enforcer” in that eventuality. EZ will wear his Stu Grimson jersey to keep any nare do well’s from thinking of shotgunning their way past them.

3) “The After Church Cornhole”. Scott Richards – Jeff Freund – Gary Branch. Another entry from the Mr. Roger’s Team Name Consortium. This squad was going to be listed as second by me, but if they drink as harshly as they name their team, they’ll be passed out by noon. This team has a Fatty Championship on their resume and boast fine hitting, defense, and pitching. UKR is down untold pounds since the days of yor, and has a competative streak. Reports are that he throws at his daughter if she crowds the plate on him. Expect defensive gems all day long from the cousin tandem of Fruend and Branch.

4) “The Byrnestein Advantage”. Byrne – Byrne – Ringler. A very potent group here. Sure hands, sure fielding, and sure hitting. The larger field will play very well to The Colonel’s hitting. Ringler’s power arm and propensity to go deep (he is done with hitting doubles, just ask Kelley), coupled with Rob’s fielding make this a tough team to beat. The larger field size helps this team more than just about any other. Ringler will be beside himself when a player on his team actually fields a ball. This teams’ chief problem is its chemistry. It’s too good. Scott will be debating Rob about Concrete Charlie being tougher than Jim Nill, while Ringler throws ball four from laughing. If they can keep the wheels on the cart they may be alright, the best with this team is that nobody has more fun.

5) ”Give’em the Gay Bear”. Moop – OB – Ron Francis. Jack’s team may be better on paper, but as Robby will tell you, it’s not the size of the dog in the fight, it’s the size of the fight in the dog. No one is better at wiffle smack than The Moop. Little Buddy’s back will need to hold up, but his tennis swing will drop hits in all over the field. His step and throw pitching will produce strikes. If Moop shuts his yap long enough to field this is a team that can go places, given the Moop’s legitimate side arm fastball. The Opening game between Moop and Jack’s team will be the most entertaining of the night.

6) “Jack and Vasher went to Jereds”. Jack Russell – Matt Vasher – Jerrod Miller. Tons of softball talent, but that seldom equals wiffle talent. Jered picked up wiffleball – the one time he played – faster than anyone I’ve seen. Newcomers Jered and Vasher could lose a game in the pregame banter with The Moop. Taking wiffle too lightly is a recipe for three and done. They will try not to say “it’s only wiffle”, but once they see B-Tram the tourney is over. Now time to drink some Pimm’s and say “Cucumber? WTF?”

7) ”Fast on Foot, Slow on Team Name”. Joe Russo – Mark Mersman – Matt Bishop. Oh man, will these guys be pissed that they are ranked this far down. Sorry fellas, speed and athleticism give way to blubber and hardened livers in the great sport of wifflball. Merz will be a fielding demon, but let’s see how he pitches (and swings from the right side of the plate). Russo always improves, but down time between games means too many beers he downs. This group is my choice for Mongo Bowl Champs.

8 ) ”Three Rights Make a Left”. Larry Ziser –Rudy Faber- T-Willie. Great guys, hard competators, and a fair amount of talent. They should field well, T-Willie and Larry can cover ground. Rudy will drive the odd ball deep. An opening round game against “We’re Single Mom Horny” is not the ideal draw. No matter what though, these guys will give “The Byrnestein Advantage” all kinds of trouble going for Team Who Had The Most Fun Award.

In the end it will be the battle of the middle rounds that will have the best wiffs. Games E, G, and potentially H will be competative affairs with gentlemenly play, if not gentlemenly smells and language.

Thanks again Ryan. Everyone is looking forward to seeing longtime waffle friends for a couple of days.

Best of luck all!

Cheers!

EZ-E

Local News WZZM 13 is reporting a fire at the Westwood Inn, just off m-57 in Greenville, where we ventured out from Harvard Yards to have a look.

Long time spectators will recognize the jacuzzi suite at the Westwood, where the on-the-field (and perhaps off-the-field) fortunes of the Wisconsin lads took a turn to the better after reorganizing their captainship and relocating their team headquarters from their previous quarters at the Winter Inn.

For more details of the fire, check out the coverage HERE.

Here’s the direct LINK: http://www.locallybuzzed.com/

According to Dr. Karen Weatherby, a gerontologist and author of the study, gawking at women’s breasts is a healthy practice, almost at par with an intense exercise regime, that prolongs the lifespan of a man by five years.

She added, “Just 10 minutes of staring at the charms of a well-endowed female, is roughly equivalent to a 30-minute aerobics work-out.”

A five-year research on 500 men
Researchers at three hospitals in Frankfurt, Germany did an in-depth analysis of 200 healthy males over a period of five years. Half the volunteers were instructed to ogle at the breasts of women daily, while the rest were told to refrain from doing so.

At the close of the study, the researchers noted that the men who stared at the breasts of females on a regular basis exhibited lower blood pressure, slower resting pulse rates and lesser episodes of coronary artery disease.

Sexual desire linked to better blood circulation
The researchers declared that sexual desire gives rise to better blood circulation that signifies an overall improved health.

Weatherby explained the concept stating, “Sexual excitement gets the heart pumping and improves blood circulation. There’s no question: Gazing at breasts makes men healthy.

“Our study indicates that engaging in this activity a few minutes daily cuts the risk of stroke and heart attack in half. We believe that by doing so consistently, the average man can extend his life four to five years.”

In addition, she also recommended that men over 40 should gaze at larger breasts daily for 10 minutes.

The German research is believed to be published in the New England Journal of Medicine.

LINK

Would you trust this man with your Fatty?

With the haitus of the Fatty over the 2010 season, Private Ryan has picked up the reins with his own mini-version, “The Lil’ Bastard,” scheduled to take place at the end of next month.

Eight squads of three mixed & matched Fatties have been chosen to fill out the lineup for his newly minted field. We’ll have a little summary on tap soon…