Inconceivable!
“What the %#*@ are you guys doing?!?” – Bystander overheard at the 2001 Fat Bastard
GRAND RAPIDS- In the final Fat Bastard held at the original school grounds, it was a repeat of last year’s championship bout, as Title IX avenged defeat in 2000 at the hands of the Euphuses by a 7-3 score to finish undefeated and claim their first Fat Bastard Championship. In a friggin’ miracle, Eric “EZ-E” Albertson was named Most Valuable Player with a dazzling display of a “backdoor” curveball and the highest on-base ratio of the day.
Big and Little Enis claimed the Baxter Bowl title, as O.B. repeated his title of ’00. In addition – as nothing seemed to change – Sugar did not homer and the Moop was the drunkest man in the world by the time he fell off his cooler at the awards ceremony.
It was a good crowd this year, as the Tournament welcomed 10 teams from all over the state of Michigan and about three dozen specators to the ol’ ball yard to cheer on their friendly neighborhood Fat Bastards locked in competition.
Keep an eye out next year as the Tournament Committee is in negotiations to purchase a new Wiffle Ball complex, just in time for the continuation of the Fat Bastard Epic.
Until then, here is a final look at 2001.
1. (4) Title IX.
Eric “EZ-E” Albertson, Dave “Xman” Ringler (Grand Rapids, MI). 
Tournament hero EZ-E answers his naysayers with an all-star performance. Currently working on their first album, these two switch hitters cite influences including Pat Boone, Jonathon Larson, and Alice Cooper. This had to be some kind of mistake as EZ has never won anything…ever. Now the boys are legends in their own minds and likely to be insufferable for the next year.
2. (3) Euphuses.
Ron “Don’t Call Me” Francis, Scott “One Foot in the” Graves (Wayland, MI). 
Often overlooked dynamic duo don’t say much or hit much, but they win. Have now posted only three losses in the history of the tournament – all at the hands of Title IX. Cruised into the finals this year with a bit of pre-tournament practice, a football, and stories of matrimonial bliss on a tractor. Ron also whined that Scott got credit for one of his home runs (corrected upon video tape review).
3. (8) At Least We’re Not EZ.
Trey “3″ Sumner, Mike “Bald Guy” Maat (Grand Rapids, MI). 
The Cinderella of the Year (be careful..you might get her pregnant, too!) after belly-aching about their ranking. Now actually believe they can hang with the big boys. Since tournament elimination, they’ve been sputtering because they lost in the semi’s and never faced Title IX. Rode tough pitching and timely hitting to a strong showing. They’ve now got pregnant women and kids all over the place. Oh yeah, and Trey plays soccer.
4. (1) Hampton Pirates.
Alan “Gar” Garcia, Scott “Ump” Umphrey, Pat “Jake” Jacobs (Bay City, MI). 
Tournament favorites never recovered after blowing a 9-0 lead in opening-round game. Fan favorites put on tremendous power displays until humbled by the shutout pitching of At Least We’re Not EZ. Their pitching staff has been rumored to have actually seen the strike zone, although evidence indicates they’ve rarely ever met the strike zone. Maintain a great website. Driving skills are suspect after ’00 “breakdown” in Alma.
5. (5) Master-Batters.
Todd “Harry Reems” Tomac, Tony “Ed” Werschkey (Grand Rapids, MI). 
A hot and cold team looked very impressive in several victories and basically stunk in several defeats. Set a Fat Bastard record with five consecutive team home runs in victory over Don and Buck. Tomac is rumored to be casting talent for upcoming film “Harry Reems Does Petoskey” and the Official Master-Batters Fan Club won many extra points with the Committee for bringing extra food and munchies!
6. (9) Don and Buck.
Don “Don” Pierce, Tarek “Buck” Buckmaster. (Grand Ledge, MI). 
Team of unknowns played well as Don led the tournament in hitting and has put himself in good shape for the free agent signing period. Heavyweight contenders hung around until all the beer was gone, then wandered over the fence to chase all the gopher balls their pitching staff coughed up. Bucky also chairs the Environmental Committee for the new Fat Bastard Complex…he’s being paid in hot dogs.
7. (6) Schlepprocks.
Peter “Joe Kelly” Setterington, Tom “Lawn Jockey” Aubrey (Grand Rapids, MI). 
Strong pitching and defense carried the day for these guys as Tom, the Lawn Jockey was sporting his aerodynamic clean-shaven torso under his helmeted dome. They were also instrumental members of the Grounds Committee. Probably should have spend some more time taking BP as Peter had more daughters than hits the entire day. Showed up wearing John Olerud safety helmets they won at the carnival.
8. (2) Smells Like Perch, Tastes Like Carp.
Scott “The Colonel” Byrne, Kyle “Puff Daddy” Steele (Grand Rapids, MI). 
Disappointed hip-hop fans showed up to see a short, fat white guy who couldn’t throw strikes. Force to keep the rubber armed Colonel on the hill most of the day. Puff Daddy has since been traded to Baltimore for two packs of chewing gum and a Garth Brooks cassette. A better showing should be expected next year as negotiations are ongoing to bring W-w-w-wobby out of retirement.
9. (7) Big and Little Enis.
Jeff “O.B.” O’Bryan, Andy “Big ‘Un” Albertson (Grand Rapids, MI). 
Voted Best Team Name and a credit to their respective clans. O.B. had the defensive play of the year with a diving grab into the fence during (their only) victory in the Baxter Bowl. The Big ‘Un was also voted Bess’d Dress’d for his neatly pressed and fashionable Carhardt shorts, and lends support from the Building and Engineering Committee. Sources indicate O.B. is planning on releasing his first CD in time for the holidays.
10. (10) Caligula’s Bankok Pipelayers Local 107.
Corbin “The Moop” Owens, Jon “Sugar” Lewis (Grand Haven, MI). 
Finished as expected: last. Sugar set Fat Bastard record in the Baxter Bowl by swinging at strike three pitch witnesses indicated Paul Bunyan would not have touched with a boat oar. Also bested previous mark for most beer consumed during the tournament. On the brighter side, the Moop did homer.
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