Get Lucky at Number Seven!
HARVARD – Once again, our little plot of soil known as Harvard Yards played host to its annual invasion of Bad Athletes. After the smoke – and a few empties – were cleared, here’s how the cards stacked up at the end of the day, where we once again awarded a new crew as Champions in our yearly tale known as the Fat Bastard.
Here’s who got lucky:
1. (4) The Screamin’ Seamen
Brian “Tank” Braat, Jason “Kurly Kop” Braat (Byron Center, MI). 
Returning after a couple years’ hiatus, Braater has lasooed his brother into the fray to take the place of Dyke, his former Calvin chum. It’s a good thing he did, because Kurly Kop’s tater off Chitwood in the finals saved the day for the brothers as they battled from the losers bracket to sweep Windy City and claim their first championship. It also validated their strong showing back in 2003. They celebrated their victory with a stogie and a promise to return with a brand new version of the “wife beater” T-Shirt for 2007.
2. (1) Ozzie Guillen for the Hall of Fame
Jimmy “Chitwood” Galvan, Keith “Hot Dog” Jones, Cesar “All-Hail” Hernandez (Steger, IL). 
He’s now a swingin’ single…and he still has the magic, but this one was a near miss for Jimmy “Chitwood,” as he fell just short of the hardware in his fourth trip to the finals since 2002. The Windy City boys cruised their way through the top of the bracket, but Chit allowed a shocking bomb to the young Mr. Braat in the championship and they were unable to recover. Among his crew of authentic ChiSox jerseys, Grand Master Jones was finally able to see what a real wiffle tourney looks like and Cesar was caught “red faced” and spooning in his tent with an “unnamed” male partner…that should prob’ly make their website.
3. (3) Bobby Higginson’s Revenge
“Action” Pat Hillary, Kevin “Jack and Jill Went up the” Hillary (Oxford, MI). 
Perennial bridesmaids, the Hillary brothers are still knocking on the door. They valliantly battled injury this year to work themselves into position – and claimed an epic come-from-behind victory over Rings & EZ – but bowed out to the Braaters just short of a return to the finals. Once again, the lack of family Patriarch, Dandy Don, is thought to be the main cause of their inability to inspire one another over the top. On the bright side, they did dip their toes off the wagon this year and enjoyed a bit of refreshment in an effort to fully appreciate all the finer qualities of being a Fatty.
4. (8) Touched by an Uncle
Pat “Truck” Moriarity, Craig “Dee” Deelsnyder (Eagan, MN). 
They rode in from Minnesota with two spare tires and three broken wheels…and rode off as Fat Bastard legends. After a fine showing at the ice cream social, they worked their way through the start of the day, before Dee suffered a knee injury. This forced Truckster to sojurn on alone, battling exhaustion and a broken air conditioner, to claim a solo victory over former champs, It Rubs the Lotion on Its Skin, before eventually bowing out to the Seamen and fatigue…an amazing Most Valuable Player performance.
5. (6) It Rubs the Lotion On its Skin
Eric “EZ-E” Albertson, Dave “Rings’” Ringler (Harvard, MI). 
These two lovebirds just won’t go away and managed to work themselves up, once again, into a lather and a top five finish as the only team to best the eventual champs. They fell victim to the bottle flu, however, and were run over by a Truck before reaching their return visit to the finals. At that point, they decided to pay homage to the Moop and just heckle the title game from the gallery and cool down with a comfy seat next to the cooler.
6. (10) Acute Angina
Scott “The Colonel” Byrne, Rob รข”The Senator” Byrne (Sparta, MI). 
The original brother duo sobered up long enough to turn in an outstanding performance this year as the Senator not only joined the Colonel in the Hall of Fame, but they finished with their best showing since 2000. Steady pitching, solid defense and timely hitting carried them until, as predicted, they once again fell to the eventual champions, but not before they left several teams in their wake wondering how the heck they just got beat by Joe Boever.
7. (7) Mr. Randy Watson
Dustin “The Wind” Nichols, Elliot “E.T.” Nichols (Mason, MI). 
It must have been love in his eyes, as the newly betrothed Dut failed to put the entire off-season of practice on his home field to any good use. The Nichols brothers finished right where they started and it remains to be seen if they can get their act together and push for a title before E.T. goes falling for some dame and messes up his concentration too. A word to the wise, Nichols: Women – they weaken the legs.
8. (15) Crooked Crack
Ryan “Where You” Breen, Josh “J-Kem” Kemmerer (Bloomington, IN). 
Now, this is more like it, as Breen and J-Kem rebounded nicely from the disaster of 2005 to move back into the top half of the rankings, in their best showing to date. A strong pitching performance, a looser head band, and the long ball proved to be the recipe as the lads from Schitzophrenia now must face the question as to where they go from here…We’ll guess anything will do, so long as its nothing like last year.
9. (9) Duenglings
Mike “Drunk Mike” Lurvey (IR), Sean “Rocket” McCarthy, Patrick “Fatty” McCarthy, Dave “Farquhar” Salim (Pittsburgh, PA)
These boys were from Pennsylvania, but it wasn’t the “City of Brotherly Love” as they squabbled away their chances to move up after picking up the Rocket’s brother to replace an injured Lurvey. On the bright side, there was plenty of Yuenglings – and Missus McCarthy – on hand to brighten the mood after a hard days’ wifflin’.
10. (12) Big Nuts Run Slow
Nate “Fish” Hulst, Troy “Clark” Kent, Dave “Atta Boy” Ferguson. (Anchorage, AL). 
Welcome back to Michigan, Nate, and your spot in the top ten! These camera-shy lads kept themselves in the upper half, overcoming a tough draw and the move to Newaygo from the Alaskan frontier. They eventually fell to the Byrne brothers and a nip or two of Yukon after a long day’s battle through the bottom of the bracket, but not before eliminating a quarter-dozen of their competitors along the way.
11. (2) Eaton Beavers
Lonnie “Snoop Drunky Drunk” Rucker, Todd “Jack” Daniels, Eric “It’s Good to be” King (Markham, IL). 
“Jack” Daniels was back on the pitch, continuing his every-other-year sojurn to Harvard, and this time, he thought he’d upgraded. It was the pretty familiar middle-of-the-pack finish, however as Snoop Drunky-Drunk has had more fun than should be allowed over the past two years, but not a lot of wins. It’s still good to be King, however, as these guys seem to carry around the life of the party on their own little dolly cart, and THAT is a beautiful thing.
12. (24) Consider the Llama
Matt “Rusty” Hilgers, Steve “Cougar” Peavler (Milwaukee, WI). 
After three years and one victory, the Boys from Beer City changed up the lineup and moved Rusty into the captain’s chair – and gosh darn it, people liked it! The Llamas have won! The Llamas have won! They claimed two – count ‘em, TWO – victories this year and moved halfway up the ladder after two years in a row living like the ’76 Bucs. We’re still not sure if it’s the new tactics or the matrimony, as Rusty’s had a big year – a couple of wins and a new bride (and she’s not named “Steve”). I dunno how you can top this, but rest assured, they’ll be back next year to give it a try.
13. (18) Date Night in Chappaquiddick
Jeff “O.B.” O’Bryan (MIA), Andy “The Big ‘Un” Albertson, Tim “The Goaler” Wawrzyniak (Grand Rapids, MI)
When OB went AWOL, the Big ‘Un went lookin’…and found himself a “mailbag full of tricks,” as The Goaler not only “fit the suit,” but he had the same haircut as Everybody’s Little Buddy, too! Even better, the boys tallied a few wins this year to keep pace, ahead of Sugar and Jose, which is probably the most important thing anyway. Now, if we could just fit them both in the same picture…
14. (5) Normastits
Alan “The Kid” Garcia, Bob “Martial Arts Phenomenon” Gillard (Essexville, MI/Phoenix, AZ). 
Defending champion and HOF’er Garcia returned with his big stick and an entirely new crew this year, as Henry, the Paralyzer, and Mr. Kleen all failed to join the roster. J-Mac flew in from Arizona, however, to make his second pilgrimage to Harvard and the boys from The Goin’ Deep Show did not disappoint…well, unless you count their performance on the field. Fewer wins and more fun was the rule of the day for Norma…if you catch the podcast, you can hear all about it.
15. (13) Whatever You Want to Call Us
B.J. “Bear” Meyaard, Virgil “Poon” Strang. (Zeeland, MI). 
These guys are nothing if not consistent: right in the middle of the herd for the third straight campaign. They did manage to avoid the porta-johns for their team photo this year – which is nice. Now, if we can get them to spend more than 45 seconds on their team name for next year, perhaps we could also encourage them to get a little practice in too, as we don’t want a few notches of slippage in the polls to become habit-forming.
16. (22) That’s Not My Finger Either
Scotty “Ugly Kid” Richards, Dr. Gary “Broken” Branch, Jeff “Sigmund” Freund (Kewadin, MI). 
A very nice performace was turned in by the doctors Branch and Sigmund, along with Ugly Kid Richards, who managed to get through the day without attacking anyone’s potato chips this year. These guys may prove to be a dangerous team in the future as they’ve improved every year and suffered only a tough one-run defeat and a loss to the eventual champs in their opening game.
17. (14) Blatz All Get Schlitzed
Brad “Homebrew” Mixan, Scott “Number Crunch” Sarnacke, Ryan “Hope” Croyle (Indianapolis, IN). 
All kinds of talent on this squad – from Coyle’s right arm to Mixan’s liver – but it led to a bit of disappointment as 2005′s Rookie of the Year squad digressed on the field. It probably had more to do with a tough draw – as they fell in close games to two former champions – but it does leave plenty of room for improvement next year. Hopefully, they’ll bring some more homebrew and we’ll see what we can do about the bracket.
18. (23) One Bat, Two Balls
David “The Incredible Hulk” Benner, Mark “Paul Masson” Paulson (Chicago, IL). 
The Cubs invaded Harvard Yards this year in the form of the Hulk and a bottle of wine with a screw on cap. We’ve been known to hang at Murphy’s on the Bleachers a bit ourselves, so these guys were a fine addition in their virgin Fatty experience. Hopefully, after a cigarette or two, they’re ready for some more action – and a few more wins – next year.
19. (11) Metrosexuals
Trey “The Bookie” Sumner, Jeff “Jeffanie” Poelstra, Mike “Little” Jansma. (Baghdad, Iraq). 
He’s back from Iraq and collecting hardware, as Trey led his team of rookie Fatties to the Baxter Bowl title, whipping up on Oh, That Wacky Ringler in a stellar Baxter Bowl game before a raucous crowd. After checking his ID, Little Jansma was an excellent addition and managed to fend for himself nicely. Jeffanie looked very nice and didn’t split a nail or mussy up his hair the entire day.
20. (19) Oh, That Wacky Ringler
Joe “Jose” Turnes, Jon “Sugar” Lewis (Grand Haven, MI)
After trading The Goaler, Sugar and Jose made it to the Baxter Bowl finals. Unfortunately, instead of trading him for a pack of chewing gum, they should’ve acquired a pair of hands as a dropped fly ball led to their ultimate demise at the hands of the Metrosexuals. It was still a good day for the Wacky’s, however, as Sugar was able to spend much of it recounting how, “he knew it…he friggin’ knew it.”
21. (20) Twisted Sisterz
Susan “Zanner” Sheppard, Jen “Jansma” Sumner, Stephanie “Mini” Cooper, Kelley “Kelley” Ringler (Grand Rapids, MI) 
For the second year in a row, the ladies’ hopes were dashed by injury as Jansma suffered a day-ending hip problem on the first pitch of the tournament. They still managed to work their way to the Baxter Bowl semi-finals however, on the strength of a mercy win, but bowed out short of their goals. It was another disappointment for a potentially very tough squad who have yet to make it through the tournament day at full strength.
22. (17) Dirty Sanchez
Ron “Don’t Call Me” Francis, “Hungry” Howie Koopman (Cedar Springs, MI)
After kicking Graves to the curb, Francis checked in with a Hungry new teammate and a stellar nickname, but he failed to coach him up on his sandbagging strategy of losing until the Baxter Bowl. This time, they lost one too many and they were forced to low tail it back to Cedar Springs empty-handed for the first time in five years, snapping a streak of three straight Baxter Bowl titles.
23. (21) We Have the Runs
Larry “Legend” Zeiser, Tim “T-Willie” Wille, Patrick “Riser” Zeiser (Philadelphia, PA/Buffalo, NY). 
Larry Legend returned with both his former teammates on the squad and a full day’s supply of provisions…and they were rewarded with T-Willie’s “Drunk Guy” award for the day, despite a strong competition among his teammates. It may have been the constant ringing of his cell phone, Patrick’s upcoming nuptials, or those darn tequila bottles sitting so close, but the lads were distracted short of any victories on the field and will have to regroup for ’07. On the bright side, they’ll soon to be opening a new pub near you!
24. (16) Queen Latifah’s Bicycle Seat
Mike “Chunky” Merlo, “Pistol” Pete Merlo (Caledonia, MI). 
Like a pair of fine wines turned to vinegar, these two brothers spent most of the day arguing amongst themselves and sending out search parties for the strike zone. As predicted sometimes one learns the hard way how the play the game Fatty-style, but they’re both good ballplayers and a year’s experience is sure to help. With a little work, they should harness their talents in no time for a future attempt.
Biggest jump: Consider the Llama (+12)
Biggest drop: Normastits (-9)
Just right: Bobby Higginson’s Revenge, Mr. Randy Watson, Duenglings (E)
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