Nine Lives of Harvard…
HARVARD – Fat Bastard Wiffle Ball Tournament IX is now history and a crowded field of 28 squads took two days and all the daylight available to settle the disputed rankings, each vying for their share of Harvard Yards glory. In the end, we had a new champion, a few surprises, and a whole lotta fun. When the buzz had cleared, here’s how they finished on August 2nd, 2008. You can click on each thumbnail for a better look at the talent (and we already know which team will get the most clicks…): 
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1. (8) We’re not Gay, We Just have a Wide Stance
Dr. Gary “Broken” Branch, Jeff “Sigmund” Freund (Dewitt & Okemos, MI).
These guys have been the dark horse pick as the surprise team of the year for years. This year, Dr. Branch and Siggy have formed a duo with the departure of UKR to the Buttermakers, and they became the first team to run the table after losing their opening round game, just besting the Braaters in two twilight contests to claim the 9th Fatty Championship. Steady hurling and timely hitting carried the day through several close victories.
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2. (5) Neverland Ranch
Brian “Tank” Braat, Jason “Kurly Kop” Braat (Byron Center & Kentwood, MI).
After a down year in 2007, the Braaters came roaring back with a perfect run through the winner’s bracket, before falling victim to darkness, fatigue and the bottle flu. Very steady hurling, a wife beater tank-top, power sticks and plenty of attitude proved to be too much for most opponents, including a dramatic come-from-behind victory and several blowout wins in the early rounds.
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3. (3) Hooray Beer!
Eric “EZ-E” Albertson, Dave “Rings’” Ringler (Harvard & Grand Rapids, MI).
Another third place showing leaves these two dingbats once again a game short of their title shot. True to form, they’ve never been any good in the afternoon – blowing a 7-1 lead to the Braaters and a 1-0 lead to the champs – as refreshments and gravity again took wind out of their sails. On the bright side, EZ managed to claim his first honorary “drunk guy” award as the top sponge of the day.
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4. (1) Licky Boom Boom Down
Ryan “Where You” Breen, Ben “Spicolli” Taylor (Grand Rapids & Comstock Park, MI).
Proving their 2007 runner up finish was no fluke, Breen and Taylor dominated the early part of the tourney with power pitching and power hitting before crashing to earth later on Saturday. Spicolli was kind enough to participate in his annual Fatty consumption and Breen led the tourney in Homers and was awarded Big Stick for the second year in a row. He added the 2008 Most Valuable Player honors to the shelf, leaving only a championship lacking.
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5. (16) Pushing Our Luck
Nate “Fish” Hulst, Troy “Clark” Kent, Dave “Atta Boy” Ferguson. (Fremont & Rockford, MI).
They pushed their luck almost to the top of the heap! After nearly over-sleeping the tourney last year, they rebounded from a disappointing performance as 2008 saw a fantastic run by this long-time middle-of-the-pack squad. They pitched well all day and remained undefeated against every team but one in climbing eleven spots in the rankings. They quietly go about their business, and will look to build upon a successful campaign…it would be helpful to both register and arrive on time next year.
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6. (6) Thank You, Sir. May I Have Another
Scott “The Colonel” Byrne, Rob “The Senator” Byrne (Sparta & Grand Rapids, MI).
Following last year’s outstanding performance, the Byrne Brothers keep getting better, after claiming an opening-round victory over the in-laws. They remain a challenger for the top spot going forward. Incredibly steady play, solid strike-throwing and great defense keep them forever in the upper half of the rankings and never in danger of dry mouth or long distance runs to the cooler. A couple close losses were all that prevented them from greater heights.
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7. (4) You Took the Candy, Now Get in the Van!
Corbin “The Moop” Owens, Trey “The Bookie” Sumner (Grand Rapids, MI).
Fresh from “somewhere in Iraq,” these clowns continued their assault on the top ten and every eardrum in range as their verbal nonsense and insobriety seem to get them deeper into the bracket every year. The Moop avoided any gas cans this year and Trey actually had his game on for most of the day, before falling in the quarter finals. Always faithful, they managed to console their loss by claiming the coveted Team Name title for the first time.
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8. (2) Baxter’s Red Rocket Has Landed on Uranus
Eric “It’s Good to be” King, Lonnie “Snoop Drunky-Drunk” Rucker, Jaime “Old School” Hernandez (Markham & Tinley Park, IL/Munster, IN).
The champs returned nearly intact, but proved to come up just short without Chitwood as a pair of close defeats sealed their doom well short of the title, marking the first time in ages we failed to see a Windy City squad in the title matchup. Snoop Drunky Drunk maintained his rep on the hill, however, claiming another Golden Arm award for the mantle in Markham.
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9. (25) Ladies, We Have Pocket Rockets
Jeff “Jughead” Jewell, Scott “Bocephus” Bocian, John “JK” Kesterke (Walker, MI).
Jughead and the Juggies returned for their second effort this year and learned well from their inaugural performance. They joined Pushing Our Luck as one of the surprise teams of 2008 by moving all the way into the top ten from a Baxter Bowl ranking as they improved their pitching dramatically and were the only team to defeat the eventual champs, winning their opening round match handily. Now the question will become what to make of next year and where do they go from here?
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10. (11) The Bushwackers
Josh “Chucky” Steiger, Adam “Hey Guy” Dove, Brandon “Candy Cane Jiggs” Wilkins (Salt Lake City, UT/Raleigh, NC/Traverse City, MI).
The Stormin’ Mormon returned to Harvard for the first time since 2005 and brought plenty of lumber with them. They obviously knew that chicks dig the long ball as they pummelled opponents with a home run barrage whenever they faced anything less than very good pitching.
They also managed to remember – for the most part – that Fatties don’t run bases as they banged their way into a top ten finish.
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11. (15) There are Plenty of Mohicans
Dustin “The Wind” Nichols, Jason “The Wrecker” Decker, Bobby “Higgy” Ruffin (Mason & Gowen, MI).
Dut Nichols brought back his original 2002 teammate, Wrecker Decker, along with Higgy-baby, after brother Elliot went AWOL this year and led the lads to a respectable top-half finish, losing twice to the same Luck Pushers. Decker has improved since his debut and Dut remains one of the better players around, with his own small Mason league, so a competitive squad was no surprise.
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12. (10) Cup of Soup
Andy “Rust” Ruster, Don “Juan” Kern (Allendale, MI).
A quick lineup change preceeded the debut of Rust & Juan, as this new group of young wifflers had plenty to live up to after last year’s “new” team was heckled out of the tournament. They managed to warm up with another tourney, so their virgin performance was a good one as they fielded a competitive top-half squad and managed to get the hang of the Fatty-style of play in short order. Nice job, fellas, and we’ll look forward to seeing you next year.
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13. (17) GonnaHerpaSyphilAids
Dan “Private” Ryan, Jason “Sargeant” Schultz, Joe “Roose” Russo (Grand Rapids, MI)
After several years of milling about, the erstwhile War Pigs finally made the trek to Harvard. Good ballplayers all, they caught on quickly to everything except the art of the team name and the plague of commercial “beer.” They were great on the field, however, as they battled their way to a top-half finish in their rookie campaign. We’ll look forward to more from these guys in the future as they could definitely be a challenger in years to come.
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14. (24) Sugar’s Coastie Pride Festival
Jack “Judas” Russell, Joe “Jose” Turnes (Grand Rapids, MI).
He looked a lot like the missing Sugar, but Action Jack proved to be a quick study under Smokin’ Jose’s tutelage as they skipped the Coast Guard Festival for a pretty good day at Harvard Yards. Both guys threw strikes and hit the ball pretty well as they weren’t afraid to put runs on the board or punish bad pitching. If they stay together, they may also be a team to get better in a hurry.
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15. (7) Butt Cracks & Plungers
“Action” Pat Hillary, Kevin “Jack and Jill Went up the” Hillary (Oxford & Grand Rapids, MI).
Have suddenly-skinny Kevin and suddenly-laid back Patrick lost their edge? Two off years in a row would seem to indicate that their window of opportunity may be closing, but two one-run losses to top squads would lead us to believe that poor luck and a tough draw are more likely the reason for second straight sub-par finish for the Hillary Boys. We think bringing back Dandy Don as a spectator would be just the kick in the pants these guys would need to return to form next year.
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16. (14) The Sneaky Beaners
Alan “The Kid” Garcia, Lloyd “Paralyzer” Fuller, “Up” Chuck Weiler (Essexville & Kalamazoo, MI/Phoenix, AZ).
The Paralyzer is back from the desert, making a cross-country run, to team up with former MVP Garcia and newcomer Chuck Weiler – who’s been waiting years to turn 21 and join the fun – to replicate their formerly potent Pirate squad. Its been sparse for the Bay City boys since their championship run of 2005, but they’re probably having more fun nowadays both goin’ yard and Goin’ Deep.
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17. (12) Pinch the Hitter
Larry “Legend” Zeiser, Hans “The Queen” Heikkinen, Jimmy “Chitwood” Galvan (Philadelphia, PA/Lansing, MI/Steger, IL).
Larry Legend and the Queen played coy as to the identity of the Gimp, but whipped out the Lad from Hickory, Jimmy Chitwood, in time for their opening matchup. The Pinchers never strayed far from the Ringler Chateau, however, which made for more than enough fun to overcome any disappointment from a middle-of-the-rankings performance. Once again, Hans had the team looking good as the second-best dressed crew of the day.
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18. (20) Rusty’s Trombone
Matt “Rusty” Hilgers, Steve “Cougar” Peavler (Milwaukee, WI).
Well, Cougar managed to maintain his pants this year in his Hall of Fame debut, and, along with Rusty, they continued play their way up the rankings with a couple more notches of progress in 2008. The dapper duo remain Friday night Ice Cream Social legends and remind their constituents that “a vote for Rusty’s Trombone is a vote for freedom!”
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19. (23) Drunk Again & Lookin’ 2 Score
Susan “Zanner” Sheppard, Amy “First Lady” Byrne, Mel “Blondie” Francis, Kelley “Trouble” Ringler (Grand Rapids, Sparta, Cedar Springs & Harvard, MI)
My stars, look at all the pretty colors! The best looking wiffle squad in show business returned with their lineup completely intact, uniforms perfect, and the hearts of wiffle fans everywhere in their bag of tricks. The ladies were impressive once again this year with a solid victory and plenty of eye candy, as we know distraction is their secret weapon.
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20. (21) Oh, Pickles!
Rudy “Franxis” Faber, Brad “Heiner” Hineline, Mike “Curvey” Lurvey (Grand Rapids, MI).
With a year of experience under their belt and the signing of former Duengling Curvey Lurvey to the squad, the Pickles ended up pretty much where they’d started. No one had more fun, or a better breakfast, than these guys, however, as they’re quickly establishing themselves as Harvard stalwarts in the fight against boring. Mike even saw to it that the Rocket stopped by with a few Yuenglings in tow, just for old time sake.
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21. (22) Geriatric Crew: Depends & Brew
John “Fatso” Massey, Chris “Barrington Bomber” Kelsch, Mike “Spike” Samec (Holt, MI/Chicago, IL/Brookline, NH).
Last year’s Rookies of the Year proved to be solid sophomores as well, as they fought injuries, age and mileage in another fine visit to Harvard. A couple of bad wheels probably hampered their finish this year, but good times were had by all and these guys remain welcome participants every year. We still need the scoop, however, on the alleged upcoming nuptials…do we hear wedding bells somewhere in Chicago?
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22. (18) Pants for Peavler
Ron “Don’t Call Me” Francis “Or I’ll Kill Ya”, Scott “Poor S.O.B.” Graves (Cedar Springs & Wayland, MI).
These absolute sandbaggers have the Baxter Bowl down to a science: lose the first two, no matter who you play, then suddenly get “hot” to claim your fourth Baxter Bowl title in six years. $&#@! Their first two games next year are overly due for a thorough heckling, under the microscope for any suspicious performance. We’ll get to the bottom of this Fat Sox Scandal!
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23. (26) Dibs!
Joe “WOAH” Lawrence, Josh “Ten” Carroll, Joe “The Deuce” Bloom (St. Paul, Bloominton & Fridley, MN).
So these poor, wayward waifs from Minnesota are innocently wandering through Harvard, only to discover a whole slew of Fatties and decided to join the fray. Ten led a couple of skinny guys to a Baxter Bowl runner up and bragging rights on over the long trip back to the Land of 10,000 Lakes. Mission for next year: fatten up the team! You fellows are waaay too skinny for a bunch of Fatties.
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24. (19) I Wonder if Eric is Brushing His Teeth
Jeff “O.B.” O’Bryan, Andy “The Big ‘Un” Albertson (Grand Rapids, MI)
A healthy O.B. returned to the field from the injured reserve and coaching box to his traditional squad, consisting of entirely Hall of Fame members. A more aerodynamic team this year, with a svelte Big ‘Un and a well groomed O.B., resulted in a pretty typical performance for the boys. They throw pretty good batting practice and they hit enough to claim a victory in the all-comedy match up with Truck, Borky & Dee.
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25. (13) Fingers Sexson Pujols
Pat “Truck” Moriarity, Craig “Dee” Deelsnyder, Mike “Bork Nuts” Bortke (Cottage Grove, St. Paul & Minnesota, MN).
Poster children for all that is good about the Fatty, the 2006 Rookies of the Year returned from Minnesota with reinforcements and left with a belly full of cheers again. Former MVP Truck led the hijinks with his Twisted Sister teammate and the soon-to-be-legendary Borky. They’re actually a pretty dangerous squad, but can’t stop laughing long enough to work their way out of the Baxter Bowl.
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26. (27) Donkey Punch
Mike “Chunky” Merlo, Matt “Dikfore” Merlo, Joe “Merkin” Porcaro (Caledonia, Gladstone & Rockford, MI).
Chunky returned with a new cancer-kid haircut and another brother in tow, after his 2006 debut didn’t work out so well. Unfortunately, the results on the field were pretty much the same, as the Merlos left still in search of their first Fatty victory. A fine day was enjoyed by all, however, as they were sporting spiffy team attire and avoided any recurrence of Cain & Abel.
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27. (28) Buttermaker’s Beaver
Mike “Wy-Wy” Wyman, Scott “UKR” Richards, Cheri “Ooh La La” Reagle (Lake Odessa & Kewadin, MI).
The world’s first co-ed Fat Bastard team just snagged the final spot in this year’s field as Wy-Wy showed himself to be one of the most improved Fatties of the year. As a group of rookies, they relied heavily on the wisdom of their veteran teammate, UKR, for tips and tricks, as evidenced by their setting up shop near the beverage stand.
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28. (9) Sexy Keepers of the Keys and Grounds
Brian “Junkyard Dog” Meyers, Daryl “Joe” Hutson, Mike “U Wrench It” Raber (Kalamazoo, MI).
Fresh from their successful Winter Fiasco warm up last year, the lads from the Kalamazoo Wiffle League had a rough go of it in their Fatty debut as they had trouble finding the strike zone and, unfortunately, keeping their emotions in check and keeping themselves in compliance with the Justin Davis rule. Sadly, the result is a last place showing. On the bright side, things can only get better from here.
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BIGGEST RISERS: Pocket Rockets +16, Pushing Our Luck +11, Sugar’s Coastie Pride +10, We Have a Wide Stance +7
SPOT ON: Hooray Beer!/Thank You Sir (E), Bushwackers/Oh, Pickles!/Geriatric Crew/Donkey Punch/Buttermaker’s Beaver +1
BIGGEST DROPPERS: Sexy Keepers -19, Fingers Sexson Pujols -12, Plungers -8

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