The Good, The Fat and the Ugly

HARVARD – The annual hen-pecking has finally been settled for 2004 as we’ve seen the conclusion of Fat Bastard V. A Galvan was finally defeated, but the championship hardware returns to Illinois nonetheless as Windy City colleagues Ebony & Ivory claim the Fat Bastard crown for 2004.
This Fat Bastard was the greatest event yet as teams were welcomed from seven states and many squads turned in strong performances…others, unfortunately, slightly less so.
Among the “Playas” – both the ladies’ squads: The Ho-Ho’s and USB moved on up, along with OB’s Teabag Fantasy, The Hooknuts and Joe Average White Guy. Among the “Ugly” – Rollie’s Finger, Don’t Itch That and Odoriferous Discharge who must all wait until 2005 to redeem themselves.
All this and more has been decided in 2004, the latest and greatest edition of Fat Bastard Wiffle Ball and our annual tribute to the Good, the Fat and the Ugly!

1. (3) Ebony & Ivory.
Lonnie “The Professor” Rucker, Dave “Psycho” Kale. (Markham, IL).
Fresh off the probation list – after a strong appeal to the Committee – Psycho proves himself to be the world’s greatest GM in selecting the tournament MVP as his teammate for the second time. The Professor was gettin’ jiggy with batters as he baffled hitters and left pitchers discombobulated, leading Ebony & Ivory to a perfect 6-0 record. The Windy City boys allowed only 4 runs on the day and Lonnie provided ample solicitation as the new “official” sponsor for Hair Club for Men to go with a celebratory cool, refreshing, fermented beverage.

2. (2) The Motherload.
“Action” Pat Hillary, Kevin “Jack and Jill Went up the” Hillary (Grand Rapids, MI).
These guys have done nothing but improve and they were completely worthy of their ranking. A dominating pitching tandem dragged their sticks along to a championship showdown with E & I. Kevin and Patrick took turns perplexing opponents’ sticks and even downed a few Coronitas in an effort to uphold Michigan’s hopes against Illinois. Speculation says next year’s squad includes patriarch Don, if for no other reason than to bury opponents in old beer T-shirts.

3. (14) The Hooknuts.
Mike “Hook” Lurvey, Sean “Rocko” McCarthy, David “Sailor” Salim. (Pittsburgh, PA).
Dialing in and kicking ass from the Steel City, in between sips of Yuenglings, are a team of new fan favorites – who were kind enough to bring along a few cases of Pennsylvania’s favorite suds for the ride. Rocko was amazing and nearly carried the ‘Nuts to victory as they battled their way through the loser’s bracket to the edge of glory. The long day took its toll, however, and the lads ran out of gas in the end, but should return a strong contender next year if they can make it out of the opening game into the winner’s bracket.

4. (1) Two Pump Chumps.
Jimmy “Chitwood” Galvan, Bob “Shaggy” Hawkins, Rob “Chi-Town” Payton (Steger, IL).
It turns out Jimmy’s golden arm was still attached, but it had turned to fools gold as he struggled to find his groove with a few new teammates. They had more fun than a human should be allowed, however, and damn-near overslept through the first round after falling prey to a bit of fermented sabotage on Friday night -don’t worry, we’ll hide the incriminating photos. Rob and Bob are legends in the making…if there’s a hall of fame for Jager Bombs.

5. (5) Carney Freaks.
Trevor “Zeptepi” Collie, Joe “Lefty” Slotowski. (Sycamore, IL).
Zeptepi had a new strategy this year – he brought a friggin’ teammate! Lefty proved a good choice in claiming the Good Hands Award, but the lads fell in a controversial shortened game and never could not recover to battle on in the loser’s bracket. On the bright side, they did help us stock the fridge with some LaCrosse City Beer and helped us put the F-U in our Friday night fun, which is slowly becoming the “must attend” portion of tournament weekend.

6. (9) “Big Hitter, The ‘Lama.”
Dustin “The Wind” Nichols, Elliot “Ness” Nichols. (Lansing, MI).
These Caddyshack brothers were back for their finest showing yet as Elliot had a year of experience under his belt and Dustin continued to improve on the mound. Although they can’t weigh more than a buck sixty collectively – we might need to force-feed them some cheeseburgers to get them up to proper Fat Bastard playing weight – these two continue to move up the polls and may be a dark horse pick to challenge for the title in 2005. Just a reminder…if you kill all the go-fers, they’ll lock you up and throw away the key…

7. (6) Lamda, Lamda, Lamda.
Eric “EZ-E” Albertson, Dave “F*ckin’” Ringler (Harvard, MI).
Fat, slow and drunk is no way to get through the tournament and the last champion team from Michigan is dangerously close to falling permanently into the second tier. The Tri-Lams still manage to draw the WiffleHouse – and therefore, at least one win – but can’t do much with that bit of luck other than collect brews out of everyone’s cooler for their own vile purposes. Rumor has it they plan to run off to Europe next year in the hopes of eliminating sobriety for the entire summer, rather than just the month of August.

8. (11) Wiffin’ & Moanin’.
Dave “Atta Boy” Ferguson, Troy “Clark” Kent, Nathan “Fish” Hulst. (Anchorage, AK).
After, tearing himself from fishing in Alaska, Hulst joins former MCC ballplayers, “Clark” Kent and Fergie, in between their poker games and conversations with Johnny Walker to join the fray at Harvard Yards. They quietly moaned their way into the top half of their wiff competition behind a steady team effort and sips from a brown paper sack – we liked the effort and will send a smoke signal to begin training for ’05.

9. (17) Joe Average White Guy.
Ben “There” Taylor, Ryan “How You” Breen. (Michigan City, IN).
The honkey’s prayers were answered to the tune of a few wins as these Indiana transplants arrived just in time to take part in the Fatty extravaganza. Ryan tossed enough game to keep ‘em in the game while Gentle Ben, a seminarian(!!), must still wonder what the hell he got into as he was somehow hoodwinked into participating in this pathetic display of athletic ability. We’ll be praying he’s not standing next to EZ-E when the rapture begins!

10. (4) Honolulu Blue.
Alan “Conseco” Garcia, Scott “Ump” Umphrey, Lloyd “Paralyzer” Fuller (Essexville, MI).
After a heartbreaking and controversial ousting last year, when the stars and the bracket seemed finally to align for WiffleHouse’s finest, they went out and got all dressed up – and laid an egg. A disappointing run this year will have Garcia thinking reorganization for ’05 as the boys in the EZ-E tribute jerseys were barely able to drown their sorrows, much less make it past round three, nearly falling victim to the charms of the Seymour Butts squad…perfectly understandable…but unexpected from a contender.

11. (8) Rectum? Damn Near Killed’m!
Scott “The Colonel” Byrne, Robert “The Senator” Byrne (Sparta, MI).
A strict off-season train regiment of chasing their little Byrne boys all over the yard and drinking their weight in Old Style kept the Byrne Brothers in top “team name” condition, enabling them to bring home their second award to go with their golf trophies. A tough draw for anyone, they remain a competitive squad both on the field and next to the cooler. They’re probably your best bet for directions to the Harvard Tavern and late-night glass-eyes around the campfire.

12. (19) OB’s Teabag Fantasy.
Joe “Jose” Turnes, Jon “Sugar” Lewis, Tim “Goaler” Warzniak. (Grand Haven, MI).
A supreme effort as Sugar is back was the saddle with the same teammate for the first time ever (!) and included reinforcements: The Goaler left all the mail in his truck and joined the fray. They claimed a couple of victories this year and eked their way into the top half of the rankings. Proudly, they also managed to avoid voting for themselves in all the awards this year. The Sugar watch goes on, however, as he still failed to homer, leaving him without for the fourth year.

13. (18) Jose & Cuervo.
Larry “Legend” Zeiser, Pat “Riser” Zeiser. (Philadelphia, PA).
Larry the Legend brought his brother along this year in between slingin’ drinks and keeping tabs on his saloon empire. The duo put on an outstanding performance on the field, behind the fences as “hecklers of the year” and with a few bottles of tequila. Although we worry about what happened to the worm, we’ll also have to nail down his tent next year to prevent the whole thing from disappearing in the middle of the semi-final round. They don’t do wiffle like this is Philly, do they boys?

14. (7) Don’t Itch That, It Spreads.
Corbin “The Moop” Owens, Scott “Soup” VanLente (Grand Rapids, MI).
Returning from “somewhere in the middle east,” the Moop rejoined Soup in an attempt to revisit their former #1 ranking. That “high ranking” part didn’t work out, as Soup forgot to bring a road map to the strike zone, and these two continued to drop in the rankings. It was good to have the Moop back on the hot mike, however, and Soup will be better prepared next year as two-a-days will start in the early weeks of July and he can hopefully avoid running off to family duties and enjoy the festivities a bit longer…a few more wins would help.

15. (16) Bust Our Cherry.
B.J. “Bear” Meyaard, Dustin “Hose Head” TenBrink, Virgil “Poon” Strang. (Zeeland, MI).
These guys claimed to be virgins or something, but they may as well have been deflowered by John Holmes as they fell to a very tough draw in the early rounds, facing two of the top three finishing teams. Rest assured a steady offseason diet consisting of canned Pabst and a few swings in the spring will have them back in the saddle again soon and ready to move up in ’05 with a little easier road. Side bets were taken on whether they were Chix or Dux…is wagering allowed in Zeeland?

16. (22) The Ho-Ho’s.
Susan “Zanner” Sheppard, Dee “Houghton” Albertson, Kelley “Kelley-Kelley” Ringler (Grand Rapids, MI).
They’re rolled tight with extra creamy filling! These ladies continued to wow the crowds and took another victory this year. After mercying (!) their opening round opponent, they put the rest of the Fatties on notice that they weren’t just pretty faces. These wiffle treats couldn’t make it all the way to dessert, however, and they had to settle for a move up the rankings and a few dead camera batteries as fans kept the flashbulbs – at a minimum – popping again this year.

17. (24) University of Seymour Butts: The Wiffle-leader Squad.
Jen “Jansma” Sumner, Stephanie “Mini” Cooper, Kari “Snake Eyes” Engen, Liz “Do Me a” Faber (Lowell, MI).
Forced to recruit after teammate Red begged off in ’04, Jansma came up with a crew of lookers to help pass the time while spouse Trey is stationed in Iraq. Mini, Snake Eyes and Faber mastered a crash course in wiffle, pitching tents, and Jager Bombs, not necessarily in that order. The “All Enthusiasm” team won hearts and even a ball game as opponents suffered severe eye strain and a hangover if they dared visit the USB tent village.

18. (21) Task Force Sumner.
Drew “Nooner” Nooney, Will “I’m Not Joe” Farrington, Chris “Gesundheit” Jozwiak (Grand Rapids, MI).
Sergeant Sumner’s Lonely Hearts Club Band filled in admirably for Trey, while he served in Iraq – they got their asses kicked by the girls team and ended up on contention for the “drunk guy” award…at least there were no soccer balls involved. Nooner led this team of vagabonds through their paces, although they were tough to recognize without the Friday’s stripes and flip some bottles around in between at-bats. Don’t forget to tip your server!

19. (20) Thick, Pungent, Odoriferous Discharge.
Ron “Don’t Call Me” Francis “Or I’ll Kill Ya”, Scott “Poor S.O.B.” Graves (Cedar Springs, MI).
As the first team to win both the championship and the Baxter Bowl, these two sandbaggers decided they liked the Baxter Bowl better, becoming the second team to repeat. Ron battled teammate fatigue and rehab following minor surgery n his non-throwing arm due to a “repetitive stress” injury…hmmm… Poor Scott promised to hang with the big dogs all night, but packed it in and headed for the barn following a late night phone call from the missus to “not forget to pick up milk and bread.”

20. (10) Flawless Victory.
Todd “Pig” Daniels, Rob “Big Dog” Beard (Chicago, IL).
Returning after a one-year haitus, Daniels led a revamped team, hauling in former teammate, Big Dog, to the Big Show after his initial partner fell through. Patience is a virtue and these guys make you throw strikes, but couldn’t muster enough offense to make it through the Baxter Bowl bracket. Piggy Daniels even brought his Michigander girlfriend this year and got his picture in the paper. We’re sure she’s very proud.

21. (12) El Guapo.
Ryan “Slingin’” Stambaugh, Jim “Butterbean” Butterly. (Plano, TX).
From the Lone Star State come a couple of nervous transplants who saddled up for the journey to Harvard Yards and they brought their lawn chairs with ‘em. In between nappy times, the boys made friends in their Tigers’ and Lions’ attire and, although there were no gringos falling from the sky, Butterbean made the long drive home much more palatable after hitting a walk-off against the Big ‘Un in the Baxter semis. We’ll hope there’s enough frequent flier miles saved up to take a flight next year!

22. (13) Rollie’s Finger.
Jeff “O.B.” O’Bryan, Andy “Big ‘Un” Albertson (Grand Rapids, MI).
Perennial fan-favorites actually moved up the rankings after a stellar showing in 2003 in which the Big ‘Un took pitching lessons from old classic footage of Hoyt Wilhelm and Hall of Famer O.B. distracted opponents with his “Worm”. It was back to reality this year, however, as Butterbean took the Carhardt Comet deep and O.B. had his haircut way too long. The race will be on beginning in ’05 to see who will be the first to claim their third Baxter Bowl title.

23. (15) Sons of Adam West.
Steve “Cougar” Peavler, Matt “Rusty” Hilgers (Milwaukee, WI).
These two dingbats crossed the pond again, pretty proud of their rise in the rankings following their debut in ’03. Oh well, at least we had a few laughs on Friday night! Milwaukee’s Best were up against it on the ball field this year, but never let their troubles keep ‘em down…they relied on various unhealthy intoxicants for such duty. Good thing they kept the utility belt close by at all times. The running bet is their hotel alias this year was either Arthur Fonzerilli (9:2) or Gene Wilder (8:1).

24. (23) Marilyn Chambers Does Our Taxes.
Greg “Bockasaurus” Bockenstette, Todd “Mary Ann” Visnaw. (Grand Rapids, MI).
Every girl’s crazy ’bout sharp dressed men…especially when they can whip the pants off of ‘em. The Bock squad took a defeat at the hands of the other girls team, after losing to the first one last year, and compensated for it by passing out in the scorer’s tent. Legal Beagle Visnaw was unable to secure a favorable verdict, but on a happy note, the only way to go from here is up, fellas…and we hope you saved the receipts for those suits!

Biggest Movers:
The Hooknuts +11 / Flawless Victory -10

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