Celebrating A Decade of Debauchery with 28 Teams Full of Idiots…
HARVARD – Fat Bastard Wiffle Ball Tournament X is just around the corner, with a record-matching field of 28 squads vying for their share of plastic glory and Internet legacy. There’s a number of title contenders this year, with several teams on the rise and a few former champions looking to reclaim their crown.

Until we can settle things on the field, here’s how we see things stacking up. You can click many of the thumbnails for a better look at the talent (and we already know which team will get the most clicks…):
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1. (4) Prairie Doggin’ Corn Poo
Ryan “Where You” Breen, Ben “Spicolli” Taylor (Michigan City, IN & Sparta, MI).
A squad on the rise, Breen and Taylor dominated the early part of the 2008 tourney with power pitching and power hitting before crashing to earth later on Saturday. They’ve been challenging for the top for some time now, so this could be their breakthrough year as Spicolli will be hitting the bottle and Breen will look to add a championship trophy to the rest of his MVP-hardware.
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2. (2) Trey, Trey…Hey Trey
Brian “Tank” Braat, Jason “Kurly Kop” Braat (Byron Center & Kentwood, MI).
After a down year in 2007, the Braaters came roaring back with a perfect run through the winner’s bracket, before falling victim to nightfall, fatigue and the bottle flu. Very steady hurling, a wife beater tank-top, power sticks and plenty of attitude remain the calling card for the Brothers Braat as they look to make up for the Heart of Darkness defeat last year.
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3. (1) Junk Punch & The Sausage Wallet
Dr. Gary “Broken” Branch, Jeff “Sigmund” Freund (Dewitt & Okemos, MI).
After years of playing the role of the longshot contenders,  Dr. Branch and Siggy will return to Harvard as defending champions after a breakthrough year in 2008. They’d prefer not to have to run the second-chance bracket, however, so winning early will be a key to their defense. They’ll be tested this year as one of the “teams to beat” in their quest to repeat and they certainly won’t sneak up on anyone this year.
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4. (3) If You’re Into That, China Has a Lot to Offer
Eric “EZ-E” Albertson, Dave “Rings’” Ringler (Harvard & Grand Rapids, MI).
Following a string of third place showings, the question at hand for  these two dingbats is whether they can muster another challenge at the top or they fall back into the pack under the weight of age and liver abuse. Forever challenged in the afternoon, the key will be remaining somewhat coherent throughout the day and getting EZ to bed early during the Ice Cream Social.
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5 (NR) Dutch Rudders
Jimmy “Chitwood” Galvan, Keith “L-Train” Matusek (Steger, IL & Highland, IN).
A team with Chitwood is a team to be reckoned with as Jimmy jumps back into title contention, bringing along The Cat on the Windy City Caravan. Galvan is a multiple-time MVP, homer champ and Golden Arm, but is reportedly recovering from an injury – stop us if you’ve heard that one before – so we’ll see whether he returns to form or spends hit time hanging out with the neighbor girl.
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6. (6) Fall Down Go Boom
Scott “The Colonel” Byrne, Rob “The Senator” Byrne (Sparta & Grand Rapids, MI).
The Byrne Brothers keep getting better, after impressive back-to-back campaigns. They remain a challenger for the top spot going forward. Incredibly steady play, solid strike-throwing and great defense keep them forever in the upper half of the rankings and never never far from the cooler. The Colonel maintains that home-field advantage with the Aztec sleeping quarters and the Senator spent the summer racing lawnmowers to keep in competitive shape.
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7. (5) Under the Influence
Dave “Atta Boy” Ferguson, Troy “Clark” Kent (Rockford, MI).
They managed to register on time this year, so it will be interesting to see if Superman Kent can lead his crew of mild-mannered Rockford boys to a repeat of last year’s impressive showing. A long-time middle of the pack team, they made a run at the top last year with a surprisingly balanced attack and improved pitching. This time they’re bringing an ex-man of the cloth along for the run, which will tell us whether they were Dexy’s Midnight Runners or The Cars.
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8. (8) Blago’s Bleepin’ Golden Crew
Eric “It’s Good to be” King, Tom “J.R.” Ewing, Jaime “Old School” Hernandez (Markham & Tinley Park, IL/Munster, IN).
The 2007 champs will look to reclaim the upper rung on the ladder after an off-year in Fatty IX. They’ll have to replace another Golden Arm this year, as Lonnie assumes the missing man formation in favor of Tommy Boy (after Chitwood departed the year before), who makes his first visit back to Harvard since 2005. Old School rounds out the squad after taking a shine to Michigan during last year’s rookie campaign.
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9  (15) Never Mind the Ballcocks
“Action” Pat Hillary, Kevin “Jack and Jill Went up the” Hillary (Oxford & Grand Rapids, MI).
For the third straight year, the Hillary Boys owned the first entry to arrive at the Front Office, as the brothers look eager to reclaim their status as a top team. They’ve had two off years in a row after a run of top three finishes, however much of their recent troubles could be attributed to a tough draw and bad luck. We think bringing back Dandy Don as a spectator – and a stocked cooler – would be just the kick in the pants these guys need to return to form.
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10. (18*) It Tastes So Good When it Hits Your Lips
Dustin “The Wind” Nichols, Elliot “E.T.” Nichols (Mason & Rockford, MI).
The Nichols brothers are back again, after E.T. took a year off to recover from their Baxter Bowl campaign of 2007 and Dut was forced to bring in reserves last year. Always a strong pairing, they continue to play regularly in their Mason County league and remain a long-time threat to make a run at the top, combining solid pitching and Dut’s occasional power game.
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11. (NR) Lions & Tigers & Something She Can’t Bear
Mark “Merz” Mersman, Matt “Bish” Bishop (Grand Rapids, MI).
A crew of rookies will look to enjoy their first trip to Harvard Yards as erstwhile War Pig Merz leads his crew combining his speed and Bish’s brawn in hopes of a successful virgin run as they re-formed their wiffle squads of 20 years ago. As always, we advise throwing strikes on a regular basis and keeping refreshments close at hand.
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12. (9) The Shirtless Poopers
Jeff “Jughead” Jewell, Scott “Bocephus” Bocian, John “JK” Kesterke (Walker, MI).
Jughead and the Juggies made a huge jump last year as one of the surprise teams of 2008 with a dramatic improvement in pitching and a year of experience under their belts. Of course, now they have expectations as the pressure will be on to prove it was no fluke, which will probably necessitate a few more runs scored. We’re also hopeful Jughead doesn’t leave any stray T-Shirts in the Port-a-Potty.
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13. (13) Cannonball Comin’
Dan “Private” Ryan, Jason “Sargeant” Schultz, Scott “B-Tram” Leuchtmann(Grand Rapids, MI)
With a quick roster change, the part-time Piglets have at least improved their team name from “ugh” to “huh?”…which is a step in the right direction. Good ballplayers all, they caught on quickly to everything on the field as they battled their way to a top-half finish in their rookie campaign. With B-Tram along, they’ll want to keep throwing strikes – and improve the cooler selection – and they could very well take another few steps up the rankings.
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14. (NR) Never Been Caught Riding a Moped
Joe “Roose” Russo, Cliff “Clavin” Russo (Jenison & Howell, MI).
The first father-son squad in Fatty history, Joe brings along his pops, Clavin, as a teammate for his second tour of duty. As quick as Roose is, Cliff is even faster on his feet, so the ability to throw consistent strikes will be the key to their debut campaign. They should manage enough offense and cover plenty of ground on defense to make it tough on many opponents.
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15. (NR) Susan Boyle’s Boy Toy
Drey “Doc” Barber, Terry “Junior” Ellena, Nick “Greyhound” Hendrickson (DeWitt, Lansing & Eaton Rapids, MI).
Fresh meat from the east rolls into Harvard for their Fatty debut. This plastic posse catches on quick to the name game and they play a bit in their neck of the woods, so we expect a solid showing from Doc and his crew. As per standard issue, bring a sense of humor, a good map to the strike zone, and don’t let “dry mouth” happen to you.
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16. (NR) Rock-Two-Boat
Colin “Tugboat” DeWaay, T.J. “Two-Bat” Heyda, Sean “Rocket” Pabon (New Hope, St. Paul & Maplewood, MN).
Another rookie squad for 2009, Tuggy will have to carry this collection of talent to hold the flag for Minnesota’s hopes, which have run barren since Truck’s MVP performance of 2006. These guys play plenty in their own league and have been well-informed regarding the Fatty by their brethren – so we’ll spare with any extra advice – and look forward to finally seeing a few old Minnesota friends on hand for the greatest wiffle show of them all.
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17. (17) Define Statutory
Larry “Legend” Zeiser, Hans “The Queen” Heikkinen, Sean “Pants” Foster (Philadelphia, PA/Grand Rapids, MI).
Larry Legend and the Queen have replaced the Gimp with a new pair of Pants, but remain the heart of the party with a fully stocked Ringler Chateau above the championship field. Larry continues to show tremendous improvement and Hans is a better wiffler than anyone can believe, so they’ll have to get the Foster Kid whipped into shape this year. All that aside, we can’t wait to see what they’re wearing…
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18. (18) Let’s Save Tony Orlando’s House
Matt “Rusty” Hilgers, Steve “Cougar” Peavler (Milwaukee, WI).
The Ice Cream Social legends managed to maintain their upward course last year, which has seen steady improvement since their change in management three years ago…which coincided with their new accommodations at the jacuzzi suites in Greenville.  Always dapper – at least when they keep their pants on – this duo will keep looking for an EZ/Rings rematch in the bracket and conspiracy theories fresh for anyone within earshot.
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19. (22) The Doubleheaders
Ron “Don’t Call Me” Francis “Or I’ll Kill Ya”, Scott “Poor S.O.B.” Graves (Cedar Springs & Wayland, MI).
There is one mission for the Fatty hecklers this year: close scrutiny of their first two games! These absolute sandbaggers have the Baxter Bowl down to a science, and they managed it again last year – they lose the first two and  then suddenly get “hot” to claim another Baxter Bowl title. After their fourth “victory” in six years, they need to be boo’d heartily for every misplay in the early going. Sic ‘em, boys!
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20. (20) Drink Beer. O.J. Will Kill You.
Rudy “Franxis” Faber, Brad “Heiner” Hineline, Tim “T-Willy” Wille (Grand Rapids, MI).
For their third season, Heiner and Rudy have settled on a two man squad after supporting a couple of single year partners. Representing everything that’s good about the Fatty, they’re pretty consistent on the field and no one has more fun or a better breakfast than these guys. There’s only one thing that tastes like bacon…and that’s bacon.
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21. (NR) Team Delirious
Mike “Twigg-a-Licious” Twigg, “Evil” Nick Koster, Scott “Chet” Lemmon(Rockford, MI).
Another group of rookies, just ripe for the heckling, these guys managed to bribe their way into the tournament with a spare bottle of shampoo - and a last minute run to Harvard Yards – just in time to claim the final team spot. We’ll see if they have any game, however, and we’ll hope they’ve seen the “wiffle for novices” advice for the other debut teams above. Welcome to the Fatty, boys.
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22. (19) I’d Hit That
Susan “Zanner” Sheppard, Amy “First Lady” Byrne, Mel “Blondie” Francis, Kelley “Trouble” Ringler (Grand Rapids, Sparta, Cedar Springs & Harvard, MI)
It’s always good to see everyone’s favorite squad, the loveliest ladies in wiffle ball are back again for their third straight year with the same lineup. Keep those digital cameras ready to go – we’re looking forward to the uniforms, the smiles, and their annual victory at the hands of some squad which has somehow momentarily lost its concentration. These ladies can play – and they look better than anyone else in doing so.
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23. (21) We’re Old, Fat & Drunk – Let us Win!
John “Fatso” Massey, Chris “Barrington Bomber” Kelsch, Mike “Spike” Samec (Holt, MI/Chicago, IL/Brookline, NH).
While they’ve digressed a bit in the art of the team name, Massey leads his group of “seniors” back for their third go-round at Harvard Yards. A couple of flat tires probably hampered their finish last year, but these guys are always a good time and we’ll look for a better performance on the field this year to make up for this moniker…otherwise, someone’s wearing a bag over their head!
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24. (23) Two in the Pink
Joe “WOAH” Lawrence, Louis “Shaun” Campbell (Washington & Waterford, MI).
You can take the boy out of wiffle, but you can’t take the wiffle out of the boy, as WOAH was forced to leave the HRL Twin Cities this year, after he moved to Michigan. He couldn’t leave the Fatty behind, however, so he gathered up a cousin and he’s preparing for a Minnesota reunion this year with his Twin City brethren at Harvard. Hopefully, the skinny kid has put on a few pounds for this year.
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25. (24) Rust Never Sleeps
Jeff “O.B.” O’Bryan, Andy “The Big ‘Un” Albertson, Joe “Jose” Turnes (Grand Rapids, MI)
A healthy O.B. returned to the field from the injured reserve and coaching box to rejoin his Hall of Fame squad last year, but unfortunately, the results weren’t as solid as had been hoped. A more aerodynamic team these days, with a svelte Big ‘Un and a well-groomed Little Buddy resulted in a disappointing performance for the boys last year. They’ve picked up an accountant in Jose and will be looking to rebound this year and move back up the rankings…or at least reclaim a Baxter Bowl title, last seen in 2001.
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26. (25) My Wife Can’t Wrestle, But You Should See Her Box
Pat “Truck” Moriarity, Craig “Dee” Deelsnyder, Joe “J-Zilla” Zierden (Cottage Grove & St. Paul, MN).
Everyone’s favorite visitors from the Land of the Lakes, Truck & Dee return this year without Borky, unfortunately, but with a J-Zilla in tow. They hope to stay healthy enough to make a Baxter Bowl push. A collective 4.5 knees and 5 Archilles tendons among them, they’ll need a little spring in their step to make a long run. While we’ll look forward to seeing the new, slimmed down Truckster this year, we’re going to avoid ”sack slapping” of any kind.
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27. (NR) Honey, There Are Other Orafices
Scott “UKR” Richards, Patrick “Whit” Witkop, Doug “Krusty” Koscis (Kewadin, Traverse City & Okemos, MI).
UKR has jumped ship again. He’s forming his second new team in as many years, after spending a long time under the Branch & Freund tent. This time, he’s bringing along a couple “drinkin’ buddies” for the ride, so we’ll look forward to seeing Whit & Krusty in practice at the Richards’ popsicle stand and more work-in-progress on the field, although we’re wary of letting Krusty near the campfire. Having lost a few pounds, he’s now a “not-quite-so-Fatty.” While a slimmed down UKR will be interesting…he’s not nearly as much as Wife Richards.
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28. (27) The Himalayan Carpet
Mike “Wy-Wy” Wyman, Cheri “Ooh La La” Reagle, Keith “Panda” Capanda (Lake Odessa & Detroit, MI).
The world’s first co-ed Fat Bastard team just got slimmer as UKR moved on to form his own team and leaves Wy-Wy and Ooh La La to their own devices. Mike was one of the most improved players last year, and he’ll need to be even better this year to avoid the bottom rung on the ladder. G.I.L.F Cheri should provide plenty of inspiration.
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* 2007 Ranking.
WAITING LIST: Wille/Mestaz, Ruster/Kern, Lewis/Turnes/Russell
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