2005 Scouting Reports

Posted by The Fatty

In
27Jan 08

The Joy of Sechs
HARVARD – A six pack of fun was on hand – and then some – as Harvard Yards has once again sorted the posers and pretenders from the legitimate claims of glory. Illinois left without a title as they managed to have the Fat Bastard VI hardware wrestled from their grasp. The WiffleHouse’s Roscoe P. Coltrane finally broke through the plastic ceiling after years of heartbreak…well, a certain Washington import of “O” Henry didn’t hurt…to claim the 2005 Fat Bastard Championship. They also managed to claim history’s second “*”…a notable disappointment for an MWA member.
It wasn’t just the outhouses that worked up a stink either, as the ultimate sandbaggers, Mail Order Brides, finally came up with a good team name, but didn’t change their habit of preying on the easy competition to claim their third consecutive Baxter Bowl Title.
Ten states were represented this year at Harvard, and notable newcomers included Best Team Name winners’ The Pabst Smears and their “Drunk Guy of the Year” award-winner Brad Mixan. Stormin’ Mormon’s the Bash Brothers were also fun like a Barrel of Monkeys as they made their debut with a contrasting hitting (plenty) and pitching (none) display.
The entire Windy City Wiffleballer’s were also on hand as Lonnie “The Professor” Rucker was a notable participant in the full Fatty activities and Jimmy “Chitwood” Galvan claimed his unprecedented third “Most Valuable Player Award.”

1. (3) Roscoe P. Coltrane*.
Alan “Fattened Stats” Garcia, Scott “Ump” Umphrey, Tom “O” Henry (Essexville, MI).
Longtime underachievers, Garcia brought in a ringer in the form of Henry and rode his rubber arm to a title, finally bringing the Championship back to Michigan after a 3 year haitus. Timely hitting and Garcia’s big stick helped get them Hazzard County boys the lead and Big T made ‘it stand up all day. The WiffleHouse earns history’s second “*”, however, as un-Fatty-like behavior has them joining the original Windy City lads in an eternal curse from the grave of Billy Martin.

2. (4) 80 Foot Dongs.
Jimmy “Chitwood” Galvan, Rob “Chi-Town” Payton, Cesar “All Hail” Hernandez (Steger, IL).
Another MVP from Galvan was not enough to will his team to a title, despite a valliant run through the bracket in an attempt to keep the hardware in Illinois. Even better, these guys have lightened up and partake in as much fun as anyone at Harvard, including J Bombs, painted vans, and a slow dance or two with each of the lovely ladies. Chi-Town and Cesar perfected their belly laughs and Chit kept firing white noise in between boasts regarding his first-place White Sox.

3. (1) Def Leprechaun.
“Action” Pat Hillary, Kevin “Jack and Jill Went up the” Hillary (Grand Rapids, MI).
The pair of Irish Cannons may have hit their peak, as they took a slight step backwards after a near-miss in ’04. There wasn’t quite enough offense to overcome a few slip-ups on the hill, and they boys were sent packing short of the finals. After falling victim to the curse of the number one ranking, the question is now where to go from here…regroup for another run at the title or slide back near the keg with the rest of the motley mess who call themselves athletes.

4. (7) Boys Named Sue.
Eric “EZ-E” Albertson, Dave “F*ckin’” Ringler (Harvard, MI).
The Men in Black surprised even themselves this year, after a couple of years of clinging’ to title-run hopes. They figured to mail it in this year and join the Baxter Bowl hopefuls, but found themselves in relatively good form for the first time in years. Ringler managed to hit the ball again – which was a nice change – and EZ-E was able to pitch out of a few jams, recalling the sneaky “backdoor” man of yesteryear before the Boys caught a bad bout of insobriety and fell victim to a lack of athleticism.

5. (6) Obviously, You’re Not a Golfer.
Dustin “The Wind” Nichols, Elliot “E.T.” Nichols (Lansing, MI).
Despite a year of practice with their own field in Lansing, those Nichols lads weren’t able to improve much from the year before. Elliot was ready to go home after enduring a pounding on his ERA, following a pre-tourney scoreless pitching streak in Lansing, and Dut was just happy there was still plenty of cold beverage after a long day’s work. These guys will be back, however, and will still remain a threat as they’ll actually improve with age, contrary to most of the rest of the field.

6. (8) Don’t The French Have Subways Too?.
Corbin “The Moop” Owens, Trey “The Bookie” Sumner (Grand Rapids, MI).
Their motto that “winning ugly is still winnin’, ” was never more appropriate than during their early day run. These two French-haters nearly snuck all the way through the winners’ bracket before reality came crashing down on them like a pair of aces in the hole. Talkin’ sh*it only takes you so far and it’s likely back to government sponsored tourism for at least one of them next year, which likely means the remainder will be drinkin’ for two.

7. (9) Women Are From Venus, We’re From Uranus.
Scott “The Colonel” Byrne, Rob “The Senator” Byrne (Sparta, MI).
Another fine effort by the Byrne brothers as opponents were left scratching their heads and wondering who stole all the beer out of their coolers. Steller defense, tough outs and steady, if unremarkable, pitching continued to best most foes. However, they did even better as spectators and bar-hoppers, as the only thing funnier than these two reciting play-by-play was Scotty Richards and his bag of potato chips.

8. (5) Two Jerks & A Squirt.
Mike “Meat” Lurvey, Sean “Rocket” McCarthy, David “Locked & Loaded” Salim. (Pittsburgh, PA).
A car full of Yeunglins’ won plenty of hearts again this year but last year’s rookie-of-the year squad couldn’t, unfortunately, improve upon their stellar outing of ’04. The Rocket wasn’t quite in the same level of practice as a year ago and the Meat would’ve been a fine nominee for “Drunk Guy” if not for Mixan, so it was a step backward on the pitch for the Men of Steel. They were still a top-half team however and remain a threat for loftier heights in the future.

9. (19) Plastic Men.
Mitch “Jimmy” Carter, Jeremy “Hash Bash” DeMinck (Chicago, IL).
A new Chicago crew headed north to Harvard, and spent most of their time looking at the scenery – they just wouldn’t swing the bat – but managed to walk their way to a few wins and a top half finish in their Fatty debut. A quiet group, they probably still aren’t quite sure what the hell was going on here in Harvard as this was unlike any of those “other” wiffle tournaments out there. Hopefully, they managed a few laughs, and they’ll get a little b.p. in for the next effort.

10. (10) Clinton Principles.
Troy “Clark” Kent, Dave “Atta Boy” Ferguson, Nathan “Fish” Hulst. (Anchorage, AK).
They managed to get the smoke signal up to the Fortress of Solitude and the boys hopped on the canoe coming down from the Tundra to beat up on some drunks and some girls as these die-hard right wingers finished right about where they were supposed to: in the top ten. Next year, bring us some Anchorage brew and we’ll see about movin’ you up to #9!

11. (13) Bubba’s Playmates.
B.J. “Bear” Meyaard, Virgil “Poon” Strang. (Zeeland, MI).
Virgil tried to burn down his house with some voodoo ceremony and we understand the whole township over there is dry, so it took a little longer to get the fire put out. All all that moxie showed up on the field, however, in a slight improvement for the boys from Zeeland. It could be their strategery of hiding their defense with camoflage or bringing along their own scorekeeper, but an easier draw and a few breaks might move these guys right up the ladder easier than all that Fire Marshall Bill hocus-pocus.

12. (14) Pabst Smear.
Brad “Homebrew” Mixan, Scott “Number Crunch” Sarnacke, “Dandy” Andy Schirmer (Indianapolis, IN / Irvington, NY).
The 2005 Rookies of the Year showed up from Indy with a belly full of cheer. Taking home “Best Team Name” and Mixan’s “Drunk Guy” show was only topped by ordering a “Cleveland Steamer” at the local Taco Grande. They could actually play a little bit, too, although that wasn’t nearly as interesting as just watching this triumvirate’s hijinks. A sure bet to date Ringler’s mom if they make it past Chitwood.

13. (2) Dazed & Confused.
Lonnie “The Professor” Rucker, Eric “It’s Good to be” King, Tom “J.R.” Ewing (Markham, IL).
Defending Champion, MVP and Hair Club for Men spokesperson, Lonnie “The Professor” pulled himself away from his Internet casino gig to bring a new crew of teammates up to Harvard, only to fall victim to the ladies’ Jager Bomb lair on Friday night. A top shelf performance was turned in by King and Ewing, however, as the portable keg ‘o homebrew was never far from hand. It’s good to leave Psycho at home and get Snoop Drunky Poo.

14. (20) The Cleveland Steamers.
Andy “The Big ‘Un” Albertson, Jeff “O.B.” O’Bryan (Grand Rapids, MI).
These guys are just too good to land in the Baxter Bowl – and refuse to sandbag it – but untalented enough to have no chance at moving up much further. Now a swingin’ single, The Big ‘Un, was the life of the party until everyone got a look at O.B.’s “worm”…how are you supposed to top that?!? A great team-name effort just missed the hardware but they’ll be back for another Hall of Fame effort now that we’ve decided Little Buddy looks just like Paul Konerko…but just a “little bit” shorter.

15. (24) Goin Deep with the Paralyzer.
Lloyd “The Paralyzer” Fuller, “Big” Bob Gillard (Saginaw, MI).
The legendary Paralyzer was kicked to the curb by AG and formed his own squad of lady-killers and folically proud physical specimens. Fortunately, Big Bob could pitch a little bit as the Paralyzer only had enough pop in his “big stick” to win one game…against the girls. The whole story would probably make a pretty good podcast…or at least recounting 2004′s world Twister title.

16. (16) Cmoniwannalaya.
Susan “Zanner” Sheppard, Jen “Jansma” Sumner, Stephanie “Mini” Cooper, Kelley “Kelley” Ringler (Grand Rapids, MI).
Oh, what could’ve been! The prettiest squad in show-business, the ladies were disadvantaged when Jansma was forced to play through injury. They were still tough to beat, however, as concentration and ligament problems for the opposition made it difficult to battle the ladies’ defense and pitching prowess. They just missed a dream match-up against the French, but still managed a solid win and the ability to move up with a healthy showing next year.

17. (23) From Russia With Love.
Terry “The Professor” VandenAkker, “Big” Russ Taber (Grand Rapids, MI).
A pairing with some potential, The Professor and Big Russ should only improve with a little experience and some practice. The Iron Curtain fell a bit too early this year, as some pitching help from the Politburo would’ve helped break the seige of the strike zone before things got out of hand. As it was, they had it surrounded, but couldn’t hit the (red) square often enough. We’ll witness it all, as well, as the KGB cameras were out to capture the day’s action…especially the girl-on-girl scenes.

18. (21) Rumpleforeskin.
Scotty “Beam Me Up” Richards, Dr. Gary “Broken” Branch, Jeff “Sigmund” Freund (Ellsworth, MI).
Despite nearly molesting a bag of potato chips in public, the ‘Foreskins were solid in their virgin experience. We’re suspicious that Branch just plays a doctor on t.v., ’cause they all had a little trouble “operating” anywhere but near the ladies or the refreshments. Even better, these guys were top ten for Friday’s ice cream social, so their talents may be just a day early and could improve with a good practice game of “shirts ‘n skins.”

19. (17) Mail Order Brides.
Ron “Don’t Call Me” Francis “Or I’ll Kill Ya”, Scott “Poor S.O.B.” Graves (Cedar Springs, MI).
Their name may be permanently entered in the Hall of Shame as these sandbaggers went and did it again, claiming their third consecutive Baxter Bowl crown. They mysterously find a way to lose early, only to find their groove like Stella after the mid-day break. We are wondering if we should smite them, but they have too many of our little trophies by now. At least they came up with a good team name this year.

20. (18) Bash Brothas.
Josh “Chucky” Steiger, Drew “Chewy” Cooper, Adam “Hey Guy” Dove (Provo, UT).
Fortunately, these Mormon guys were too busy knocking balls over the fence and failed to find the time to claim any of our women-folk for their collection. They couldn’t pitch a lick, however, and it proved their undoing as they battled their way though the Baxter Bowl before falling in the finals. A word of advice in the future, however: there’s no baserunning in Fat Bastard wiffle ball.

21. (12) The Underhill Tab.
Larry “Legend” Zeiser, Tim “T-Willie” Willie (Philadelphia, PA/Buffalo, NY).
Larry Legend took a few sips of Cuervo and picked himself a Bills fan as T-Willie brought some fun and his new bride to the show, but unfortunately, left his game at home with Zeiser’s. It’s a good thing they both have keys to the bar, as they now hold the record for fanning against Jansma’s pitching. These two were forced to take out their frustrations on any ears within heckling distance with a fine face-saving effort.

22. (15) Gacy At The Bat.
Joe “Jose” Turnes, Jon “Sugar” Lewis, Tim “Goaler” Wawrzyniak (Grand Haven, MI).
The serial killers will suited ‘em up again, put the lotion in the basket, and played dead as the clown face bacame a frown face, claiming only a Baxter Bowl win, along with at least a cooler’s worth of canned beverages. They came up just short in their grudge match against the Steamers, but did manage to avoid sleeping with the Big ‘Un on their first date.

23. (11) Jimmy’s Hat.
Ryan “Where You” Breen, Josh “J-Kem” Kemmerer (Michigan City, IN).
What happened here?!? We need of a cleanup in aisle 11! These guys showed some promise after last year, but came out a layed an egg in ’05, worse than a warm macro-beer. After leading the tourney in taters last year, the Jimmy Hat’s couldn’t hit or pitch their way out of a wet paper 40 oz. sack. Our guess is that it was just a bad day, but at least there’s plenty of room to improve.

24. (22) George Kennedy’s Snowshoes.
Matt “Rusty” Hilgers, Steve “Cougar” Peavler (Milwaukee, WI).
Still our favorites, these guys are the wifflers that made Milwaukee famous…unfortunately, it’s not famous for wiffle ball. Ice Cream Social legends, Rusty and Cougar must’ve expended all their energy spooning at the Winter Inn on Friday as they still didn’t have enough to claim their first Fatty win. We’ll keep ‘em on speed dial, however, as they’re about to be Hall of Fame eligible and performances like theirs are what it’s all about (at least off the field).