The Eighth Wonder of the World…
HARVARD – Fat Bastard Wiffle Ball Tournament VIII is in the books and a familiar name was on the top, while the rest of the rankings were full of surprises. For a closer look at each team, just click on their thumbnail to open a larger image. Here’s how they stacked up when all was said and done.:

1. (1) Eatin’ Ain’t Cheatin’
Jimmy “Chitwood” Galvan, Eric “It’s Good to be” King, Lonnie “Snoop Drunky-Drunk” Rucker (Steger, IL).
You can’t beat the kid from Hickory and Chitwood once again led his team to a title, with an undefeated performance that saw several last inning victories. Lonnie was a bit under the weather, but the King picked up any slack with a strong performance on the hill and at the dish. After last year’s second place finish, the Windy Boys couldn’t be denied for their league’s fourth Fatty championship.

2. (10) Tween the Bizzos
Ryan “Where You” Breen, Ben “Spicolli” Taylor (Grand Rapids, MI).
After a rebound year in ’06 with Kem, Breen went to the archives to recruit Big Ben from the 2004 squad with hopes of a more consistent performance. Reportedly a “man of the cloth,” Tayler apparently had his prayers answered as the Bizzos were dominant all day, consistent on the mound and whacking the long ball. They suffered only two defeats, both at the hands of Eatin’.

3. (5) Heavy Petting Zoo
Eric “EZ-E” Albertson, Dave “Rings’” Ringler (Harvard, MI).
Running on fumes by the end, the Zoo boys finished a semi-surprising third, losing out once each to the Bizzos and Eatin’. Married life has proved inspiring for EZ-E, as he was consistent on the hill all day long, and Rings was hitting the long ball regularly. They squeaked out several close wins over nemisis Hillary Brothers, Byrne Brothers and Trey & Moop before falling just short of the championship game.

4. (8) Handicapped Accessible
Corbin “The Moop” Owens, Trey “The Bookie” Sumner, Mike “Mikey Bob” Jansma (Grand Rapids, MI).
Fresh from “somewhere in Iraq,” these clowns must be doing something right as their trash talking and insobriety seem to get them deeper into the bracket every year. Moop reclaimed the “Drunk Guy” title (again) after Trey’s more recent displays and Mikey Bob provided plenty of offense to go along with their military ability to throw enough strikes and take a pitch, often from their lawn chair.

5. (6) Merkle’s Boner
Scott “The Colonel” Byrne, Rob “The Senator” Byrne (Sparta, MI).
Another fine performance by the Byrne Brothers moves them up a notch as their combination of steady pitching and timely hitting proves, once again, tough to beat. Finding inspiration by sleeping in a church van, they fell only to Eatin’ and the Zoo, in their highest finish since 2000. Sparta has a ticker tape parade scheduled for Thursday, in celebration of their Senator’s accomplishments.

6. (9) Balls Deep
“Drunk” Mike Lurvey, Sean “Rocket” McCarthy (Pittsburgh, PA).
Packing another load of Yuenglings, the road from Pittsburgh is becoming well worn, as Lurvey and the Rocket enjoyed a nice rebound year at Harvard. Sean can still dominate a game from the hill and Mike showed more consistency this year in their best effort since their first tournament. We’ll look for more of the same in ’08, with a request that they bring along some more of that eye candy.

7. (13) Cenosilicaphobia
Scotty “Ugly Kid” Richards, Dr. Gary “Broken” Branch, Jeff “Sigmund” Freund (Kewadin, MI).
As predicted, these guys took a big step forward with a strong outing – and an even better beverage service, thanks to UKR. Branch and Freund were the anchors on the hill and in the lineup as they feared no one other than an empty glass, before hitting the wall against the Handicapped. This was their best performance to date and we’ll be looking for plenty more where that came from – both on and off the field.

8. (14) Third Streich
Brad “Homebrew” Mixan, “Dandy” Andy Schirmer, Ryan “Hope” Croyle (Indianapolis, IN/Chicago, IL/Irvington, NY).
A return to their original lineup brought the Streichers their best finish ever as these jokers took advantage of a favorable draw and some timely play to move up a full six spots, despite the occasional nappy-time from Schirmer and the schoolboy giggling from Mixan. For a homebrewer, we encourage you next time leave the “macros” at home and the good karma will be sure to push you up another notch.

9. (2) Driving Miss Daisy (Into the Headboard)
Brian “Tank” Braat, Jason “Kurly Kop” Braat (Byron Center, MI).
Defending their title proved a bit rougher for the Braaters, who came in looking for back-to-back crowns, but instead were forced to tuck their tails between their legs as a couple of rough outings led to an early ouster for Tank and Kurly. They’re good enough – and young enough – to rebound, however, and we’d look for a better performance next year. Pretty in pink, it wasn’t.

10. (18) We Swing Both Ways
Ron “Don’t Call Me” Francis “Or I’ll Kill Ya”, Scott “Poor S.O.B.” Graves (Cedar Springs, MI).
Francis and that Poor S.O.B. from Wayland enjoyed their best outing in nearly half a decade this year as they recoved their form a bit in winning their opening game – and finishing in the top ten – for the first time since 2001. Wins over some higher ranked teams looked impressive and the pressure will be back on them next year to prove that “they’re back” and didn’t just get lucky once every half dozen years or so.

11. (3) Big Hairy American Winning Machine
“Action” Pat Hillary, Kevin “Jack and Jill Went up the” Hillary (Oxford, MI).
The injury to Patrick’s throwing arm and their disappointment proved to be too much for the former title contending Hillary Brothers. They suffered a heart-breaking loss to the Zoo and never recoved as their early exit led to their lowest finish ever. They’ll look to bounce back next year as they’re still probably a top ten squad, but they’ll have to work a little harder to overcome their lack of offense.

12. (12) At Least We’re Not Short, Bald & Irish
Joe “Jose” Turnes, Jon “Sugar” Lewis, Tim “The Goaler” Wawrzyniak (Grand Haven, MI)
The Irish were able to follow through on their pre-tourney boasts of improvement as lost their two games by a combined three runs. Their pitching continues to improve and – despite going homerless as a team – was able to keep them in every game. Sugar’s first Fatty homer will have to wait as he shuffled off to the Coast Guard Festival before hitting #1, while Goaler and Jose were forced to carry on the afternoon alone.

13. (16) All Star Wiffling! With the Baron and the Mad Dog (In Colour)
Matt “Rusty” Hilgers, Steve “Cougar” Peavler (Milwaukee, WI).
The All Stars continued their great leap forward with Hilgers in the Captain’s chair, however, they seemingly forgot to bring along their pants! Cougar’s leggy performance aside, it was the Milwaukee lads highest finish in their five years of Fatty play as their pitching continues to improve and they seem to get just enough offense to keep them in the ballgame. Now, we just need to get them shopping…those whitey-tideys are so 80′s.

14. (11) BALCO’s Failed Experiment
Nate “Fish” Hulst, Troy “Clark” Kent, Dave “Atta Boy” Ferguson. (Newaygo, MI).
After moving back to Michigan from the tundra of Alaska, they must’ve left their calendars behind. Surprised on Friday to find out that the tournament was actually a day away, these guys hustled down to Harvard, but evidently lost some of their mojo on the way as they were unable to capitalize on a reasonable draw for a disappointing finish three spots below where they started.

15. (17) At Least We Passed English 201
Jeff “O.B.” O’Bryan, Andy “The Big ‘Un” Albertson, Andy “Twitchell” Mitchell (Grand Rapids, MI)
Injury forced O.B. into the coaching chair, where he was able to “strategize” the Big ‘Un and Twitchell to a competitive performance. The Big ‘Un was steady on the hill and Mitchell proved a quick study, snaring nearly anything within his zip code defensively and throwing strikes like a veteran, before O.B. goofed up the schedule at the end of the day, which led to a (perhaps) premature exit.

16. (19) Other Than That, Mrs. Lincoln, How was the Play?
Larry “Legend” Zeiser, Hans “The Queen” Heikkinen, Patrick “Riser” Zeiser (Philadelphia, PA/Lansing, MI).
The best dressed team of the day was not only more colorful, but improved, with the addition of Hansel. No one suffered of thirst as they led the way from behind the portable at Chateau Zeiser for a competitive day on the field. Patrick continues to improve his hurling and a little improvement in the offense will carry these guys even further next year. We understand that the Underhill tab was open most of the weekend.

17. (24) Susan Says
Susan “Zanner” Sheppard, Amy “First Lady” Byrne, Mel “Blondie” Francis, Kelley “Trouble” Ringler (Grand Rapids, MI)
A nearly complete roster turnover proved to be just as much fun as Kelley, Mel and the First Lady all looked good in gracing the playing fields for the first time and Zanner was her usual self, claiming a second “Best Hands Award” for her efforts. The ladies proved, once again, to be no easy opponent as they overcame a tough draw with a victory to stay out of the Baxter Bowl and maintain their place in the hearts of Fatty fans everywhere.

18. (7) How’s Your Wife and My Kids?
Dustin “The Wind” Nichols, Elliot “E.T.” Nichols (Mason, MI).
The Nichols ran into a huge roadblock in their dark-horse push to a championship – it wasn’t the championship they’d envisioned. Dut and E.T. suffered two early defeats in a tough draw and fell straight into the Baxter Bowl. All was not lost, however, as they recovered to rip off three straight wins and claim their first Baxter Bowl title. They’ll look to break back into the upper half next year. By the way, have you seen Dut’s turkey trophy, with the goggles?

19. (4) We Shaved Our Balls for This?
Pat “Truck” Moriarity, Craig “Dee” Deelsnyder, Rian “The Man” Heaslip (Eagan, MN).
The 2006 Rookies of the Year returned from Minnesota – and left with a black eye and sore livers. No one had more fun than these guys, but they suffered a collapse in their ranking as they fell all the way into the Baxter Bowl, where they lost in the finals. This time, it was Truck’s turn to suffer an injury as Dee and The Man were unable to overcome the loss of their big stick. There’s always next year, however, and these guys will be back with a Truck-load of goofiness once again.

20. (23) Tea Baggers
Jeff “Jughead” Jewell, Trace “T-Bone” Rubak, John “JK” Kesterke (Walker, MI).
Jughead led a crew of rookies into Harvard this year and it took them a few games to get the hang of things, as they were unable to avoid a Baxter Bowl appearance. They did manage a bracket win, however, and as seemingly decent athletes, they should be able to put together a more respectable showing in the future…or at least have more fun trying. We suggest bringing along Betty and Veronica.

21. (21) Polled by a Priest
Rudy “Wiz” Faber, Brad “Heiner” Hineline, Andris “The Latvian Lover” Runka (Grand Rapids, MI/Riga, Latvia).
Another group of rookies will undoubtedly improve in the future. This year, however, they left without a win as the fell early in their Baxter Bowl debut. With the Winter League returning, they’ll have plenty of opportunity to work on their game and position themselves for a better showing down the road as Rudy, Heiner and ‘Dris all showed plenty of promise should they choose to give it a go again next year.

22. (20) Crazy – With Papers to Prove It
John “Fatso” Massey, Chris “Barrington Bomber” Kelsch, Mike “Spike” Samec (Holt, MI/Chicago, IL/Brookline, NH).
The oldest group of rookies to ever debut at Harvard can at least claim Rookie of the Year status, if not a win. No one enjoyed the day more than this group of cousins. Spike, in particular, made a fine showing of himself with several tremendous defensive efforts – and a stylish glossy dome under his Sox lid. We’ll see if their veteran savvy helps them out going forward as there’s plenty of room for improvement from here.

23. (15) Hail the Half Whale
Nick “Sanchez” Consoer, Josh “Ten” Carroll, Andy “K-Mart” Gillund (Minneapolis, MN).
The dueces from Minnesota weren’t shy around the refreshments, but unfortunately, they were about scoring runs. The super socks were no help as they left their debut tournament without a win, despite a dream matchup against their fellow Twin City mates to open the Baxter Bowl. We’ll prescribe them a year of detox and we’ll see them in September for the Fatty-friendly in Minnesota.

24. (22) Crabs
Adam “Brooks” Whitmore, Brian “Kaz” Kaczanowski (Kentwood, MI).
Apparently, these guys were unaware and unprepared for the Fatty atmosphere as they found themselves heckled out of the tournament, despite showing off some youthful athleticism and plenty of potential. There’s probably some other tournaments out there a little more to their tastes as it looks like their rookie debut was both their first and final appearance at Harvard Yards.

Biggest jump in the poll: ‘Tween the Bizzos / We Swing Both Ways +8, Third Streich +6
Biggest fall in the poll: We Shaved Our Balls for This -15; How’s Your Wife and My Kids? -11
Right on the money: Eatin’ Ain’t Cheatin / At Least We’re Not Short, Bald & Irish / Polled By a Priest (E)

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