Untouchable!
Here’s a Final Glimpse of the 2002 Clown Princes of Harvard Yards
HARVARD – The 2002 Fat Bastard has passed into the halls of history….so this is the final look at this past year’s teams. The new Fat Bastard 2003 announcement is being prepared for a February release. The announcement will also usher in a new set of rankings as we look towards August 9th, 2003 and our annual retelling of the Fat Bastard Fable.
Slim Pickens* of Windy City Wiffle Ball (Steger, IL) last possessed the historical right to call themselves “The Fattest Bastards of them All!” while Team 16 claims the Baxter Bowl in embarrassing walk-off fashion…literally.
In the meantime, here’s a final look at 2002 (pretournament rankings in parenthesis):
1. (3) Slim Pickens*.
Jimmy “Chitwood” Galvan, Dave “Psycho” Kale (Steger, IL). 
Untouchable! The Windy City Wiffle boys blew into town as the highest ranked newcomers and left as champions. The boys gave up no more than 4 runs in any one contest and hit enough to get the job done. Ozzie claims the MVP and Best Pitcher awards. Controversy has followed them, however, for an unholy state of sobriety maintained throughout the day. Entrance fees for next year include keg stands.
2. (6) Tip of the Sword.
Teddy “Ballgame” Braam, Steve “Jake” Jacoby, Dave “Lulu” Lutz (Greenville, MI).
Another debut team from nearby Greenville, these guys coordinated colors and kicked tail, playing completely through the loser’s bracket to make the finals. Led by Teddy Ballgame’s home run barrage and big overhand curveball, the Lulu lads at least drank a little bit of beer and showed themselves to be legitimate Fat Bastard contenders.
3. (2) The Maginot Line.
Eric “EZ-E” Albertson, Dave “Xman” Ringler (Harvard, MI). 
Defending champs struggled to a third place showing, took the only lead of the day on new champs Slim Pickens*, but wiltered in the afternoon heat. This pair spent most of the tourney fetching chow for each other and exchanging bottles of fancy beer. The defense of their crown and EZ-E’s MVP title ended up falling victim to a rigorous off season which included tours of Vegas, Mexico and Europe, and left these two idiots without the energy to repeat.
4. (9) The Chet Lemons.
Justin “Gut of Destruction” Davis, “Dandy” Andy Baker (Midland, MI). 
Commissioner Davis powered the Lemons of the GLWA to a strong showing in their Fat Bastard debut, dropping only a rematch to Tip of the Sword and a heartbreaker to the Maginot Line on a walk-off tater. These guys even had a couple of “uniforms” made from old T-Shirts and some Magic Markers. Poster children for the merits of higher education, these college boys weren’t afraid of a cheap can of brew.
5. (10) McPollocks, Sponsored by Guinness and Kowalski.
“Action” Pat Hillary, Kevin “Jack ‘n Jill Went up the” Hillary (Grand Rapids/Lansing, MI). 
HIllary Brothers flung some white flava…not giving up a hit until their third game. Unfortunately, a few more strikes would have helped. Showed definite promise as their rookie experience will certainly vault them among the contenders for ’03. Although Action Pat has managed to maintain sobriety for nearly a year now…the wheels should be off by then.
6. (4) The Meat.
Alan “Conseco” Garcia, Lloyd “Paralyzer” Fuller, Scott “Ump” Umphrey. (Essexville, MI). 
Learning from experience, the boys from the MMWA performed much better from the hill this year and adorned their formal luau shirts for the occasion. Garcia was his usual long-ball self and the Paralyzer was “super-freak-ay”, but The Meat ran out of mustard after losing in the quarterfinals of the winner’s bracket and never recovered their momentum.
7. (1) Goin’ Deep with Crackers and a 10-Inch Turkey Baster.
Corbin “The Moop” Owens, Scott “VanLentle Soup” VanLente (Grand Rapids, MI). 
Superman couldn’t save The Moop and Soup from the top-ranked kiss of death and a bad draw. Goin’ Deep drops out early with and embarrassing 1 win-2 loss performance. Soup made amends by cookin’ up some killer fries and The Moop just got blotto and played with Mr. Microphone. These guys are too good to drop lower, however, and look to rebound in ’03.
8. (11) Ted Iciek’s Prodogy.
Jason “Da Wrecker” Decker, Dustin “The Ringer” Nichols (Rockford, MI). 
Da Wrecker and The Ringer proved themselves to be worthy competition, hitting and pitching with anyone. Another new crew from Rockford, they will only improve with experience. The Ringer took the batting title and Decker offered a Chevrolet “test drive” to anyone willing to “rub his bat” for luck. Nichols was pound-for-pound the longest home run hitter of the day.
9. (7) Rubber Sheets and Gerbils.
Scott “The Colonel” Byrne, Robert “The Senator” Byrne (Grand Rapids, MI). 
A dramatic improvement over last year, the Senator and the Colonel did manage to squeak out a prize for “Best Team Name,” besting strong competition from Fish and Goin’ Deep. On the field, they came closest to beating eventual champs, Slim Pickens*, in a 1-0 loss. Looking to improve next year as the Senator’s district has been redrawn to Sparta. Each managed to consume his body weight in beer.
10. (8) All Your Base Is Belong to Us.
Todd “Jack” Daniels, Rob “Black” Beard (Chicago, IL). 
No idea what the team name means, but no one had more fun than these guys from Chicago. Daniels is reportedly dating a girl from Fremont, MI, yet in full possession of all his faculties. Beard was clearly heard to say, “Hell, Michigan ain’t that bad after all…most of these guys have all their teeth!” Punished opponents mistakes with patience at the plate and steady diet of strikes from the hill.
11. (5) Mutt & Wopp.
Ron “Don’t Call Me” Francis, Scott “Poor S.O.B.” Graves (Wayland, MI). 
My, how the mighty have fallen. These former champions began the year ranked #2, only to suffer an embarrassing performance in ’02. Former MVP Ron found himself sponge full of Guinness by noon. Fellow Fat Bastards made up for it, however, by talking to Graves’ missus on the phone…the Committee is pretty sure he’s still grounded. Will be practicing in their own tournaments to redeem manhood for next year.
12. (NR) Yard Dawgs II.
Drew “Sack” Roberts, Brad “Worstechester” Shires (Lapeer, MI). 
A last minute replacement for the now-banned Brandon Wilcox team, YD2 opened up a can of whup-ass on YD1 in a second round grudge match. The lads showe up at game time, nearly sober, and stumbled their way through their Fat Bastard debut. At least they brought their sense of humor, if not their fastballs.
13. (14) Team 16.
Greg “Bockasaurus” Bockenstette, Tarek “Buck” Buckmaster (Okemos/Grand Rapids, MI). 
Baxter Bowl Champions edge out the G.L.O.W. on Bock’s sissy bases-loaded walk that missed by inches. Buck was able to overcome his ligament problem in the finals due to his dogged pursuit of the Fat Bastard canned beer record. It remains to be seen if Bock and Buck pursue O.B.’s record two consecutive Baxter Bowl titles, but if they do, they’ll have to come up with a team name next year.
14. (13) The Georgeous Ladies of Wiffle.
Susan “Zanner” Sheppard, Dee “Houghton” Albertson (Grand Rapids, MI). 
By far, the best lookin’ team in the tournament, and the cause of severe eye strain among opponents, these two kittens improved with every game, winning their way into the Baxter Bowl finals before suffering a heartbreaking one run defeat. These two also soon to be starring in their own video: “Georgeous Ladies of Wiffle Ball Gone Wild!”
15. (15) The Fish that Saved Pittsburgh.
Jeff “O.B.” O’Bryan, Andy “Big ‘Un” Albertson (Grand Rapids, MI).
The Fish just missed out on a repeat as “Best Team Name” and a three-peat as Baxter Bowl Champs along with a dream match-up against the G.L.O.W. The Big ‘Un and O.B. did, however, show off some home run fireworks and entertained fans in the “throwback” game of the day versus Rubber Sheet and Gerbils…a classic rematch in the making from 1978.
16. (12) Yard Dawgs I.
Dan “Hulk” Eby, Nathan “Chico” Bufalini (Lapeer, MI). 
Took the complete collar, going 0-3, losing to G.L.O.W. and left without hugging anyone good-bye. The boys from Lapeer at least had the courtesy to show up slightly hung over…”Fatty Style!” They did bring some groovy uniforms and got a year of experience under their belts. Hopefully enough to work out a rigorous training program…the only way to go is up from here!
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