Crowned!
The results are in and the rankings have been reshuffled to reflect the events of August 9th, the latest Fat Bastard
HARVARD – The questions were many and all of them have been answered: The unprecedented Galvan brothers have repeated as Fat Bastard Champions for 2003, this time in legitimate fashion as the duo avoided any of the controversy of 2002 in a fair and balanced effort.
The pre-tournament poll was not too far off in many instances as many teams settled at or near their predicted rankings. Several surprises were in order, however, as many teams showed improvement. Pilear Plasteach, Sweet Thunder, Goose and Mav, and Pelee Island all proved to be worthy Fat Bastards. Others slumped a bit as poor conditioning and thirst overtook more than a few. Venerable Bovine, Can You Feel My Thumb?, Three Men Hangin’ Five, and Fummundercheese all proved themselves to be not quite worthy of their lofty status.
Read below to find out who did what as the latest AP poll avoids any split championships to reflect each teams final place in the 2003 Fat Bastard tale.
It’s not who wins, it’s how you play the game!
1. (1) Results of Mom’s Passion.
Jimmy “Chitwood” Galvan, John “Mr. April” Galvan (Steger, IL). 
An unprecedented wire-to-wire performance by the pride of Windy City. Chitwood repeated as MVP and seemed to get every timely hit he needed. He also avoided the embarrassment of last year’s “*” debacle by participating in all Fatty activities. Jimmy also sported a nice Steger jersey from High School and John managed to avoid telling too many people about his brother’s “gay lovin’” vanity plate.
2. (2) The Bridesmaids.
Teddy “Ballgame” Braam, Steve “Jake” Jacoby, Dave “Lulu” Lutz. (Greenville, MI). 
These guys were aptly named as they just couldn’t hold off Mom’s Passion despite leading in both games against them. Teddy Ballgame threw well again from the hill, although did not show the power of ’02. Jake and Lulu contributed more than enough offense, however, to get to the finals in a controversial win over Lord of the Ringlers. Half of Greenville seemed to arrive to cheer them on in the Championship, but once a Bridesmaid, always it seems, and they’ll have to look to next year to get their ring.
3. (11) Sweet Thunder.
Brian “Brater” Braat, Ben “Dyke” Dykhouse (Kentwood, MI). 
As predicted, these guys learned fast from their exhibitions in ’02, to easily become the “team of the future” with a strong performance, led by Brater and his Defensive Player of the Year award. Both men pitched well and hit enough to win it all, but an extra-inning loss and a bottom-of-the-last-inning loss prevented them from making it to the Championship. We’re not too sure how the Calvin Alumni Association is going to feel about it, but it’s a safe bet that we’ll be hearing from these guys again in ’04 as they move up 8 spots in the poll.
4. (3) Lord of the Ringlers.
Alan “Conseco” Garcia, Scott “Ump” Umphrey, Lloyd “Paralyzer” Fuller (Essexville, MI). 
Always in contention, the stars seemed to align for the boys of the MMWA, the betting man’s favorite. The Lords cruised to the semi-finals before bowing in a controversial 6-5 loss. Garcia was named Pitcher of the Year, but it wasn’t enough. They did impress the voters, however, with a solid group of fans who made the trip across the state and, of course, the Paralyzer, who remains the “Sugar-Dick-Daddy Mr. Long” of the plastic universe.
5. (14) Pelee Islanders.
Brian “Canadian” Stackpoole, Kevin “Bacon” Stackpoole, Brian “The Legend of Harper Woods” Toth (Leamington, ON).
Solid as the Ambassador Bridge and funny as a Loony dollar, these guys not only showed up early enough on Friday to help out the grounds crew, but they managed to stash their mascot until the opening game. Strong arms pushed this crew to contender status as the Maple Leafs did their bit to improve international relations by beating up on a bunch of us Americans. The highest risers in the poll, we’ll vouch for ‘em next year if customs gives ‘em any trouble at the border.
6. (7) Pilear Plasteach.
“Action” Pat Hillary, Kevin “Jack and Jill Went up the” Hillary (Grand Rapids, MI). 
The Hillary brothers continued their improvement, although they blew their wad early winning both their grudge matches against My Thumb and Fried Chicken to pretty much make ’03 a huge success. They dominated from the hill as they split enough votes for Pitcher of the Year that either one of them would have been a deserving candidate. Somebody’s gotta push Pat back off the wagon, or these two will end up winning the Fat Bastard Crown one of these days!
7. (4) Can You Feel My Thumb? (I Have Two More…) .
Eric “EZ-E” Albertson, Dave “F*ckin’” Ringler, Scott Van”Lentle Soup” (Harvard, MI).
Age and gravity seem to be catching up with these guys as they spent as much time playing with their digits as playing any good ball. They suffered an opening round defeat and ran out of gas trying to fight their way back through the bracket. Soup and EZ tried to keep opposing sticks off balance from the south, but Rings couldn’t get it done at the plate or on the hill as these former champs drop three spots in the poll and may be looking to follow Fummundercheese into the Baxter Bowl before long.
8. (8) Four Fried Chickens and a Coke.
Scott “The Colonel” Byrne, Robert “The Senator” Byrne (Sparta, MI). 
Another fine run by the Byrne Brothers, who never seem to have a really bad game. Running again late into the day, two narrow losses kept these two from loftier status, although success made it tough to steal away to the Harvard Tavern this year. They did manage to turn in a 14 hour bender, however, even though they’d been accused by one opponent of being “too sober.” They’re working on a team for the 2023 Fatty as three more little Byrne’s are collectively in training.
9. (5) I Got Worms.
Dustin “The Wind” Nichols, Elliot “Ness” Nichols (Lansing, MI). 
Another brother team, the Nichols boys continue to show plenty of talent and will surely move up the board in the future as Elliot proved himself a fine Fatty in his debut effort. Former batting champion, Dustin, is always a tough out and continues to improve his pitching. They slipped a bit in the poll this time around, but smart money says they’ll be back and better in ’04. Would speed improvement with a steady diet of Pabst and some Harvard Tavern pattie melts as a good stiff breeze just might sweep these two away.
10. (13) Monkey Island Wifflers.
Steve “Cougar” Peavler, Matt “Buster” Hilgers (Milwaukee, WI). 
Trip across the pond will be shorter next year with that new ferry into Muskegon. The boys from Wisconsin submitted to their much anticipated Fat Bastard deflowering, showing up early on Friday, just to be sure to get prime space in the refrigerator so as to keep all their beverages cool and refreshing. Hilgers swears he’s no relation to Rusty, but we’re not so sure after seeing his arm. Peavler left an extra ticket at the box office just in case Elvis made the trip up from the Felpausch in Kalamazoo.
11. (6) Venerable Bovine.
Trevor “Buttermaker” Collie, Doug “Call a Cab” Ellison, (Sycamore, IL). 
Hoo-boy…W.A.Y.L.A.C. wiffle of western Chicagoland finally made it’s Fat Bastard debut, but arrived a couple players short. Collie was still a good arm and that made these guys a tough game, but it just wouldn’t be enough as these cow pokes drop a full five spots in the poll. Doug did a commendable job as a last minute fill in, and an even better job in calling for a ride home. Collie will be back with cavalry, we’re sure, because he is, after all, the one responsible for putting the “F-U” in “fun”.
12. (18) Brother D-Day and Brother Bluto.
Jeff “O.B.” O’Bryan, Andy “Big ‘Un” Albertson (Grand Rapids, MI). 
It must seem a bit odd to these two, who have played in the Baxter Bowl finals every year, to enjoy the view from a loftier perch. O.B. and the Big ‘Un showed a ton of improvement as they both were consistent on the mound and had their moments at the plate. Dream match up against Pussy Galore was averted with their victory over Jesus to propel them up a full 6 spots, even with an injured O.B., who was prevented from performing a full “worm” due to a “pulled groin.” Explanation should be forthcoming…
13. (12) Say It With a Pineapple and a Twenty.
Trey “3″ Sumner, Mike “Slum Lord” Maat, Scott “Swimmer” Lawrence (Grand Rapids, MI). 
Well, apparently it was a fluke. Despite protests to the contrary, it looks like lightening struck in ’01 as Trey and Maat were unable to duplicate their previous success. Lawrence and Maat managed to get rides home upon their early exit, but Trey ended up in his tent – passed out by 8 pm, although he did provide rides for all the good little boys and girls beforehand in his government issue Hummer. Lots of practice in the side yard and a new Swimmer wasn’t enough to move higher.
14. (17) Thrashing Cartoons.
Larry “Citizen Dildo” Zeiser, Tom “Bob Golic” Reuter, Rich “Ginni” App (Grand Rapids, MI). 
Logan’s Alley made a respectable debut and helped keep the faithful properly lubricated. Zeiser’s gang will surely improve with some practice as App wowed the crowd with a couple of fine defensive plays. He and Golic were poster kids for the heavyweight division, but plenty nimble on their feet, and Larry was plenty handy with an ever present and friendly bottle of cheer. Good sports, these lads move up a bit in the poll and are sure to reach even farther in ’04.
15. (20) Goose and Mav.
Jon “Sugar” Lewis, Joe “Jose” Turnes (Grand Haven, MI). 
These two made a stellar improvement, dressing “in character” and breaking out of the Baxter Bowl. Made history, however, as the first pair of dingbats to vote for themselves in every award category. Jose, nontheless, proved himself to be a fine Fatty in his first tournament, holding his own on the hill and with the stick. Even as the bookies still await his first home run, Sugar helped them move up a full five places as he worked feverishly to set up his tent in record time to avoid O.B. and his “tea bag”.
16. (9) Fummenderchesse and the Angry Itch.
Ron “Don’t Call Me” Francis “Or I’ll Kill Ya”, Scott “Poor S.O.B.” Graves (Cedar Springs, MI). 
Former champions redeem themselves of their free-fall by becoming the first team to win a Championship (’00) and a Baxter Bowl. The hardware made Graves’ ride back to Martin a bit easier, but it’s still a long way from their former heights. Francis still puts up a battle from the hill but a little b.p. would be step in the right direction if these guys are to ever stop the bleeding. On the bright side, Francis is now conveniently located to Harvard Yards and can get a little practice in.
17. (19) Pussy Galore.
Susan “Zanner” Sheppard, Dee “Houghton” Albertson, Kelley “Kelley-Kelley” Ringler (Grand Rapids, MI). 
Wow! All that sunshine and skills to go with it! The ladies chalked up a couple of wins this year, and most importantly, avenged last year’s loss to Bock with a thrilling 8-7 win. Houghton and Zanner both improved immensely and would not at all be a surprise to break out of the Baxter Bowl in ’04. Took home Team Name honors, as well as several rolls of paparazzi photos…they’d have won Best Dressed too, if there’d been a vote!
18. (15) Jesus Helps Me Trick People.
Greg “Bockasaurus” Bockenstette, Terry “The Professor” Vanden Akker, Todd “Mary Ann” Visnaw (Grand Rapids, MI).
Poor Bock came in second to the ladies in Team Name, to Trey for “Drunk Guy,” and got beat on the field when Zanner actually swung the bat to bring down Jesus in extra innings! The Professor was sharp dressed man in the Russia jersey, but they’ll all need plenty of practice in Bock’s bakyard field if they’re to redeem themselves for this year’s performance. Mary Ann thankfully avoided short-shorts.
19. (NR) Moonlight Graham.
Tracey”Red” Walker, Jen “Jansma” Sumner (Grand Rapids, MI). 
A last minute switch brought a bit of history and a much prettier ballclub to Harvard Yards as Red and Jansma picked up the pace for the slackers from Illinois who couldn’t make it at the last minute. The ladies played well and participated in the first girl-on-girl game in Fatty history (just wait for that movie to hit the ‘Net!). We know what we like and we liked that, so the girls are sure to be back next year in an effort to add a victory to their already ample assets.
20. (16) Three Men Hangin’ Five.
Doug “E-Fresh” Calkins, Dr. Jim Chapp “Stick”, Tim “Dogg” Imrick (Grand Rapids, MI). 
Well, at least the sound-system was killer as the d.j.’s took their lumps in their first Fat Bastard effort. They did manage to drink their weight in Captain Morgan, so the day was not a total loss. Unfortunately, they may have been hangin’ a few less than five by the time the day was over. On the bright side, things can only get better from here! Hopefully, they were not too discouraged to come back and give it another try in 2004.
BIGGEST JUMP IN POLL: Pelee Islanders +9, Sweet Thunder +8, Goose and Mav +5
BIGGEST DROP IN POLL: Fummundercheese -7, Venerable Bovine -5, I Got Worms & Three Men Hangin’ Five -4
UNCHANGED: Results of Mom’s Passion, The Bridesmaids & Four Fried Chickens and a Coke E
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